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Two questions...

(20 Posts)
SorrelForbes Sun 17-Mar-13 21:03:57

I have two questions that I'd really appreciate some advice on.

DH's ExW has moved house this week with their two teenage children following her separation a few months ago from her DH (DV incident). She has told DH that she won't be telling him the new address. The children have said that they're not allowed to give DH the new address either.

In addition, a relative has advised that she is back together with her estranged DH (charges have been dropped) and that he has moved back in. If this is the case, then it may be that they aren't moving house after all, hence no new address to give DH!

So, firstly, how can DH find out the new address (if they have in fact moved) and secondly, is there anything he can do about his children living with a man who has convictions for violence?

mumandboys123 Sun 17-Mar-13 21:17:37

how old is 'teenage'? As a general rule, teenage children can vote with their feet.

Courts can be funny about addresses - you might find it difficult to get the address, you might not. A solicitor's letter would be worth a try in the first instance. However, if they are teenagers, they are perhaps less vulnerable than a 5 year old in the event of emergency and can get themselves out and to a place of safety if needs be. Assuming they have phones, they can always dial 999 if they feel unsafe or are unsure - would be worth reminding them of that.

mumandboys123 Sun 17-Mar-13 21:18:51

oh, and if she is genuinely 'at risk' from this man, it's probably the case she's been advised to keep her address as quiet as possible. It really would be the less people who have it the better. Assuming he's gone, of course.

SorrelForbes Sun 17-Mar-13 21:30:54

mumandboys123 They are 16 & 14 and in many ways are very young for their age. DH has always let them take the lead on the decisions about where they should live. After EW's DH was taken away by the police, the children did tell DH that they were glad he was gone.

DH is particularly worried as eldest DSS was involved in the incident that led to the break up. He wasn't hurt but was very shaken up. He is very protective of his mother (rightly so) and there is little chance that either child would voluntarily choose to leave her to live with us.

We are 99.9% certain that she is, at the very least, back in contact with her H and it's highly probably that they are back together. He has a history of violence which is why we were surprised that the charges were dropped. They have a small DD together as well.

Thanks for the advice.

elliebellys Sun 17-Mar-13 21:45:58

Are ss involved at all,especially regardin younger child?

SorrelForbes Sun 17-Mar-13 21:53:18

No, my DH only found out this afternoon that her DH appears to be back on the scene. Unfortunately we live about fours hours away from them and DH is in a job that means he cannot get to their town easily.

There didn't seem to be a need for any SS involvment at the time of the DV incident as she was so adament that the marriage was over. I believe that there was a restraining order against him but I'd imagine that is now gone.

mumandboys123 Sun 17-Mar-13 22:45:07

distance is a major issue as most teenagers wouldn't want to leave their friends, regardless of how bad things might be at home.

I am not sure if the Police will tell your partner anything in terms of whether or not he is being prosecuted but might be worth a phone call.

I suspect all you can do is be supportive from a distance, make it clear that you are always there and that if things get very bad, your door is always open to them.

SorrelForbes Sun 17-Mar-13 22:52:56

Yes, I think we have to sit tight. It does seen wrong that DH can't know where his children are living. We are meant to be picking them up soon for a family event, but from where, god only knows! A lay by on the motorway. Sigh.

SorrelForbes Wed 20-Mar-13 14:21:35

Sorry to be still banging on about this, but is there absolutely nothing we can do, legally, to find out the address? We are meant to picking the children up next week for a small break!

mumandboys123 Wed 20-Mar-13 22:44:17

there is such a thing as a 'Seek and Find Order' which would compel any likely person/agency that had her address had to reveal it - employer, HMRC, DWP etc. I really don't know how it would apply in this situation as the domestic violence is an issue. Has she responded to texts/emails? how about the children? can you not simply meet them somewhere close to home without having to reveal the address?

SorrelForbes Wed 20-Mar-13 22:51:44

The last contact he had with his ex was a week ago and she just said that she didn't want anyone to have the new address. He has spoken to the children this week but hasn't asked them again as he doesn't want to put any pressure on them.

Obviously DH wouldn't be happy to have it confirmed that they are back together but his main concern at the moment is not knowing where his children are living.

FrauMoose Thu 21-Mar-13 12:47:37

The general advice here might be useful.

SorrelForbes Thu 21-Mar-13 14:22:09

Thank you

brdgrl Thu 28-Mar-13 01:17:13

I'm confused - surely if a father has parental responsibility for his children, and no charges of DV are involved against him, he has a legal right to know where his children are living???!!

SorrelForbes Fri 29-Mar-13 00:10:22

My thoughts (and DH's) exactly. Anyway, DH now knows the new address thanks to a family member. We are now away with the children for a few days but collected them from their old house which is completely farcical. DH didn't want to rock the boat before our trip but will be AT&T working to sort things out on our return!

mumandboys123 Fri 29-Mar-13 11:38:13

No, there is no automatic legal right. It's very bizarre. It is possible for a court to order that the mother hands over the address but getting her into court when you don't know where she is in the first place is very difficult.

Why not just ask the children again?

purpleroses Fri 29-Mar-13 11:51:52

Does your DP have their phone number? If he has some means of contacting them, I can't really see why he needs their address. Especially if she's just moved and is feeling nervous of giving out the address too widely, could at least give it a few weeks then ask again.

NotaDisneyMum Fri 29-Mar-13 12:40:40

If the risk to the DCs mum (and therefore to the DCs by association) is so great that she has been advised to withhold her address and effectively go into hiding, then surely it is better for the DCs to be removed to a place of safety, until the risk is reduced?

The DCs dad should have been advised and involved in any decision for the family to go into hiding - it's not possible to withhold the DCs address from school, GPs etc without SS involvement, and if that is what has been agreed, then the DCs dad has a responsibility to be involved.
Perhaps this is less formal though - in which case, if the school and other public bodies know, then so should Dad!

SorrelForbes Fri 29-Mar-13 17:14:20

TBH we have been told that she is purely withholding the address from DH and other family as she doesn't want people to know that she and her DH are back together.

Anyway, we know the address now so will see how things pan out!

SorrelForbes Sat 06-Apr-13 19:07:38

A little update!

DH's EW has today confirmed that she is back with her husband. She has told DH that wanting the new address is him " trying to control" her". She also said "I expect you'll be contacting social services now". This was followed by a phone call from DS2, audibly upset, begging DH not to go to SS hmm. DH explained to DS2 that he is concerned about the current situation especially in light of the things that both DSC told us when their DM and SD split up.

We have also been contacted by a parent of a friend of DS1 who is very concerned about him, saying that he is not happy and can't wait until he moves out and goes to University. DS1 hasn't been taking DH's calls for a few days but did pick up today. DH told him that he was worried about him and they arranged another time to talk tomorrow. DH said that if he kept ignoring his calls then he would have to presume that there was an issue and would therefore make plans to come up and see him face to face (they aren't due to visit for another week). This has been interpreted by DH's EW as DH threatening to come up and stalk her.


I'd love to think this will blow over (as things seem to do!) but I am worried.

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