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Upset and confused by 15 YO DSD's ungrateful response

(28 Posts)
taxiforme Sat 30-Mar-13 16:04:17

Potted history, DH has three DC. 12 15 and 17.

His exW left MH 7 years ago and set up home with her new bf (who is 13 years younger and with whom she had been having an affair for about 18 months) the marriage limped on until 2006, she sleeping down stairs, she then moved out taking the kids, but only down the road.

DH kept the MH and bought ExW out.

Kids spend two nights a week including every sat night with us.

I meet DH 1n 2008 and we are now married. Both in late 40's and I have no kids. We still live in the ExMH. Kids still have their own rooms.

Rooms were a bit of a mash of stuff and ExW took everything when she moved out, leaving DH with a few bits which he supplemented with old stuff and some bits from Ikea. Slowly I have been turning this around and trying to make it a bit more homely, modern and practical for the kids who are growing up.

To now... DSD2 (15) has been a bit of a handful. She can be lovely, she can be kind and considerate. She can also be hugely difficult, demanding and prone to tantrums over the smallest things (this has always been the case, not just teens).

Anyway, I have spent the past few months planning her room. It is a very difficult space dominated by very sloping celings which compromises everything. She had no storage and a silly old wardrobe (full of DH's junk) which blocked out the lovely window. The only option was bespoke. So we saved up. She saw the plans and we involved her in every step. We finally finsihed yesterday.

She has been peculiar all week (when the carpenter was there). She has refused to engage and look in the room, not shown any interest. Last night with the big reveal she literally just shrugged her shoulders at me- she didn't want to see the room (which is stunning by the way). This morning I hear a commotion in the kitchen and before I can get to the door (which is closed) I hear her sobbing and shouting at DH.

She hates the room, wants it decorated (we left the colour as it was as there was no damage and the paint was still fine and a lovely colour) she has no where to put her clothes (she only ever had about a drawer full as they are kept at her mums as they should be for practical reasons, nothing we have said or done) there are now lovely new wardrobes - my DH has filled up one but there are three others. There is a beautiful window seat with four huge drawers for her, a bedside cabinet with two drawers in..we have put up some lovely funky pictures that we have had framed especially for her. The whole thing has cost us a fortune in time and money.

I am really lump in throat. I have not made a big thing about this, its all been done with her being consulted (she saw a copy of the plans twice) and with her views taken on board as she hated the old wardrobe and wanted a double bed (which she now has!!).

boo hoo. I am so angry I can't engage with her at the moment. She is otherwise fine, completely ok.

Celticcat Tue 23-Apr-13 07:21:11

OP, glad to hear you are getting help. Dsd behaviour is abusive, regardless of the circumstances and you should not be dealing with this on your own (you should not have to be dealing with it at all, in fact, but as you say dh is used to her tantrums and controlling ways and chooses to ignore).
It seems both her parents are allowing her to turn into a bully.
I could not believe for a long time that my own dh is ea until I took a long hard look at his behaviour and then in turn his dc behaviour. But I'm not taking blame for their actions anymore.
Her aunt is right, you have to address every issue that comes up when it comes up, in this way you are at least trying to stop an escalation of her behaviour. I feel for you, keep strong and look after yourself.

cherryonthetop2013 Tue 23-Apr-13 12:14:53

It sounds to me that she doesn't like change, maybe she had lots of nice memories of her old bedroom, it's her room from when she lived there as a 'real' family and now it has changed.
I'm sure in time she'll change her mind and end up loving it, but at the moment in her eyes right now it's her space, her memories, where she felt safe has all changed.
TBH if I was in your shoes I'd be so mad and hurt but I can kinda see it through her eyes too.

matana Sun 28-Apr-13 16:35:32

Sorry but if I were in your shoes, I would be selling up and buying a new house with your dh. That way everybody gets to move on and it's crystal clear to your dsd that you must all make a new home together. There are probably way too many memories in that house and that bedroom for her and you will always be seen as the imposter while you live in another woman's house - even if youve tried to make it your own. How do you feel living there? Do you want to move?

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