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Step-parenting

Why do Stepchildren need to stay the night?

101 replies

tinybluemoon · 18/03/2013 10:41

Just a question that was raised in my other thread (Sorry MN head quarters, I know you hate these spin offs) that I thought might be worthy of exploration.

Why is it so important that our stepchildren stay the night? It isn't like any activities or bonding can be undertaken while sleeping, and I know myself I've always preferred to sleep in my own bed, and I know my own children are much the same. Surely it would be just as worth while to eat dinner as a family and than return home, especially if the children must be up early to be delieved home in the morning, not leaving much time for morning activities.

So why is it always viewed as important for visitation to include overnights? Who actually benefits from these? The children? The parents? The CSA? Who?

OP posts:
MortifiedAdams · 18/03/2013 10:42

Because then the children can feel.at home with both parents. They get the whole.experience. The second home feels theirs too, rather than them simply being made to feel like guests in it.

Because why.not?

50BalesOfHay · 18/03/2013 10:44

So the other parent can have a night out and a lie in?

Branleuse · 18/03/2013 10:45

everyone benefits.

The stepchildren see it as another home. The mother gets a night off, your dp gets to feel like his children are part of the family, you get the opportunity to bond and feel like theyre part of your family, which they ARE. Its partly symbolic.

why are they only staying one night instead of weekends?

Startail · 18/03/2013 10:45

Because the other parent might want space to form, cement a new relationship.

LibertineLover · 18/03/2013 10:48

Because it's nice for their Dad to put them to bed?! don't you love putting your own kids to bed? All snuggled up and sleepy? Then see them again in the morning, it's different, why don't you like them staying?

Petal02 · 18/03/2013 10:49

DH's solicitor told him that overnighting only "came into fashion" when the CSA started using 'nights per week spent with NRP' as a method to calculate maintenance.

FreakoidOrganisoid · 18/03/2013 11:03

My children don't have a step parent yet but they stay at their dads overnight so that
They have a longer stretch of time with him
So that he does some actual parenting (bath, bed, get them up and dressed etc) rather than just taking them out on jollies
So that I get a break (yes I know most parents dont but t is very different being the sole person responsible day in day out to having someone to share the load with- I don't know how lone parents who don't get a break cope tbh)
So that they have more of a parent/child relationship with him than him being someone they see for a few hours at a time
So that his house is a second home for them...

UC · 18/03/2013 11:10

Because he is their dad!

My DCs spend time at their dad's and time here. Just because we split up doesn't stop him being their dad, and their relationship is important. The DCs have a right to that relationship.

tinybluemoon · 18/03/2013 11:14

But UC why is it necessary for them to sleepover to achieve that?

OP posts:
Branleuse · 18/03/2013 11:15

why do you need to live with your dp?

Their bed at yours should be seen as their own bed

LibertineLover · 18/03/2013 11:18
Hmm
LibertineLover · 18/03/2013 11:19

Are you reading the thread OP? Can I ask again, why don't you like them staying over?

Petal02 · 18/03/2013 11:24

Libertine, the OP has very limited space, and 3 step children who stay over each fortnight. There's another thread running about bedrooms.

tabulahrasa · 18/03/2013 11:25

There's bathtime, bedtime, waking up and having breakfast together... it's not just about sleep, they're all important things to do with a parent.

The ideal is that they have two homes with two parents, not one home with somewhere they visit occasionally.

LibertineLover · 18/03/2013 11:27

Ah, cheers petal unfortunate, but still think once a fortnaight they could be accommodated?

Petal02 · 18/03/2013 11:31

Libertine, that's what is being discussed on the Bedrooms thread :)

LibertineLover · 18/03/2013 11:32

I shall go, forthwith and RTFT Grin

Petal02 · 18/03/2013 11:37

I can see no harm in overnighting if it works for all parties, but we seem to have a culture whereby overnighting HAS to take place, even if it means people (step children included) practically sleeping on the washing line and/or having silly journeys to school by being in the wrong place on school mornings.

UC · 18/03/2013 11:42

Tiny, in an ideal world, sharing their living between their dad and me means that the DCs have an equally strong parent/child relationship with both their parents. We are lucky, we don't live far away from eachother and can both do school runs etc. I think staying there increases their view that his home is their home, and so is the home they have with me. They stay at his for nearly half their time, and with me for just over half. Both of us are involved in homework, activities, friends.

The OP's other thread puts her dilemma into perspective - 7 children to accommodate plus her and DP, and 3 bedrooms to do it in until they can finish the house they are building for them all to be able to live in.

RaspberrySchnapps · 18/03/2013 11:46

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Petal02 · 18/03/2013 11:49

UC, you've hit the nail on the head with your "in an ideal world" comment. In an ideal world, everyone would have plenty of space, and would be close to the child's school. In an ideal world though, there wouldn't be separated families ....

CoreOfLore · 18/03/2013 11:55

From what I've read Raspberry most of the children involved are babies, or little more than babies. I don't think sleeping bags and such are a good choice.

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Al0uise · 18/03/2013 11:57

It's been the practice since way before the CSA was even a twinkle in a politicians eye. Parents both need to provide a home for their children.

A very bitter op I suspect.

UC · 18/03/2013 12:11

Exactly Petal, in an ideal world. It isn't always possible to achieve, sadly.

fuzzpig · 18/03/2013 12:13

Because it's nice?

My 14yo DSDs stay round lots even since we moved to the same town (ie it would be possible to just come round for daytime visits) but why on earth wouldn't they?

Unfortunately our house is tiny (we are actually on the housing register due to 'overcrowding' and hoping to move to a 3 bed where they will have their own beds) so they just sleep on the sofa or mattresses but they have their own stuff here which gets moved back and forth as need dictates. They love it, we love it, our little DCs get loads more time with their big sisters because they are here when they wake up (sometimes they end up kipping together anyway!), and DSDs get grown up time with DH and me once the little ones are in bed, because they don't have to get home. When they were younger they'd come into our room in the mornings and we would just chat for ages, that was always when any worries about school etc would come out.

The only thing we don't do is sleepovers on school nights - none of us drive, and their school is the opposite side of town, so we stick to weekends and holidays. We don't have any particular access arrangement, it's all casual which works brilliantly. Last month they both chose to do their work experience at our DCs' school/nursery, so they stayed with us all week - it was a very crowded hectic house but it was absolutely wonderful. They are very easy going teens and really aren't fussed about where they sleep!

Also as they are twins who share a room at home it's nice that they can escape from each other by coming here.

As a PP said in an ideal world we'd have a huge house with a room each for them but we don't - but it doesn't seem to have any negative effects, we all get on brilliantly and are a very happy family. I can't imagine not having them to sleep over.

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