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I'm so cross and upset

(70 Posts)
arggggggh Sun 24-Feb-13 16:00:13

DSD is never allowed to come on holiday with us. Her mum always makes an excuse up... I've no idea why, all I can think of is that it's down to jealousy.

We're planning on going to Disney in December which means she would have to have three days off school. Her mum put in a holiday form for it last week and it's come back as a no.

We don't know what to do... We're taking DD out of school for 2 days for the holiday but her school doesn't have holiday forms etc and we're going to (I know this is wrong..) say she's been poorly. We can't afford to go in holiday time at all, it's just so expensive.

We don't see why DSD mum cant just ring her in sick for a few days... honestly, it's going to be near Christmas and they don't do any serious work at school then..
don't want her missing out AGAIN, no matter what we do she's never allowed to come (this is the first time we would be going in school time btw)

Are We being hideously unreasonable for asking her to have 3 days off school? I'm so doubled up in anger/upset I think my judgement is off.

NotaDisneyMum Tue 26-Feb-13 16:04:37

"step up and deal with things" he is trying, the call to the school today was the first phone call he has made in 4 years. No one can accuse him of not trying

It doesn't sound like your DP is able to act as an equal parent in his DD's life right at the moment. Have you looked into the support that is available for your DSD and DH? It sounds like the shared care arrangement that is in place for his DD is only being achieved because of the responsibility he has delegated to you?

While I understand your desire to "rescue" your DSD from two parents who are failing to provide her with what she needs, the only way you can do that is to secure Parental Responsibility, and act on your DSD behalf as an equal, alongside her parents.
Until then, you can only hope to influence the situation by supporting your DP to be the best parent he can, even if that means the shared care arrangement is not tenable right now. Trying to make arrangements yourself, and fulfil a parental role in this situation is likely to end in heartache for both you and your DSD.

Based on the situation you have described, an overseas trip with your DD and DSD, along with your DH would place you in the role of sole/primary carer not only for both the DC's but also your DH. If your DH is struggling with phone calls, then negotiating airports, theme parks and guest check-ins even without the possibility of problems at immigration, must be a daunting prospect. You won't be able to intervene and assist if problems do arise when travelling with your DSD; it will be down to your DP to do that alone - you would be excluded.

flurp Tue 26-Feb-13 11:39:23

I don't think anyone was being rude - because you didn't mention till the last minute that DH has MH problems. I agree that you maybe need to detach a little.
NADM is right. Even if the school grant permission the Mum won't give permission or hand over her passport so it is all going to be a pointless exercise which will only cause undue stress to your DH and DSD.
As a SM I would say just pick your battles. Surely you can have a UK holiday in your time with DSD without having to get permission.

ProbablyJustGas Mon 25-Feb-13 17:08:05

*taking DSD to see my family in the States - so, DSD's stepfamily, which believes she is just plain family.

ProbablyJustGas Mon 25-Feb-13 17:03:04

Even if the OP's DSD's mum (alphabet soup, anyone?) was jealous and has blocked holidays in the past for that reason, I don't think this particular trip is the best way to go about getting DSD included in Dad's family. If nothing else, it sets a really bad precedent. The DSD has two parents split across two households. If Dad pulls her out of school for a holiday, on the grounds that it's cheaper to do so, who's to say Mum shouldn't? And if Mum decided, "that's not fair, now I'll pull her out of school too," you've a kid missing twice as much school!

I agree with NADM - why does it have to be Disneyland? As nice as it is, a trip to Disney is not essential to a well-developed childhood. My family could never afford the trip, even if my folks believed in yanking us kids out of school to do it. We visited family instead.

This is coming from someone who had the blues not long ago about not being allowed to take DSD to see her family in the States at Christmas. My DH asked his exW to, over and over. But after all the fuss on our end, it turned out it wouldn't have worked logistically - after a trip over last summer, we learned DSD takes a solid week to recover from jet lag, so how were we going to give her time with Mum and Mum's family, time with Dad and Dad's family, and time with my family? So, we're taking her to the States again next summer. During school vacation!

NotADragonOfSoup Mon 25-Feb-13 15:44:30

She was getting flamed for saying the mother should lie to the school and make the child lie.

winechocolatesleep Mon 25-Feb-13 15:01:08

I don't normally post but the replies on this thread are ridiculous, the op wants to involve her dsd and not leave her out,she has already explained that the mum has stopped other holidays which would suggest she is jealous,all she wants to do is take her on a lovely holiday and shes getting flamed for it

freddiemisagreatshag Mon 25-Feb-13 14:57:18

Zeeboo - you are incorrect. I have plenty of insight into MH problems.

But MH problems or not, if this couple want to not allow the ex to control their lives then they have to minimise the opportunities for her to exert that control. And MH problems or not the OP's partner has to find a way to do that, because he is the parent of this child. He is the one with parental responsibility, not the OP.

zeeboo Mon 25-Feb-13 14:49:52

Freddie your lack of insight into those with mental health problems is staggering.

NotaDisneyMum Mon 25-Feb-13 14:48:50

But you don't need permission to take your DSD on holiday in the UK - plan it quietly without letting the girls know and then when your DSD arrives for regular contact, off you go to make some memories!

On one hand I think why should we all miss out because of her mum but on the other I feel like I don't want to go without her.

Welcome to step-parenting. You can either allow yourself to be controlled by the unreasonable behaviour of others, or you can make the best of it and do as much as you can to minimise the impact on the DC's.

freddiemisagreatshag Mon 25-Feb-13 14:47:47

But he's a parent. He does need to step up and deal with it. Or you need to accept how it's going to be.

I don't mean to be rude or hurtful, I'm sure he's a great guy, I can hear in your posts that you desperately want this holiday but you can't control other people, you can only control your reaction to them, and if he keeps doing what he's always done, he'll get what he's always got - in other words, the control will continue.

he needs to decide what he wants. And then take action. Or be passive. And live with the control.

(not meant rudely, or harshly, just blunt)

arggggggh Mon 25-Feb-13 14:44:54

"step up and deal with things" he is trying, the call to the school today was the first phone call he has made in 4 years. No one can accuse him of not trying.

This thread is just making me really sad, I'm just going to leave it. Thanks for the help.

freddiemisagreatshag Mon 25-Feb-13 14:43:42

CAR not care.

freddiemisagreatshag Mon 25-Feb-13 14:43:22

But if you know her mum won't let her have a holiday, why do you tell the kids? Why do you make it such a big deal? Why can't you book a holiday on the QT and have the kids come home from school and go right kids, in the care, we're for Butlins for the weekend (or whatever)

You're enabling this control from the ex by the way you are handling it.

(I assume your ex does have PR? And no restrictions on contact?)

freddiemisagreatshag Mon 25-Feb-13 14:41:46

I didn't think I was that rude. confused

your DP needs to step up and deal with things because he is the parent of this child and you are not. The unpleasant fact is that he enabled his ex-wife to have the passport. He enabled the lying over the form.

He needs to get a bit more proactive.

In my opinion.

arggggggh Mon 25-Feb-13 14:41:34

I wish we could notadisneymum but any sniff of a holiday (UK or not) and her mum will make sure it doesn't happen at all. On one hand I think why should we all miss out because of her mum but on the other I feel like I don't want to go without her.

arggggggh Mon 25-Feb-13 14:37:39

I never said they had granted it.. I said it looks like they will, DP spent ages on the phone to them and they agreed a 3 day holiday from a certain date but still said the form needed to be completed, so I guess they are still to actually grant it.

When we did the passport there was a reason DP couldn't do it and it had to be DSD mum, but I really can't remember what it was. It was 2 or 3 years ago now.

Is there a reason why you are being SO rude freddie? DP has MH problems, He's a million times better then he was before I met him but he still needs alot of help. He is wise, he just has problems with confrontations and such like. Which is why I have to be involved so much, which DSD mum understands.

NotaDisneyMum Mon 25-Feb-13 14:36:56

Why is a holiday in Disney so important? It's clearly something that can't be achieved without a great deal of stress and anxiety - which defeats the object of having a holiday, surely?

Lots of things in life aren't fair - but you can either get het up about them, or make the best of it. I'm sure if you wanted to, you could create memories that are just as special for your DSD and DD on a UK holiday taken during the time that your DSD is regularly with you.

SweetSeraphim Mon 25-Feb-13 14:33:27

You said that the school were going to grant you 3 days confused

freddiemisagreatshag Mon 25-Feb-13 14:31:23

So how do you know the school are going to grant 3 days? I'm confused.

Why the fuck does your DP enable this woman to control his life like this? Why if he paid for the passport and is an equal parent, did he get it sent to her house?

He really really needs to wise up.

arggggggh Mon 25-Feb-13 14:29:36

They haven't agreed it yet.

No we haven't got DSD passport. We paid for it years ago but it was sent to her house.

Just hitting brick walls from every direction at the moment

freddiemisagreatshag Mon 25-Feb-13 14:29:20

It's not up to you to do anything.

It's up to your DP. Step away and detach.

lynniep Mon 25-Feb-13 14:27:37

Theres a reason this isnt in AIBU
Because you are. Very. I wont pull my kids out in term time either.

arggggggh Mon 25-Feb-13 14:26:17

I don't think DSD mum would do that, She likes to make out to DSD that she's the good guy, and we never tell her about the lies her mum tells.

I don't know what to do any more, I feel so deflated about it all.

freddiemisagreatshag Mon 25-Feb-13 14:24:51

I'm pleased the school were able to agree it for you so quickly.

But I agree with NotaDisneyMum. Do you hold DSD's passport?

NotaDisneyMum Mon 25-Feb-13 14:21:33

DP rang DSD school today and there was no form filled out or handed in, at all. They are posting him one

There's not really a lot of point though, is there? Your DSD's Mum obviously doesn't want her to go on holiday with her Dad and you, and has already apparently lied to your DP in order to try and prevent it happening.
Your DSD's mum has to give permission for your DSD to leave the country without her, and is she really going to do that? If you choose to go anyway, without Mums written permission, you risk getting stopped at immigration either here in the UK or in the States if she has made a call saying that your DSD is being taken out the country without permission.
What should be a holiday of a lifetime could well turn into a nightmare - it's not worth it, surely?

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