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so DSD's Mum is off on her holiday but

(158 Posts)
MsIngaFewmarbles Sun 24-Feb-13 16:40:20

She wants her on Mothers day which is also DHs 40th birthday. Her mum is going on a 2 week trip to the Caribbean the following day with her boyfriend so wont see dsd for 3 weeks. She has now asked to have dsd on mothers day as 'she'll miss her so much'. I am fuming, I have planned a lovely family day which celebrates both dhs big birthday and mothers day with in laws.

Dsd said she isnt really interested in spending time with her mum as she has been feeling pushed out by the new bf. I know I might be ranty and unreasonable but if she's going to miss her so much then why not go in the holidays and take her too?

Rant over, thanks for reading.

sanityseeker75 Tue 26-Feb-13 12:59:30

MsIngaFewmarbles I am a SM as well as a M, it is a very tricky situation as art of me thinks just let the girl go, at least she gets some one on one time with M before she goes off, on the other I can clearly see that this is just another game play scenario that has happened to us many a time.

If M is going away on the Monday will she be dropping off on the Sunday? If so I would suggest that your DSD stays at moms on Saturday night and comes to you mid afternoon so she gets the best of both worlds.

It may grate on you (and put you out a bit) but at least you are then being reasonable and are offering you a compromise.

We have EW access and strangely my DSC M has never been that bothered by Mothers day I guess she knows she is their mom and therefore doesn't need a particular day to tell her so (and probably just enjoys spending her day not having to pick up after kids and cook dinner etc - which then just makes it another day with a card and pressie)

lunar1 Mon 25-Feb-13 22:11:20

You could protect a child from grown up issues though. Why tell her about the email? Why put her in the middle. You see yourself as so superior, yet you are not acting in her best interests either.

WakeyCakey Mon 25-Feb-13 21:41:21

As a step mum,
No matter what DSD's mum does, no matter how many weekends away she has or short notice changes she makes, she should see her daughter on Mother's Day!
I love my DSD too but to me she needs to have Mother's Day with her mum! Not with me.

You came into this family knowing that you wouldn't be put first, that's what becoming a stepmum is! Realising that there is someone more important than you there.

She is 9 years old, this is about giving her that chance to make memories with her mum no matter what it does to you!
Sorry because you are defensive and you haven't got the answers you want. Have a cake for DH's birthday but have a party once his ex is away you have a couple of weeks to plan so what's the problem!

I think you are being selfish even though you are trying to hide it. Have Mother's Day with your children and let DSD's mum have the same DH can have a belated birthday by a week can't he, he's 40 not 4!

MsIngaFewmarbles Mon 25-Feb-13 21:33:16

I disagree lunar. As long as any child has a reliable loving person to have a good relationship with then they are safe and can be happy.

If DSDs mum chooses to put herself and bf ahead of her daughter there is nothing I can do about that and neither can DH. All we can do is offer a safe loving home and make sure our animosity towards her actions isn't apparent. I dont see that we have a responsibility to try and sort out the mother/daughter relationship. That is up to her mum.

SweetSeraphim Mon 25-Feb-13 20:48:53

Biological mother lunar

lunar1 Mon 25-Feb-13 20:41:02

Eleanor, what a horrible attitude. Their is a child in the middle of all this!

Can I ask though what is a BM?

ElenorRigby Mon 25-Feb-13 18:08:52

For what's its worth, for clarity I am a step mum.
I really understand where your coming from.
It's really shit as a stepmum when a BM doesnt really give a shite about her DC's but insists on having "special days" like birthdays, christmas, mothers day for herself to bolster their ego hmm

Your DSD is already resenting this.

Just sit back and let your DSD's mother hang herself by her own actions!

Thisisaeuphemism Mon 25-Feb-13 09:27:44

There is a parent behaving selfishly in this scenario and it's not the op.

Pantah630 Mon 25-Feb-13 08:45:57

Allfor have you been reading a different thread to me?

OP I'd try and ignore that if you can. sad

MsIngaFewmarbles Mon 25-Feb-13 08:40:03

Allfor WTF?

Fairy130389 Mon 25-Feb-13 08:09:17

That was really, really out of line.

allfornothing Mon 25-Feb-13 01:16:39

Message deleted by Mumsnet for breaking our Talk Guidelines. Replies may also be deleted.

notallytuts Mon 25-Feb-13 01:13:08

Also, imagine the reverse AIBU...

"AIBU to want my daughter on mothers day when its her dads 40th birthday, his contact weekend, and they have made plans for a big party. I am not willing to give up seeing my DD on fathers day when it is my contact weekend"

But yes, why cant the day be split?

Lostinsuffolk Sun 24-Feb-13 22:23:02

I have a similar experience to OP and now after 3 years of trying to negotiate round it and challenge for what s right for DSCs, my DP emails with a request of a change in contact and when it's declined we file in with all the others. They will be useful one day to show DsD we tried. It's sad but u have to pick ur battles n sometimes be the losers for the sake of calm in the DSCs lives.

When ur DSD gets older she will call the shots. Like others have said its shit being a SM sometimes but don't lose sight of the end goal. A happy child whatever u think may be happening. Hang in there x

DioneTheDiabolist Sun 24-Feb-13 22:13:30

Patchoulli, I'm not saying that she has to miss out on having Mother's Day with her mum. On the contrary, I think this little girl can have both. A lovely Saturday with her mum. Giving her mum her card and a cuppa in bed on Mother's day proper.

Then getting dropped off at the party.

I totally think that OP's DSD should win this time. And it can happen if the adults in her life behave reasonably and with her best interests at heart.

MsIngaFewmarbles Sun 24-Feb-13 22:11:34

Judging by her response to DHs offer that she has her on Saturday I think neither actually. It would appear that her DP has to work on the Sunday as they are away the following week so she would be alone. She has declined Saturday as she is busy.

lunar1 Sun 24-Feb-13 22:09:08

the poor girl, non of you are prioritising her, you are bickering like children and planting her in the middle. what ever the outcome for mothers day why cant you keep DSD out of it, why are you telling her about the email? this puts horrible pressure on a 9 year old trying to find the right thing to say to each party to keep all the adults in her life happy.

Sort it out as grownups and stop making a 9 year old child have to deal with adult issues and emotions. stop all the tit-for-tat, just because you dont like the way her mum behaves doesn't mean you have to behave badly too.

I have been this child, i still at 32 find it difficult to show my true emotions and instead try to respond to thing how i think im supposed to instead of thinking about how i feel. you never quite get over crap like this.

Greensleeves Sun 24-Feb-13 22:07:56

OP why do you think your dsd's mother wants her on Mothers' Day? Is she actually going to make a fuss of her and make it special, do you think? Or do you suspect she is just doing it to fuck up your plans, and dsd will have a crap day? Genuine question.

BTW it is really rude to refer to a child's mother as "BM". Lots of mothers find that offensive.

Fairy130389 Sun 24-Feb-13 22:06:22

I agree Dione.

Lest we forget that mothers day is a made up holiday, and being drooped off at lunchtime or celecrating the day before is not going to make a huge difference.

Patchouli Sun 24-Feb-13 22:04:29

Dione the 9 year old girl knows that her mum won't be going til the next day and that it's Mother's Day.
That day perhaps does make a difference.
Maybe she'll have made something at school/ maybe the OP will have helped her get a gift.

Fairy130389 Sun 24-Feb-13 22:01:29

What is dripping?

DioneTheDiabolist Sun 24-Feb-13 22:00:19

Patchoulli, the mum is going away for 2 weeks. Another day isn't going to make that much of a difference. Especially if she drops her off on Sunday.

But it will make a huge difference for her daughter to celebrate with all of her paternal family.

Greensleeves Sun 24-Feb-13 21:59:00

Your recent revelation is very sad, poor little dsd.

For me though it doesn't change the basic principle that as her sm if you want the best for her you should be trying to support her having the best relationships she can with both parents, not just pretending she is your own - she isn't, and it will only cause conflict and she will be the one who pays the emotional price. You are not actually entitled to evaluate the quality of her relationship with her mother and decide that it isn't worth losing time in your, much better, care for. If her mum is so appalling that she shouldn't be spending unsupervised contact with her, then it is for your dh (not you) to take action. If not, then you need to back off and let her parents make the arrangements. Whether or not it ruins YOUR day just isn't the issue. That's kids for you.

UnsureOfOutcome Sun 24-Feb-13 21:58:10

woah, OP, just cross-posted with your last. Criminy. She actually sounds like a horror. That said though, honestly, I still think the best thing you can do for your DSD is to support her relationship with her mother where you can. Realise it's crappy for you and v unfair but as someone upthread said (fairy?) someone needs to be the bigger person, and on past experience it doesn't look like it's going to be DSD's Dm.

Sorry though - jeez, what a mess sad Good luck with it all thanks

Patchouli Sun 24-Feb-13 21:56:15

x-posts, I said about the dripping before I even saw that last post.

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