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When you really dislike your DSC's mother and see her traits in them and it affects the way you feel about them?

(96 Posts)
madonnawhore Fri 15-Mar-13 17:34:13

How do you deal with it?

I feel like a horrible, shitty person.

Strongertogether Wed 20-Mar-13 11:09:56

Oh Madonna, please think very carefully before committing yourself with a child with your DP. If you have a child together his overcompensation for his daughter will get worse and you will become more resentful. This will be no good for anyone. Please ask yourself honestly, is this man and the situation you're in really making you happy? If the answer is 'no' then cut your losses and run.

MarshmallowCupcake Tue 19-Mar-13 20:44:00

I completely understand your frustration madonnawhore sad I'm in a similar situation.
You have to chat with your partner to sort things out. You need a relationship and all the fun things that come with it or its not worth being with this guy.
Tobylerone.......are you a step parent?

TobyLerone Mon 18-Mar-13 20:44:17

Are you talking to/about me, Bonsoir? If so, you are also presuming quite a lot!

Bonsoir Mon 18-Mar-13 20:41:12

IME people who have no experience of stepfamilies are totally clueless as to how the boundaries in them work.

TobyLerone Mon 18-Mar-13 20:38:52

Quilts, you're not only 'misunderstanding my vibe' (hmm), you're also being completely and inappropriately presumptuous. I also think you have me confused with someone else. I have maybe posted on 2 'step parents' threads in my entire time on MN, and I certainly don't remember ever coming across you before.

Despite it being irrelevant, FWIW I've never been a stepchild. But I will always defend any child against someone who is dismissive at best and downright nasty at worst.

Bonsoir Mon 18-Mar-13 17:03:12

You have every right to be consulted and to know in advance when your DSD is going to be in your house. It is perfectly reasonable and normal to plan child-free times and times without DSD but with your own DCs (when you have them). It is incredibly bad for stepchildren to be calling the shots in any family and your DP need to get to grips with this.

givemeaclue Mon 18-Mar-13 17:00:02

I don't think it wise to ttc until these issues are resolved

Quiltsgalore Mon 18-Mar-13 16:55:17

OP, dh is still a bit driven, but I got him to read some really beneficial stepparenting books, like Stepmonster, which basically said same as me, but most use was the couple counseling, where again common sense in the shape of a therapist told him to respect himself to receive respect, I.e. from his exW and his dc. I felt I couldn't handle his behaviour on my own anymore, he was destroying our marriage by sheer bloodymindedness.
Now he listens to me and we build common strategies.
DATES really important in a marriage, also mini breaks for just you two help enormously. Could not have survived these years without that.

Toby, when I read your posts on other threads as well as here I feel you automatically jump on the stepparent, defending dsc as if from a dragon? Were you an unhappy sc perchance? Sorry if I'm totally misunderstanding your replies, just a vibe...

TobyLerone Mon 18-Mar-13 16:20:22

What is unreal about what I'm saying, quilts?

DreamsTurnToGoldDust Mon 18-Mar-13 16:00:13

Your right madonna, you know what he needs to do, can you talk to him about it. Just a thought, your saying your ttc? do you think he feels a bit guilty about that for his dd? and maybe going over the top to compensate to her, if you see what I mean. It sounds like he just needs to relax a little, but I think its worth trying to talk to him, reassure him that his dd will always be v v important but so are you, so is your relationship and you will work as a team, but its vital that he discusses things with you first. Might just work smile

madonnawhore Mon 18-Mar-13 15:43:11

Dreams I'm slightly over simplifying because there are do many shades in this dynamic it's impossible to convey in one post.

If I said 'let's go on holiday just the two of us' he would go along with it because he wants to make me happy. In fact we've done that in the past and it's always been great. But because of the 50:50 thing it means that if we go away for a week, he's missing out on some of his days with DSD. And I know he hates that. Even though he'd never say anything, I can tell he's mooning over her and feeling guilty that he forfeited his time with her.

But I feel like parents surely want to get away for some one on one time with their partner once in a while. And they don't feel guilty right?

It's like, at some point we need to move put of this panicked 'grab every second' phase and into something a bit more like a routine. Where our own relationship has space to be nurtured.

madonnawhore Mon 18-Mar-13 15:32:55

Hi quilts. Glad he calmed down eventually.

I think DP is incredibly guilt ridden that DSD had to go through his break up with the ex. His ex was the one who ended it. Just decided family life wasn't for her and off she walked. I don't think DP's got over how she so unilaterally broke up their family and he had no say over it and there was nothing he could do to stop it. He's been overcompensating for DSD ever since.

Was there anything you said or did that helped him calm down? Or is it just a matter of time?

madonnawhore Mon 18-Mar-13 15:28:46

Hi quilts. Glad he calmed down eventually.

I think DP is incredibly guilt ridden that DSD had to go through his break up with the ex. His ex was the one who ended it. Just decided family life wasn't for her and off she walked. I don't think DP's got over how she so unilaterally broke up their family and he had no say over it and there was nothing he could do to stop it. He's been overcompensating for DSD ever since.

Was there anything you said or did that helped him calm down? Or is it just a matter of time?

DreamsTurnToGoldDust Mon 18-Mar-13 15:20:42

madonna, your situation is just going to get worse when you have a child as he will probably compensate even more for your dsd and you will resent that for your own child. You do contradict yourself a bit as well, `he,s a brilliant partner` but earlier you said `We never get to do stuff like that on our own. DP isn't interested in us going away together or doing anything nice on our own without DSD coming too` hmm

Quiltsgalore Mon 18-Mar-13 15:08:57

OP, was in very similar situation. Dh would be over accommodating at every chance. Never saw the need for this urgency either as it was obvious he was the best and cheapest babysitter. But he was in a panic and guilt ridden when we met (2 yrs after their breakup) so I was roped into being the perfect super mum and we bought a house soon after so that dsc could have a perfect life with us and never leave. VEry disturbing, very frustrating. After 4 years he has calmed down significantly, dss now to move in 50:50. Different story with dsd...

Out of interest Toby - are you a stepmum and have any friends that are step parents? your comments sound oddly unreal at times.

TobyLerone Mon 18-Mar-13 13:58:30

I feel sorry for your SD. Your feelings about this will ramp up if you have a child and you will resent her being around even more sad

madonnawhore Mon 18-Mar-13 13:47:31

Oh I can't wait to have children with him. He's a brilliant father and he honestly is a fantastic partner. I just don't get the panicky 'must grab every spare moment with DSD' thing that he does. I mean, the way I see it, she's not going anywhere, he will always have her at least 50:50. So if it genuinely is a bit inconvenient for us to have her one weekend then he shouldn't feel like he can't say no.

I just wish he'd calm down and stop looking at it as a competition with his ex over who has her the most.

He never asks ex to have DSD for him ever. It's always her asking him. If he ever needs someone to watch DSD he asks his mum or CM. Anything to avoid asking his ex.

DreamsTurnToGoldDust Mon 18-Mar-13 13:06:54

madonna, I mean this as nicely as possible but do you really think its wise to go ahead and have a child with your dp while you feel like this? I think you need to set the ground rules up first. You should be consulted as to when your dsd is comming thats just good manners, you should be having time out together just you two as a couple. He needs to want you because he loves you not to be a mother to his child, if that makes sense. If you go ahead and have a child with him I think it will just get worse.

He needs to understand that the relationship between you and your dsd needs to take time to grow and to grow naturally and no amount of forcing it by him will make it happen faster. Your last paragraph is a bit worrying aswell, why does he feel like that?

madonnawhore Mon 18-Mar-13 12:51:57

He wants me to be like a full on mum role with DSD when she's here.

It's like he desperately wants her here as much as possible and wants us all to be a family. Which is fine and lovely, but I sometimes feel he's not looking at the reality of the situation. Anything less than DSD living with us 100% is going to mean he'll be obsessed with spending as much time as possible with her. I don't think he's fully come to terms with the fact that he will never have her 100% of the time ever again. And no matter how hard he tries he can't recreate that with me because we're a different sort of family now.

He's really not an asshole it anything like that. He's truly lovely and kind and gentle. He just needs to accept DSD will never be here full time and stop trying so hard to make that not the case.

It's like there's a constant feeling of crisis and that he has to have every spare second with her as if at any moment he might not see her again. So I can't see a time in the future when he'll be able to be okay with the access he does have. It'll always feel 'urgent'. Does that make sense?

Dahlen Mon 18-Mar-13 12:30:45

I feel for you. You shouldn't have to spell it out because most people just 'know' this. I love my DC and they are my priority, but that doesn't mean that I don't want parts of my life that doesn't involve them, particularly when it comes to time with a DP. If your DP doesn't 'get' that, it's possible that this relationship just isn't meant to be. I'm sorry. sad

The only thing you can suggest to your DP is that it is extremely unhealthy for your DSD to be your DP's sole focus. The burden of knowing that she is his whole life and that nothing else without her matters is not a good thing for a child.

I hope you work things out.

madonnawhore Mon 18-Mar-13 12:26:30

Dahlen there's some truth to what you're saying.

That's definitely not why they broke up (won't bore you with how I know). But some of what you're saying is hitting a nerve.

DP thinks that because he's shared his life and precious DSD with me and because we're TTC, then I should automatically know how important I am to him.

But it's about the little things too isn't it? I feel like when he's with me he's really just wishing DSD was there. Any opportunity for us to get away on our own, he wants DSD to come too. As if money spent on a dirty weekend away or something is money wasted because DSD isn't there.

How the hell do I say that without it coming across like I don't want DSD around? Because I do, but I want him to want to make time for us. And not look at every moment spent with me without DSD as a waste of time?

Dahlen Mon 18-Mar-13 11:48:02

madonna I can't help thinking that the person at fault here is your DP, not your DSD or even your DSD's mother.

If your DP values you, there is lots he can do to make you feel cherished and important, despite having his DSD 50% or more of the time. The imbalance you are feeling is down to him not prioritising you enough (not over his DSD, but just making you an important priority in his own right).

Have you considered the fact that this sort of behaviour may have been exactly why his relationship with DSD's mother broke down? Maybe the Xs behaviour now is a direct consequence of that. Is it possible that while they were together your DP wouldn't facilitate his X's needs but now they are apart he is able to do so in the capacity of free childcare and she's taking full advantage.

IME, if most adults involved in step-parenting arrangements are normal, happy and functional people, this sort of jealousy doesn't occur. If your DP made you feel like the most special person alive, I really don't think you'd feel this way about your DSD.

madonnawhore Mon 18-Mar-13 11:37:58

Shit I typed a massive reply and my phone lost it.

Lots of interesting points on this thread.

DP is supposed to do 50:50 with his ex but in fact he has DSD over half the time and always has had since I've known him.

He considers DSD as 'living' with us and she just 'stays' at her mum's.

He doesn't think he should have to run things like holiday cover for his ex past me because I should assume DSD is always with us unless I hear otherwise.

The thing is, in reality, he still pays CSA to his ex even though technically he's the RP. And yet she still calls all the shots really. I hate feeling like I have no say about what she decides for us all.

DP interprets that ad me being obstructive to him seeing DSD. But I just want him to understand that it's my life too. I don't like being told we're having DSD for a week. I'd just like to be consulted before he agrees.

Is that so unreasonable? I think a lot if my resentment would go away if I felt more like I had a say in what goes on.

Bonsoir Mon 18-Mar-13 09:23:49

Often nrp and step parents are denied contact constantly until bio parent wants a "babysitter". Nobody likes being "used" and that's exactly what some parents do to Nrp and step parents.

Yes. And when DC grow up, they become wise to their parents' behaviour. They tend not to like the users...

allnewtaketwo Mon 18-Mar-13 08:19:21

Mumandboys you don't seen to be reading the posts. You say why assume "telling" and then describe how reasonable you are when you "ask" your ex if he's available. The posters complaining on here are cases where the ex has NOT asked. Therefore "telling" is not an assumption, but what actually happened in the cases of the other posters. You seem to be taking their posts personally as a slight against you, when actually they are posting about very specific examples in their own lives of which you have no knowledge.

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