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Annoying in-laws and my bf's ex

(29 Posts)
Missy20 Sat 16-Mar-13 22:42:58

Hiya all, i need some advise or your oppinions with my current situation because i feel like im going crazy!! Me and my bf have been together 3 years and have a beautiful 1yr old together. He has a 3 year old son from a previous relationship. His ex partner left him and his family (which is where she had been living since she was pregnant) when the son was 9months old. They never saw him again untill he was getting on for the age of 2. She took them to hell and back!! Lied about discusting stuff that never happened got them in trouble with the police and took them to court. Eventually she took back everything she said at court and privately arranged for them to all start seeing the child again. At this point i was pregnant. However many months later (now) she is treated like royalty. Given xmas present mothers day gifts, she gives her child away 4days a week to my in laws. They txt her telling her they love her and take her on holiday. Am i completely mad to think this is strange? For months and months ive been dwelling on all of this and i need some help and advise please on what to do. Ive tried talking to them all including my partner and it just ends up in arguments. I cant stand to think that she will always be in my life, because im not in her relationship! Im gettin really depressed and angry about it all.

exoticfruits Sat 16-Mar-13 22:51:47

They don't want to lose the grandchild again! She is obviously an unstable character and if they upset her she will disappear with the child- she can do that and they know it. Ignore- make your own relationship with them.

Missy20 Sat 16-Mar-13 23:03:26

Thanks for your reply I do have my own relationship with them but it feels very 2 faced. If what she had done had been done across me i would not be buying her gifts and telling her i lover her Its in black and white that my bf can have his son sat n sun every week by the courts.

Feilefoo Sat 16-Mar-13 23:06:10

what exotic said, they don't trust her to stick around and follow the orders. Just because the orders say contact doesn't mean that the mom won't go haywire again and keep them from seeing the child.

They obviously like and trust you are a sane and reasonable person! Be glad about that.

exoticfruits Sat 16-Mar-13 23:08:21

Grandparents have no rights. I was a widow- I chose to keep up a close relationship with my ILs- even after I married again. I was very conscious that it was in my power to block their relationship by not meeting, moving well away and not having phone calls to DS or talking to DS about them. They are scared of losing him.

exoticfruits Sat 16-Mar-13 23:10:33

I think that I would be two faced if it kept me in contact with my grandchild - I would do whatever it took.

Missy20 Sat 16-Mar-13 23:15:02

Ok well thanks. I guess it must just be me being crazy afterall

Petal02 Sat 16-Mar-13 23:43:27

I suppose its a similar principle to the man who tip toes round his ex, giving in to her crazy demands, just in case he upsets her and she blocks contact. Maddening and frustrating though.

exoticfruits Sat 16-Mar-13 23:49:00

You are not crazy- I can see it is upsetting, but as explained,if the mother of my grandchild was an unstable, immature character, I would do what it took in case she removed the child.

Kyrptonite Sat 16-Mar-13 23:49:19

Why shouldn't she get Mother's Day gifts? I presume that they are signed from her DS?

Missy20 Sun 17-Mar-13 08:11:49

Like ive said on a post before if she had done across me what she has to them i wouldnt be buying her gifts. I cant go into detail some of the things shes done and said because its over the internet but its pretty discusting. I would never dream of doing that to my worst enemy. I no this is mu oppinion and its very strong, im sure theres many other people in the world in my shoes. But at the age of 21 trying to cope with all of this and havig no1 to speak to or to ask for help its very hard and frustrating

Kyrptonite Sun 17-Mar-13 08:18:47

I am a stepmum whose DSD 's mother accused DP of sexual abuse during a residency battle (we had residency since DSD was a few months old). I understand where you're coming from to an extent but she shouldn't be denied Mother's Day presents from her child because she has upset some people in the family. You can't change the fact that she will be in your life and if you continue to resent her to this extent your DSS will pick up on it and the repercussions could be huge.

Missy20 Sun 17-Mar-13 08:35:46

With my stepson i try my best i get him gifts and ask to take him out with his dad (every week in fact) but the grandparents just take over and take him nice places and to do different activities every week ( which they never offer to take our daughter too) so its like i dont really get a chance to bond with him. Yet again if i mention anything to anyone it ends up in a argument. Me an stepsons mom tried to sort things out at stepsons bday party last year but she caused an argument with my partner and made a big scene. I think really maybe ive just got to put up distance myself get on with my life with my daughter and her dad and try not to let it all get to me as much?

ballstoit Sun 17-Mar-13 09:16:07

I'm struggling with what the real issue is for you here...
do you feel that the gps dont treat your dd as well as they treat dss
or would you like more time with dss.
The gifts to ex, holidays etc are frankly none of your business, gps are sensibly trying to put animosity aside and do best for their gs.
The other issues need to be discussed with dp, to find how he feels. It is all still quite early days, so trying to take things slowly and calmly is the way forward. The last thing your pil need is another immature dil on theit backs.

Missy20 Sun 17-Mar-13 09:53:34

They treat the kids very differently. Im not the only one to see it as dp has saw and mentioned it before. I thought it was because they had their grandson taken so he was favoured but when questioned about it they cant see what they are doing. And my dp doesnt agree with the gifts and holidays but like iv said before it just all ends up in arguments because they cant see that they are doing anything wrong. I have never used this or any website before to post my business but iv been so down and what not and needed someone to speak to and all i am been is slated. I would like to have a relationship with my partners son bt gps dont give me a chance. Its very hurtfull that they help out and do so much for gs and do nothing for gd. She was the first girl in their family too. Oh and as for saying holidays are none of my busines it is, especially when they cant be bothered to take gd but can take gs and ex who took them to hell and back, caused nan to have a nervous breakdown and grandad acused of kidnap.

whattodoo Sun 17-Mar-13 10:08:16

Missy I don't think anyone here is slating you, just offering a perspective.

I don't think you can influence how you ILs treat their GS or his mum, so if I were you I would concentrate on building a strong relationship between them and your DD. Encourage them to visit during the week, send texts about funny little things she's done today, ask MIL advice about little things etc etc.

In time, they'll have their own special relationship with DD which may be very different to the one they have with your DSS but special nonetheless.

ballstoit Sun 17-Mar-13 10:28:01

I have 3 dc, they get treated very differently by my parents as they are different ages and personalities. My dc also get more time with gps, than my sisters ds as I'm a lone parent and they babysit regularly.

If you moan about the gc being treated differently, and about their relationship with ex, that will make them more protective of their gs. Your dp needs to spend time with his son, and that should be the priority. He needs to talk to hid parents, when ds is not there, to make a plan for that. Then you and dd can also gradually increase the time you spend with him too.

If your pil can forgive and move on for the sake of their dgs, you should do the same. My dss mum punched me in the stomach while I was pg with ds, so I do understand how hard it is. People do stupid things when they feel their relationship with their children is at risk.

Missy20 Sun 17-Mar-13 10:40:40

Thanks for your replys. Its just so hard and been young doesnt help because ive never seen heard or been in this sort of situation before. I dont mean to get defensive its just i feel so alone and not knowing what to do or who to speak to gets very frustraiting. But im glad im not the only one out there in this sort of situation

Petal02 Sun 17-Mar-13 10:54:34

Missy, the most weird dynamics I've ever encountered take place in step families. They're not natural situations. I'm glad it's helped you by posting here.

olibeansmummy Sun 17-Mar-13 14:55:32

The reason your ils are doing this is because they are scared of losing your dss. By buying the ex gifts, they are buying time with their grandson.

It's not fair, but there's precious little you can do about it, so my advice is to distance yourself from the situation and concentrate on your dd.

purpleroses Sun 17-Mar-13 15:32:31

If I was in your position I think I'd be wondering whether I really had been told everything that went on around the time your DSS's mum left your DP. Seems an odd thing to do without reason. And if the grandparents were feeling a bit guilty or that their son had treated her badly, it would explain a lot of their behaviour.

Maybe this is entirely wrong, but it would cross my mind.

They may find it easier to include your DD in things as she gets a little older and more independent. And you might find it easier to include DSS if your DP takes the lead a bit more and takes him places, along with you and DD and not his parents.

allnewtaketwo Sun 17-Mar-13 16:41:48

I think it most definitely is your business when grandparents are I obviously treating one more preferably than the other. When your child is I'd enough, she will notice and wonder why they like their other grandchild more. This could do real harm.

I disagree that they need to do this to get time with their grandchild. Presumably your partner is happy to let them see the child anyway. Which means it is really unnecessary for them to do what they're doing.

MIL did this for a long time with DH's ex. She cheated and lied and treated their adult child (DH) like shit, yet MIL was happy to court her affections under the banner of spending time with the grandchildren. It got her nowhere. And was so unnecessary. We had said to her over and over and over she could spend time with them while in our care. I could never betray my own child in the way she did. DH was very hurt.

Sympathies OP. and you're not going mad. Sadly I think it's not uncommon for GP's to treat some children much more preferably to others. And particularly children of "first" families.

Missy20 Mon 18-Mar-13 10:08:41

Thankyou again for your replies. They see gs four days a week and can see dd anyday of the week really. But like i say its gd to know other people have been and are in my position because not everyone can understand and see it from my(your) point. Many thanks

ThingummyBob Mon 18-Mar-13 13:45:01

If I was to play devils advocate here I'd say that maybe the GPs are making up to dss/his mum for some previous behaviour by your partner.

Thats how it is in my own situation. My dd has a fabulous relationship with her gm, and although her father doesn't yet have another child, his latest squeeze current girlfriend is apparently not happy that his mother has photos of dd and I around her home and likes to mention how fabulous we are at every possible opportunity.

In the past ex also had a partner with children, so for 5 years or so he was effectively their step father. His mother definitely favoured dd and I over her children.
Its sad, but bless her, she is aware of what a shit bag he was to us, and still is. Its her way of dealing with his past, iyswim.

Unfortunatley the new partners never see this side of his character until they dump his arse and move on and we are often portrayed as the whining ex/dd who have some strange hold over his mother confused

Missy20 Mon 18-Mar-13 19:17:07

All i want is for the kids to be treated equally. When i met the ex i was polite and respectful and all she wanted to do was argue with me and dp and cause a scene. I wanted things to be amicable for mine, her, the family & kids sake. I didnt want things to be how they are but unfortunatly they are

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