Have difficulty talking about money(4 Posts)
Hi, hopefully someone out there feels similarly and wants to share their secret on how best to broach this subject.
I'm sure my problem is based on my childhood experiences, my parents always fought about money, although we were relatively well off, no alcoholics or gamblers. All seemed to be more a control issue...
Dh1 was a bit of a user, pays cm for ds but I know it's not the correct amount. He sort of makes up for it by giving pocket money and buying some clothes, shoes etc. I have a good salary so was never that bothered to cause unnecessary upset, even as lone parent for many years.
Dh2 pays cm for his 2 dc, extras for private school, etc. he has a good wage and can afford to indulge them.
Now it gets a bit tricky, dh knows all my personal bank details, our joint account details for bills etc. but I've not got a clue regarding his finances as he keeps his paperwork secret.
I don't need his money but have recently been feeling a bit skeptical about trusting him 100%. No biggie, its just arrangements concerning dsc have changed to his benefit and he's still acting like he has very little money to spend on us as a couple. Its probably nothing to worry about, he's entitled to spend his money how he chooses. I'm just so frustrated that I can't even ask him for details. I'm afraid to appear grasping or something! I just wish to get over this and move on.
Is there any casual way of formulating an interest that seems appropriate to this situation? Thanxx
Is it actually secret - ie you've asked and he's refused to tell you? Or are you just uncomfortable asking?
Are you actually married? If you are, then I think he's being out of order by not telling you. It's fine to keep separate bank accounts, etc - and that probably makes good sense when you each have existing DCS, but I can't see why there's any need to keep finances actually secret. Especially if he's even hinting that he's struggling at times. Ultimately his finances may affect you, so I think you've a right to know. Can you make it clear you're happy with separate finances but would like him to be open with you?
Thanks for reply. Yes, we're married. Have been for 3 years now.
He keeps all his documents in a locked cabinet. All my stuff is in folders on open shelves.
Once, about 2 weeks back, I suddenly became curious, found key (not well hidden) and rummaged. Found usual documents, insurance etc. old love letters from his fling during his last marriage (he told me about her), but no bank account statements.
Obviously I didn't then quiz him, but I was hurt to the lengths he goes to. Probably has them at work.
I don't even think he's hiding anything in particular, just seems important to him to not let me know (ex really took him to the cleaners, so I've tried being understanding that he wants total say over his earnings).
So, yes, I've got trouble asking for anything, never mind the touchy subject of money, and he's acting secretively and makes me feel left out.
sit down and discuss it with him.
Think about how you want your finances to be and then aim for that.
It's should all be joint imho, but most couples have their own way of doing their finances.
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