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My Jealousy & Paranoia

(107 Posts)
EvilEdna2909 Sat 09-Mar-13 14:26:00

I have been with my DP for 11 months now. He has DD who is 2 and a DS who is 9 months. We and my boyfriend were going out for nearly 3 months when his DS was born. Everything is amicable with his ex and have ni rela problems. The problem lies with me. I have never wanted children and was okay that my DP had a girl and a boy on the way cos i thought he wouldnt need any more children if hes got one of each.
And now its the opposite. For the past couple of month ive realised i want children and the fact that he has a boy ang a girl spoilts it for me. In the future Im going to have his third kid, his 2nd boy or girl. its not going to be special at all. His going to do everything with his two before mine. When mine come along it wont be nothing new and exciting to him. Its driving us apart.Please help

SoWhatIfImWorkingClass Fri 15-Mar-13 18:03:23

Oh no it couldn't possibly be the woman's fault ever. Because all women are poor innocent little souls that are completely hard done by.

And all men are knobs and arseholes who treat women and their children like a piece of crap.

Two very inaccurate judgements there.

EvilEdna2909 Fri 15-Mar-13 15:36:05

I know alltakes two. Women can be manipulating and try to use their children to get one they want. My dp wanted to leave the relationship for a while but he couldn't bribg hinself to leave his daughter so he tried to make it work but then she stopped taking the pill again and got pregnant. She lied and manipulated but I guess colditz just doesn't realise it and thinks everything is the mans fault. I know my dp is a decent man and I know that he loves me as he did not love her. He did not treat his ex badly it was mutual decision she had said herself that she had 'went about things the wrong way'. if he did have treated her badly then things would definitely not be amicable between them two let alone myself and his ex and I think people need to realise that fact.

allnewtaketwo Fri 15-Mar-13 13:16:07

OP - some posters on here will always be 100% determined that everything is the man's fault, even where the woman has lied and connived to get what she wants - still the man's fault.

EvilEdna2909 Fri 15-Mar-13 12:06:13

Colditz did I say I was going to have a baby yet??!! I don't want kids for a long time and have never stated I do. U obviously live a sheltered life. The amount of men these days which are only with their wives/girlfriend's because of their children is unreal as is the amount of women that are with men for security money and family life. The both of them were as bad as eachother both were young ans using eachother but it was his ex that decided she wanted to bring another innocent child into the horrendous relationship by lying to him saying she was on the pill! !

ladyjadie Fri 15-Mar-13 10:12:46

I know old thread is old now, but I just wanted to say to Edna, I know how you feel and it is a horrible feel. With my ex I felt the same but not just about kids, it got so bad I refused to even go places he'd been with an ex because he'd already 'been there, done that' (in my mind). He just didn't get it because (like your DP) he never loved this other girl (and was honest to her about that). So then I felt horrible for feeling so 'stupid' and irrational, which made me worry more, which made me feel even worse, etc etc until I ended up really seriously ill mentally. I also ended up driving us apart, something which part of me will always regret.

I was 23 when I got with him, 25 when we broke up, so around your age. If you want, try to go to your GP and get them to refer you to a therapist for some CBT (cognitive behavioural therapy) maybe. It might help put things in perspective, then you can enjoy your time with your DP as you should be.

And feel free to PM me if you like, no judgement here smile

flurp Fri 15-Mar-13 08:54:58

I think the fact that he stuck around after getting his ex pg and tried to make it work even though he didnt really love her says that he is a decent guy. Lets not forget that his ex manipulated him too.
The relationship with his ex isn't the issue though. He is a good dad. He will be a good dad to the OPs children too. The issue is how she is feeling now.
Colditz you are being judgemental and harsh - all she wanted was advice on how she's feeling not a character assassination of her DP.

colditz Fri 15-Mar-13 08:02:50

Oh, also I have not been dumped since I was seventeen, but I have seen a lot of my friends tolerate "nice guys"who really are not at all nice, as their behavior demonstrates. Nice guys do nice things. Nice guys treat people nicely. Nice guys do not impregnate someone they don't love and intend to leave.

Isn't it a little worrying how many girls don't realise this? That, to them, "nice" means "loves me"? That it doesn't matter how he has treated everyone else who has ever crossed his path, they are "different" and what they have is "special" and he will definitely "change"?

It is something that repeats constantly on mumsnet, it's worth researching.

colditz Fri 15-Mar-13 07:54:09

That's so off base, it's hilarious. Have fun guys.

Ps PLEASE don't have a baby yet.

allnewtaketwo Fri 15-Mar-13 06:51:44

The point she is making is unrelated to the OP's question, and notwithstanding this, colditz has repeated and repeated her point over and over and over. Swearing and raging at the OP pretty viciously in a way that shows very clearly she's treating the OP like the husband stealer who her own partner left her for

ThingummyBob Thu 14-Mar-13 23:22:06

Maybe she didn't love him either hmm

Doesn't change the point Colditz is making though does it?

EvilEdna2909 Thu 14-Mar-13 20:43:53

Yet again colditz ur making assumptions about people u dont know about. His ex did not love him it was his money and security which she liked so thats why she was scared incase he was going to leave and stopped taking her pill. Again this has came from her mouth not my dp. And yes he should have left he knows that but leaving your child and not seeing them everyday is easier said than done. .And that was the first time I stuck up for myself to you..being rude to people and calling them names obviously makes u happy cos u seem very miserable

allnewtaketwo Thu 14-Mar-13 19:43:58

Why "she clearly loved him" hmm

colditz Thu 14-Mar-13 18:53:33

I did not complain abut you being rude to me, I merely pointed out that doing so won't make you happy, but do carry on if you believe it will cheer you up, because I genuinely don't mind.


Your boyfriend claims he did not love his ex when he got her pregnant either time. She clearly loved him, but instead of doing the decent thing and moving out, he carried on shagging her without using a condom.

Nice men do not behave like that. Nice men behave nicely. Knobs behave like that. Therefore ...... ?

EvilEdna2909 Thu 14-Mar-13 18:33:47

I agree I should not have children yet and I have never said that I plan to. Everyone has suggested I should not have kids yet which I totally agree but colditz u have called my dp a nob, horrible so have you have audacity to complain about me being rude to you god only knows! 'abandoned a pregnant woman with a toddler' 'dont have children yet cos when ur 4 month pregnant he may realise the situations not working he'll be that horrible you'll have enough too'. All absolutely false and assumptions and judgements on a situation and people who u know absolutely nothing about

SoWhatIfImWorkingClass Thu 14-Mar-13 18:32:27


I think the OP is probably well aware that a man's financial obligation to his first family doesn't end Just because he decides to start a second family with someone else. She hasn't even raised concerns about the financial side of things but yet someone just has to mention it.

What makes you think he can't afford to have any more?

Chip on your shoulder much?

colditz Thu 14-Mar-13 18:29:24

The situation is sordid, and a man who fucks someone he later claims to have never loved, without using a condom, and gets her pregnant AGAIN, is a knob. He is. It's not the behavior of a nice person who respects women.

SoWhatIfImWorkingClass Thu 14-Mar-13 18:26:37

I forgot to mention in my previous posts that calling the OP immature is, quite frankly, very patronising.

Just because she has these feelings/worries doesn't make her sound immature at all. In fact, I think it's very mature of her addressing these feelings NOW rather than ignoring it. Like I said before, sometimes people need to take a step back and think about their future when there is the prospect of potentially being a step parent. Just because she hasn't been in this situation before doesn't make her immature at all. It's a lot to take in and she was asking for advice.

She's 24 years old for Christ's sake.

allnewtaketwo Thu 14-Mar-13 18:00:32

The bit in your latest post is hardly the nastiest element if your posts in this thread colditz. Calling her partner a knob for example, calling her situation sordid. She only came on here asking for advice and her responses show she is taking heed of the sensible advice shes been given. Resorting to name calling is unnecessary and nasty

allnewtaketwo Thu 14-Mar-13 18:00:00

The bit in your latest post is hardly the nastiest element if your posts in this thread colditz. Calling her partner a knob for example, calling her situation sordid. She only came on here asking for advice and her responses show she is taking heed of the sensible advice shes been given. Resorting to name calling is unnecessary and nasty

colditz Thu 14-Mar-13 16:17:37

Being rude to and about me won't make you feel better. Sorry about that.

I am not being spiteful when I suggest you don't have children yet. I am absolutely serious. I think, with the level of jealousy and paranoia you have going on with the two children your partner already has, that you will be constantly going on at him (which you must already be doing or why would such an allegedly wonderful man be threatening to leave you, which you told us on Saturday) and you will be deeply unhappy.

ilovepicnmix Thu 14-Mar-13 15:59:59

I am shocked at how horrible some people are being! That's all.

EvilEdna2909 Thu 14-Mar-13 14:33:29

Sorry mendi I hadn't answered ive had so much to answer! And I know ur completely right if I had 3 boys and 2 girls and had a boy on the way the child woukd not be any less special. I know I have been irrational and stupid but I think a big part is that I don't have existing children so I didn't quite understand but hearing from mothers on here I know how stupid ive been. Ive just been over thinking and scared incase my dp is disappointed when we have a child. I know now it was all a load of bull shit on my part.

Mendi Thu 14-Mar-13 14:17:28

You still haven't explained whether, if you already had a child and then had another, you'd consider the second 'not special' just because you already had one.

If your answer is 'of course I would think my second child was just as special as the first' then your whole paranoid scenario re your DP's kids is baseless.

You don't seem to have much clarity of thought on this, hence why a lot of the posters on this thread are saying you sound so immature.

EvilEdna2909 Thu 14-Mar-13 13:27:28

Stepmooster thanks for ur input I know what your saying. I know I am only 24 and being with my dp for just 11 month but u know deep down he is the only one for me. He really loves me and will do anything for me. My dp has tried n tried to reassure me saying it will be different when we have a family cos he'll be a full time dad rather than just one night a week. But I just worry myself stupid and my mind goes into over drive. My dp is a really good dad and I know he would be to our children. I want my dp to be happy and excited when we have kids and im scared he won't be though he assures me that when we have a baby it will be the happiest day of his life.

Stepmooster Thu 14-Mar-13 13:18:38

There are a lot of bitter people on MN Edna, who can only assume that because they have come across scumbags that other men who are not with their children's mothers are also scumbags. I would just ignore them. I think I am some what like you and prone to overthinking. This is how I am interpreting your posts, I may be well off the mark. You are 24 and you have fallen in love with a man with 2 very young children, and that is not what you expected in life. No one has daydreams about falling in love with a man with children already. Now you are 11 months in, and you can see how much he adores his children and you are unsure if he will a) really want anymore children with you in 5+ years time b) that he will find it all old hat. And perhaps you want to know now in order to save yourself heartache. I am afraid no one is going to be able to tell you the answer, and all I can say is go with your instincts, you know your DP best not us.

A lot of people are advising you to just relax and not worry about it an wait and see, but in 5 years time you could've wholly commited yourself to this man and his children at the expense of having children of your own, or you do have children with him but their daddy may not really love or want them, and is just doing it to please you? So how can you jsut relax 5 years is a long time to wait. Yes this is the sort of weird overthinking I can relate to, and I have to say sometimes not without merit, but more often than not apt to ruin your life.

Your DP has tried to reassure you deep down maybe you don't believe him? Or you are feeling insecure about something in your relationship? I don't know, you are still young and I would think that if this is bothering you so much now maybe your DP is not the man for you? Or perhaps to put it another way you are not the lady for your DP. Perhaps if it is bothering you so much walking away now may save your sanity. Being a mother is not easy bieng a mother and a stepmother is even harder, add in a whole host of worries justified or not, then that is not a pleasant life to make for you, your DP his kids and any possible kids you may have.

When my DH and started on our relationship I told him straight away, I want children, I want a family and I don't want fall in love with someone who might not want to go through it all again. My DH really wanted to have more children, he missed his son and his stepchildren and longed to have a house full of kids again. His face just beamed tbh when I brought it up, he didn't have to say yes I want to have more children it was written over his face.

I had a slight worries and fears when I was pregnant, hormones go everywhere. However I was so relieved in the early days of DD life that DH knew what he was doing.

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