My Jealousy & Paranoia(107 Posts)
I have been with my DP for 11 months now. He has DD who is 2 and a DS who is 9 months. We and my boyfriend were going out for nearly 3 months when his DS was born. Everything is amicable with his ex and have ni rela problems. The problem lies with me. I have never wanted children and was okay that my DP had a girl and a boy on the way cos i thought he wouldnt need any more children if hes got one of each.
And now its the opposite. For the past couple of month ive realised i want children and the fact that he has a boy ang a girl spoilts it for me. In the future Im going to have his third kid, his 2nd boy or girl. its not going to be special at all. His going to do everything with his two before mine. When mine come along it wont be nothing new and exciting to him. Its driving us apart.Please help
I clicked on this thread by accident and really wish I hadn't started reading. You are making me angry. Why should the children he has with you take priority over the ones he has already? That seems to be what you want. You chose to get involved with a man who had children. They deserve the very best from him - your dc will be no less special, but they certainly shouldn't be more special. You either need to get a grip or get a new relationship, because you are going to be an awful stepmother if you don't. His kids deserve better.
EvilEdna, I don't think you should consider having kids with this man until you can come to terms with the fact that he already has children. And it is normal and right that they are his priority in life. That is a good thing that means he is a decent father, which should appeal to you.
This in NO WAY means your future children would be any less precious to him or less exciting.
My children are all as important as each other to me. I am just about to have a second son. He will not be less precious to me because I have a son already. They will be different people and I will adore them both. Love for your children is not finite; it is infinite.
You need to deal with these feelings about your step children or they will ruin a good relationship. If I met a boyfriend who felt like you about my existing children, it would be the relationship with the boyfriend that would go. I don't think I could be with an adult long term who was jealous of my children.
In your shoes, I would choose to try and love my partner's children because if you stay together, they will be your children's siblings. That can be a really special relationship for your own children. See them as part of your family and think about how nice it will be to add to that in future.
I am not trying to make you feel bad at all because I think human beings are complex and we sometimes feel paranoid/jealous and that's life. But it is a good thing to try and move past it because otherwise it is a terribly destructive way to live your life.
My apologies, I made an assumption. Let's call it experience! Regardless, if he's been with the OP for 11 months and there is a 9 month old baby with his ex, there is overlap. I don't think it's unreasonable to make an assumption that the OP's partner was in two relationships at once...of course, his ex may well have got rid of him rather than him having left her!
Mumandboys, not if you allow for the fact that gestation takes nine months....
And therefore, the baby was CONCEIVED eighteen months ago.
When and why his precious relationship ended is irrelevant.
Maybe his ex ended it or maybe it was a mutual break up.
Firstly I have no immediate plans to have children with anyone for at least 5 years as im only 24
and mumsandboys your right there is an over lap but it had absolutely nothing to do me with me. After his ex 'missed the pill' with their first child she knew it wasnt going to make him love her so she stopped taking her pill behind his back (which she admitted to him) hoping it would make everything better. Hee left her when she was 4 month pregnant and met me when she was 6 month. So saying hes a horrible person is pretty low. I have no sympathy for women who use their children has traps! She deserved everything she got and she knows it which is why she was okay when he started seeing me. And I love my step children loads I just dont want them to take the shine off when I have kids, os tjat so horrible?
Um yes. It is horrible. And you have been fed the biggest pile of bullshit by a man who left a toddler and a pregnant woman, who apparently he didn't love but was happily fucking her anyway.
What a catch.
See, I really don't think she DID deserve to be abandoned by the father of her children at four months pregnant, and I don't think the children deserve to be thought of a cute little things who will stop your boyfriend loving you, and I really don't think you should have children for quite a long time. I must admit, I am surprised to learn that you are twenty four, you sound a LOT younger than that. About ten years younger.
Thats your opinion colditz but in actual fact hes ex did have enough of the relationship herself and when it came to it she was the one that wanted to move out and SHE told me that herself .
A considerable amount of men - and women are in relationships just for the sake of their kids but they obviously still have to share a bed and try and get on with it for the sake of their dc. My boyfriend was unhappy with her for a long time she knew he did not love her she knew that he was only with her for the sake of dd and he was going to end it so she took it upon herself to stop taking thepill behind his back and get pregnant again. Her trap worked the first time - not the second time. My dp couldn't be in a unhappy relationship anymore and all they did was argue infront of their dd and barely spoke and if u think that is an environment for a child to be in and another to be brought into then I think you need to mature a bit.
And p.s. ive never once implied that him loving his kids stops him from loving me so I don't know where you have came to that idea.
P.s.2 me and his ex are on speaking terms and shes told me herself how bad there relationship was and she realised she'd made a mistake (getting pregnant again) and she wanted to leave. So my boyfriend hasnt told me any 'bullshit' as u put it.
Agree 100% with colditz. Don't know what you see in the man who left his 4 months pregnant partner! And if she chucked him out maybe he deserved it. On the other end all your own 'bullshit' about his kids taking 'shine out' of your 'future' children is a big brain numbing idiotic philosophy ever. Absolutely irritating and irrational. Grow up fast.
My DP had 2 kids when we met, a boy and a girl - he was keen to have another child and after we'd been together a few years and I thought the relationship was a 'keeper' we had DD. I was worried, like you, that this child would be less 'special' to him and the experience for us would be different. You don't want to hear this - but I was mostly right, it was different than had it been our first and only child together. I don't love my DD any less, but it wasn't perhaps the experience I would have dreamed of - and, unlike you, I wasn't that bothered - I was mildly concerned, but it wasn't a deal breaker. If anything, having DD brought back a lot of negative stuff for him about his previous relationship breaking down and he frankly was a pretty rubbish Dad to DD for the first couple of years, he was lazy and didn't pull his weight.
Your feelings may change over time, like you say, you're not planning on having a baby any time soon, but how you feel and the stress and anxiety it's causing are not positive signs.
You've not even been with him a year. Slow down.
And see if he's willing to get married before you start making children. The answer might be telling.
I think your original posting implied that you see your partner's children as a potential problem. You are worried that if you and he decide to have a baby together that - because of the existing children - he won't regard this baby as unique and special. Any step-parent and mother knows that there will be times when one of the children from the earlier relationships will become a particular focus of concern (problems at school, minor behavioural difficulties etc.) I think posters are worried that when this happens you might become upset that the new child has been in some ways sidelined. It's something to think about.
Nobody has to impregnate a woman that they will later claim to not have loved at the time.
If you are hell bent on staying with this man, I suggest you are very very nice to his children, and don't get pregnant in case he decides that the relationship "isn't working" and is so vile to you that by the time you are four months gone, you agree and throw him out.
Ask his ex what went wrong. Ask his ex how he behaved.
OP I honestly think that once you let these feelings pass, you will see that your DP will be just as enthusiastic about the children you have together in the future as the ones he has already. If he thinks less highly about your children together in the future then he is an arse hole, but it most likely won't come to that.
As I said in my original post to you at the beginning, I felt the same, had the same worries and concerns and it was all in my head. Although, DP did say to me after DS1 was born that he was worried about not loving our child as much as he loves his daughter. Not a good thing to say to me at the time as I had only given birth a few days before, was quite emotional and became very very protective of my DS and resentful towards DP and his daughter for a while.
But my god does he absolutely love our two sons to pieces now and they haven't been "out-shined" by their sister no way
Only the OP and her DP and his ex know the full story of the breakup. I have a friend who got pg by accident by a man she didn't love. She wanted dc so much she kept the baby and thought she could force herself to love him.. She split with him when she was 7 months pg because she knew she wouldn't be able to commit. A year or so later he pushed her into trying again and she got pg again but the feelings just weren't there, no matter how much she wanted them to be. Now she has two beautiful dc and he is a great dad to them. Looking at it from the outside you could assume that he got her pg and left her twice, which is awful but the truth is very very different.
OP - you said yourself that until recently you didn't want dc at all so these feelings may just be a knee jerk reaction to him having a baby.
Don't have a baby until you are 100% sure in your mind that you can handle the step children and all
the crap that comes with them.
It might be all sweetness at the moment while they are small but believe me being a step parent isn't always easy, its a thankless job at the best of times.
My original posting was in fact about me having future children and my step kids -not about my partners moral conduct but ill address it anyway. I have spoken to his ex a number of times and there relationship sounded like they both treat eachother badly as they both were young when they met. It seemed like one of them awful relationships were people are together for convenience. It seemed my dp (who was only 18 when first got with his ex) was using her for washing n ironing n sex and She was using him for his money as she had stolen money from him a number of times n was very money orientated. There was no love, both as bad as eachother but it was his ex that decided that she never wanted to put her hand in her pocket again, stopped taking her pill and bring children into the horrendous relationship. My dp was fuming at what she done but refused to leave her for the sake of the baby. He tried to make relationship work after she had their dd for a year but it wasnt working. His ex knew this n was scared his wallet would go so she stopped her pill again(on purpose she admitted to him)and tried to use another innocent child to trap him. 4 months wentb by n My dp just could not do it anymore and neither could his ex by this point. They were both unhappy decided to call it a day and he left. Now his ex who is happy in a new relationship has told me and my dp that there was no love in their relationship how n how seperating is the best thing they ever did.
So I know he wouldn't do this to me cos the difference is he never loved her as she never loved him where as i know my dp worships the ground I work on. And also I am nothing but nice to his children. I love them as I love my own my concerns were only that cos he had a boy n girl that it would be not as exciting n special when I eventually had a child. I know its irrational and very stupid but I don't have any existing children so I don't understand on what having a child is like or what comes with it.
Why do you keep saying "my concerns were only that cos he had a boy n girl that it would be not as exciting n special when I eventually had a child"
What difference does it make that he has a boy and a girl. It's not like if he only had boys you could then decide to have a girl to make it special. You have no say over what you'll have anyway
OP, don't feel the need to explain your ex's past.
Your partner's past with his ex.
That was meant to say. I'm tired.
Allnewraketwo I know but as I have said I dont have existing children so I dont understand and worry over stupid stuff. All any woman wants is when she had kids is too be special and I know im ober thinking things and being stupid.
Sowhatifimworkingclass. Ive felt as if ive had to. People are jumping to conclusions saying my ex has told me bull shit that he has left a pregnant woman for that he may leave me when im pregnant and all that baloney when they have not got a clue on the facts of the situation at all
I don't think the op should be shot down just because she is being honest about her feelings, irrational or not. I have a son with my dp and this is his fourth son. While I was pregnant I had hoped for a girl thinking it would be different for dp and that she wouldnt have to compete with 3 big brothers. As it turned out our son is much loved by his big brothers but it easily could have been quite different. Our son is loved by his dad but there's no doubt that the experience has been different for me as he's my first. Fact. Maybe not fact for other couples though.
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