Step parents wanting own child(7 Posts)
You seem a friendly bunch and after lurking for a bit I could really use some advise - promise to keep it short and sweet.
I've been a step parent to my dp little boy since he was born ( he's now two) - dp Ex got pregnant in an attempt to save their relationship and we got together when she was 6 months pregnant, so I've always known what I've been getting in to.
DP and I have a fab relationship, getting married in two months time. I generally cope ok with my dss, gone through what a lot of people on here seem to have, jealously and generally still trying to find my place as a step parent, but over the past two years, spending time with dss has ignited my desire to be a parent. I've tried to explain to dp that I can either be the best step mum that I can but with that comes a desire to have my own, or I can detatch myself and try to quash my desire for a baby.
I had thought that we were going to start trying for our own baby later this year but during a conversation we had today Dp admitted that he would like some more time just to do things together first.
I can appreciate what he says, he sees his ds twice a week and so in the grand scheme of things we can act like a childless couple and go on holidays where we want etc.
But when we have dss my dp dotes on him, occassionally verging on to disney dad teritory and I can't understand if he loves his ds that much why he wouldn't want another one.
In my head another year before we start trying is fine, but I'm starting to find it unbearable spending time with my dss, talking him to soft playareas and doing everything I wish I was doing with my own child.
Hope this makes sense and I haven't rambled too much!!
Any advice would be appreciated feel like I'm losing the plot.
Hiya. I think your feelings are completely understandable. How old are you both? Do you have time on your side? Apart from 'wanting' a baby, is there any rush?
I'm 32 this year and dp is 33 - I know we still have some time
Do you feel.that he really does just want a bit of time or are you worried that he actually won't ever be ready for another child ? I think you need to have a really blunt discussion with him in case he is just stalling and has no.intention of having another baby.
I've asked him outright a few times and he insists that he does want more children just wants to live life too. At the moment I guess he can be a doting daddy and still do have our life with the current arrangements, so having our own dc would be a massive shake up.
I do understand what he's saying and in many ways I would be able to go along with that for another year or so if I could ignore children as it were. Unfortunately having dss in my life and watching dp with his ds means I'm constantly reminded of what I don't have.
I know I'm being selfish and I should probably just enjoy being a sm but my heart doesn't seem to listen to my head
What is your gut telling you? It sounds to me like he might be doing a bit of carrot dangling.. You're certainly not old by any means are you but I think you need to work out if it would be a deal breaker for this relationship if he was never "ready" for another one. Are you getting what you need out of this relationship or is it all a convenience for him? I am playing devils advocate of course, I don't know anything about your relationship. But it seems as though he wants a young, free and single young women to have fun with, who transforms in to mum of the year then back again at the drop of a hat... That's quite a big ask of a woman who sounds ready to be a mum "full time"
I think this is kind of relevant...
When I fell pregnant unexpectedly with ds I was in a new relationship having left dd living with her dad
although I only moved down the road so spent pretty much all day every day with her - school runs, tea, evening 'babysitting', weekends, holidays, complicated sharing arrangements
I felt terribly guilty that I was having another child that would live with me full time and I worried LOADS about the impact it would have on her. I've no idea if your dp has even thought about any of that
or could verbalise it but it was certainly a big deal for me.
As it happens, dd loves ds and is also happy to go 'home' to her dad and have some peace and quiet
Oh, and I completely sympathise with you wanting your own baby and with a man 'moving the goalposts' in terms of timing!
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