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(94 Posts)
Libby10 Wed 27-Feb-13 17:57:30

Hi everyone

We have always had a very rigid rota right down to organising bank holidays a year ahead in January. Now all the SKs are over 18 this has seemed more and more bizarre - especially as it continues during the holidays. Now we only have on SD aged 18 at home. When she started 6 form DP suggested we move to EOW but her mum wasn't keen. DP left it but asked again at the beginning of this year when she asked about bank holidays. She agreed and we started the new rota at the beginning of this month. SD has always been happy about this when asked.
This w/e SD asked if we could go back to the old rota. When DP asked why she was quite evasive but it became clear that it was her mum and her mum's BF who have been complaining - DP thinks the problem is that his ex's BF is unhappy because she didn't ask him before agreeing to the move. I really don't want to move back to the old rota - EOW suits us much more. DP is unhappy that his ex didn't speak to him directly rather than through SD and just said that we should give it a bit longer before deciding. He has said that if SD keeps asking we should change back but I am really not happy about this as it seems we've got caught up with an argument that is nothing to do with SD and the rota.

Petal02 Mon 04-Mar-13 12:18:19

I think the problem is not helped by a vicious circle of DP doing his best Disney impression, you getting frustrated and resentful of DSS because of it, which in turn makes you feel you want to force some normality onto DP and DSS. But the more you push for DP to behave more appropriately, the more Disney he becomes!

Redhen, that’s exactly how it can be in our household, you’ve summed it up really well.

theredhen Mon 04-Mar-13 06:37:12

Nurse, I feel sorry for everyone in your family! Your dss who isn't being brought up by his father properly. I feel he's being failed massively. His dad should be teaching him independence not clinginess. Your dd is being taught that her brother is golden child who gets what he wants. Your dp obviously has attachment and seperation issues when it comes to dss. And poor you having to live through all this crap!

I think the problem is not helped by a vicious cycle of dp doing his best Disney impression, you getting frustrated and resentful of dss because of it, which in turn makes you feel you want to force some normality on dp and dss (like the holiday). The more you push for dp to behave more appropriately, the more Disney he becomes!

Have you thought about counselling to try and break the cycle?

Nurse1980 Sun 03-Mar-13 22:51:32

Yes the problem definitely is with the parents

OH hasn't spoken to me properly for 4 days now. Just gone downstairs and he is busy writing a list of activities he can do with this son such as paintballing etc.

yuleheart Sun 03-Mar-13 22:38:13

Then surely the problem is the parents - both mum and dad - have not brought the children up to be independant?

Nurse1980 Sun 03-Mar-13 22:13:36

He does help out with her but would rather do time consuming tasks when stepson isn't here! He moans how his son his sat in his bedroom on his own. Nothing stopping his son coming downstairs to spend time with us.

Petal02 Sun 03-Mar-13 22:05:39

Nurse, just seen your latest post: he's not prepared to help out with the baby just to indulge DSS17???? I've heard it all now.

Petal02 Sun 03-Mar-13 22:01:03

Maja - Disney dads certainly don't help!

MajaBiene Sun 03-Mar-13 21:57:04

So are your DHs the problem here, rather than the children? I cannot imagine my DP behaving in this way towards his (now adult) daughter.

Nurse1980 Sun 03-Mar-13 21:56:24

Oh dear petal this gets worse!

He doesn't like it as he has to help bath the baby or look after her while i wash and dry my hair, which cuts into time with his son. He asked me to do it when his son isn't staying over.

Petal02 Sun 03-Mar-13 21:48:21

Nurse, I once got into trouble for using the down stairs loo when DSS was in the building. God help the poor lamb if he finds out women have bladders ...... He plans to study medicine, its gonna be traumatic! Maybe the hospital could re-arrange its shift pattern in line with the access rota?

theredhen Sun 03-Mar-13 21:35:26

Why on earth does washing your hair affect father and son time?

Nurse1980 Sun 03-Mar-13 21:32:10

Another rant!!

I got asked to not wash my hair or give the baby a bath when stepson is here as it cut into father/son time!

theredhen Sun 03-Mar-13 21:15:37

Interestingly my dsd has told me she "can't wait" to learn to drive. Like your step kids, I have no idea where she is actually intending to drive to as she refuses to go anywhere at the moment.

I'm clinging to the hope that driving lessons and hopefully a licence will make her more independent.

Petal02 Sun 03-Mar-13 20:42:32

Yep, keep venting! It's good to talk!

allnewtaketwo Sun 03-Mar-13 20:37:57

Nurse, vent on here if it helps. Some of us really know what it's like, you're not alone!

Nurse1980 Sun 03-Mar-13 20:17:33

Sounds exactly like my stepson, gets picked up and dropped off at college five times a week. No independence and doesn't have any hobbies/social life.

He's a nice young man but very immature because of how his dad is.

I'm about to blow a fuse about it all soon it's getting ridiculous now.

allnewtaketwo Sun 03-Mar-13 20:10:41

DSS1 got driving lessons for his birthday ( not from us). I have no idea what the point is. He simply has nowhere to go. The bus goes straight from his house to ours in 15 mins and he hasn't taken it once. He doesn't go anywhere else.

Petal02 Sun 03-Mar-13 20:07:23

Allnew, my DSS also seems to want to continue living like a child. We've bought him a car, booked and paid for his driving lessons, but as soon as DH told him that once he's passed his test, he will be able to drive to/from our house (rather than DH chauffeuring him around) he's lost all interest. I couldn't wait to pass my test, and for the freedom I knew it would bring, but DSS wants to cling to his child hood, and by extension the lifts/fixed visiting.

allnewtaketwo Sun 03-Mar-13 19:00:39

Lol at money for overseeing your sibling!

To me, DSS1 wants to be treated like a young child. I can't do anything about that. But it has consequences. You don't get to have adult privileges when you insist in behaving like a young child.

Nurse1980 Sun 03-Mar-13 18:55:43

My stepson wants paying a rather large amount of money to babysit! I suppose gone are the days when you would babysit your sibling for free.

I wouldn't leave him with her anyway she is too young.

allnewtaketwo Sun 03-Mar-13 18:50:15

I don't think an adult not being able to use an oven is anything to do with a parent jot having equipped them with the skills though. Particularly not where they can use an oven at home. And at school no doubt when doing food tech or whatever it's called. It's pure indulgence and laziness. If he lives out oh hone at university, there will be no-one "teaching" him how to use the oven in digs or halls. He will either have to get off his arse and have a go, be very hungry, or look like a complete idiot when he can't do it.

I wouldn't leave DSS1 unsupervised in my house for more than an hour or so. Nothing to do with being given skills to use a kettle/oven, but bro g so apathetic to acquiring normal levels of responsibility that he can't be trusted. He doesn't WANT to behave or be treated as an adult. Hence he has no interested in learning adult skills.

For example we went out last night, and had to get a babysitter in for DS, despite DSS1 (17) being in the house.

Nurse1980 Sun 03-Mar-13 18:05:11

Exactly the same petal!!

My stepson gives DH his toothbrush when it needs charging instead of doing it himself. He tells him when to brush his teeth for bed. The rota is stuck to religiously.
None of this is stepsons fault. It's that of his fathers.

NotaDisneyMum Sun 03-Mar-13 18:04:33

petal I agree supervising a child of any age doesn't need to be delivered to a strict rota, but if one parent decides what they are going to do then the other parent either fits in, or absolves themselves of the responsibility.

It's certainly not unreasonable for a step-parent to resent the fact that their partner is still adhering to a rota that is dictated by an ex in order to supervise an adult who is unable to take responsibility for themselves because neither parent has equipped them with the skills they need to do so!

Petal02 Sun 03-Mar-13 18:01:03

My stepson is unable to do basic house hold things, because he's treated like a hotel guest when he's here; DH waits on him hand and foot, so there's no reason for him to learn to operate the grill etc. it's quite different at his mother's house, as she's the resident parent there's no Disney stuff going on, so I gather he functions quite normally when he's at home, and stays there by himself when his mother is away.

Nurse1980 Sun 03-Mar-13 17:56:04

Petal02 we have very similar situations!!

My stepson is unable to operate the oven, grill etc as my DH makes all his meals and snacks when hes here! He even asks if there is any ice cream on the menu. I do worry for these young men who's independence is not promoted.

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