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Finally cracked with Disney dad and his goody goody son

(189 Posts)
quest12 Tue 19-Feb-13 22:42:09

My husband and I have a dd aged 7 we also have his son my stepson over regularly, now since she was toddling around he has tormented her made her cry but been sly about it as in he does it when we're not in the room then denies it, so I turned detective an started leaving the room but listening in so I cud make sure what my dd was telling me was right, and it was - however if I tell him off he takes his sons side and results in a 3 way argument with dss eventually saying if I'm taking dds side then he's not coming down anymore so my hubby begs me to relent and I do to keep the peace.

However yesterday we were at the local swimming pool me and hubby taking turns to go in steam room, as I'm coming out and hubs is going in I seen him elbow her in the head on purpose - she screamed crying and he stood there laughing in her face, then he looked up seen me and said "we were playing catch and cause she couldn't catch the ball she's crying" now I've been calm for 6 years but I exploded calling him a liar and evil for laughing in her face, hubby seen this an came out took dss to one side then came back saying "we're going now you've just told him off for nothing and he's upset now" in the car on way to drop dss off I told him what I'd seen and dd told her dad what happened but he lied and hubby believes him.

I've told him I'm putting up with it no longer and he says I can't tell dss off as he will stop visiting, but to me the happiness and stability of my dd is most important. I think it's an extreme case of Disney dad and I've had enuf he now thinks he can do what he likes as his dad will always take his side. What can I do ban him from coming? Or leave my hubby?

mikulkin Tue 04-Feb-14 00:08:34

Things, sexual abuse is completely different story so your comparison is out of place here. This is about pushing, picking on which could happen between any siblings, sexual abuse is not smth which could or should happen between siblings. I also do not appreciate people being rude, and I think you are being rude by saying that my comment sounds stupid.

Kaluki, if I believed that my dd wouldn't be protected by her father I wouldn't be with this man in the first place. Op is still with her husband isn't she?

Petal, thanks for a very good comment - I think OP and people who support her keep not seeing elephant in the room. This is not a problem between OP's DSS and DD this is a problem between OP and her DH. If op is scared for her dd knowing her DH will be with them then how can she live with such a man? If the tormenting is so bad that dd shouldn't go there shouldn't her father be concerned too? If he doesn't it sound like he either truly believes the communication will be fine or he is horrible father. If it is the former then I stand by my point that dd should be able to meet with her half sibling and start from clean sheet. If it is the latter then why on earth op is still with her DH and why do you all suggest she doesn't send dd instead of explaining to her that she shouldn't live with the man who allows his DD being tormented?
Have any of you considered how confused poor DD is? Her DF says she should go, she doesn't remember anything bad and her DM wouldn't let her? Give her a couple of years and she will ask her DM:" how could you not let me go if my DF is there? If anything goes wrong he would protect me" what are you going to answer then, OP?

ThingsThatGoBumpInTheNight Tue 04-Feb-14 01:05:25

My son still asks to see his brother though does that mean as a parent you should not make decisions that will keep your children safe regardless of how they feel or what they want?

Physical abuse is the same as sexual abuse to a child especially with the age gap like this situation and my own. It's not split into sexual physical and emotional - it's about the older sibling enforcing power and control over the younger child.
The op has a right to protect her dc how she sees fit and answer any questions about it later in life when her child is old enough to understand her reasons.

ThingsThatGoBumpInTheNight Tue 04-Feb-14 01:06:05

I apologise for saying the word stupid btw that was out of order

Petal02 Tue 04-Feb-14 08:40:11

Mikulkin - we DO see the elephant in the room, and we DO realise that this is ultimately a problem between the OP and her DH. However, it's up to the OP to decide whether or not she wants to leave her DH - and we all accept that leaving a marriage is an enormous thing to do - but if she decides to stay, then we need to help her live with the situation.

Kaluki Tue 04-Feb-14 11:02:52

Mikulkin if you read my post at 1050 yesterday you will see that I agree with you that OP's biggest problem is her DH and I can't imagine why she is still with him after all this. But like Petal says leaving a marriage is a huge decision, its easy for us to say LTB but this is someone's whole life here.
Until OP is ready to leave him she has to protect her DD at all costs. Surely you agree with that?

catsmother Tue 04-Feb-14 14:58:59


catsmother Tue 04-Feb-14 15:00:53

I'm not so sure it's an elephant as much as a mammoth. I too have referred - at least 4 times I think - during the course of this almost a year old thread to the OP leaving her DH (or that should probably be H). And agree that if the father was objective and fair and treated both his children equally (with age appropriate allowances of course) then it probably wouldn't matter too much if SS continued to be a nasty little bully .... in fact, he'd be very stupid to do so if he had the sort of father who took no nonsense and disciplined as and when required because any attempt at nastiness would be immediately squashed before any damage was done to DD and SS would come off worse. If the father was on the ball and fair he'd acknowledge what his son was like and he'd keep a beady eye on what was going on - hence OP wouldn't have to feel frightened about allowing H to take both his son and daughter without her as she'd be able to trust him to do the right thing.

So yes - totally agree this is mainly an H problem as opposed to the SS per se. Having said that, although he is young, I don't think a 14/15 year old should be absolved of all personal responsibility when it comes to behaving appropriately towards a much smaller and younger child. Quite obviously he does it now because his bloody father lets him get away with it without a murmur, and quite possibly gets a kick out of the "power" this gives him, as well as reinforcing (each time he's nasty and there are no repercussions) that he's daddy's "favourite". However .... I'd question if he does behave the same way to all other younger kids he comes across - like in school, or at activities ? I bet he doesn't, because a) he knows it's wrong and b) it wouldn't be stood for. In that case, he makes a conscious choice when he's foul to DD and I personally think he should bear some of the responsibility for that regardless of the fact his pathetic father condones it. In other words, jut because you can get away with doing something wrong, doesn't make it right. So I quite understand why the OP feels so resentful and hostile towards the SS.

Though remember she hasn't banned him from the house, and, she has said that she's willing to bring DD along on these days out herself - but the boy has vetoed that .... which of course, shouldn't bloody well be his call.

I've said before that I think now - in view of the length of time this has been going on - and the H's entrenched position, that the OP hasn't got a chance he's going to come round and parent his older child properly. He's not even parenting the younger one properly as he's continually shit-stirring - goading the little girl with tales of fancy days out and painting mummy as the bad guy. It must make the DD feel very stressed and torn between both her parents and he's putting her in a completely unfair and unacceptable position. What sort of decent parent treats their children so differently - and what sort of decent parent badmouths the other parent to a child (irrespective of whether they're justified in feeling angry) ?

I feel very strongly the OP should start planning a split - for her daughter's sake as well as her own. I fear she could easily end up having a nervous breakdown with the stress of this situation and the appalling way her H is treating her. However, regardless of what us lot of strangers think, actually splitting from someone is rarely simple and these days, with the cost of living and benefit cuts etc there's no escaping the fact that it's not an easy thing to embark upon and many women in the OP's position would have to make long term plans before they could actually do the deed. Whether we think that's right or wrong, until the OP actually leaves him - or tells him to piss off - then good god of course she has to protect her daughter because the child's own father is absolutely blind to any harm she may come to if it involves the untouchable older child. I suspect also that at the back of the OP's mind is how things would pan out if they did split and DD had contact with her dad ..... clearly, he couldn't be trusted to see the two children separately, and therefore, there's a significant risk that DD may be hurt again. It is possible to arrange supervised contact, but again, this isn't something you can just conjure up at will and the OP would need to take legal advice (IMO) in regard to that particular issue before feeling confident enough to split - when she'd be less able to protect DD from seeing SS than she is now.

catsmother Tue 04-Feb-14 15:01:32

(continued ....)

OP - if you're still reading, if nothing else, I really do think you need to start seriously investigating how to split from this "man". E.g. housing implications, money issues, contact issues and so on .... it does no harm to arm yourself with knowledge after all. I just can't see this ever working out or getting back on an even keel TBH .... even if SS disappeared off the face of the earth tomorrow (which is unlikely) you'd still be left with the sure and certain knowledge that your H has allowed a child to call the shots in so many ways, that he's been prepared to completely favour SS over DD, that he's been emotionally abusive to your daughter (IMO) as well as to you, that he's undermined your position as supposedly equal adult in your household and so on. I mean, how would you ever be able to forget about all of that and carry on living a "normal" life with him ? I really don't think you could - and I think the resentment would just continue to fester ever more. Please think very seriously about what your next steps should be. I agree totally that you're doing the right thing in protecting DD from the risk of physical harm but I also think that while you stay with H she's being exposed to emotional harm as well. I can't pretend that would completely disappear if you split from him but it would surely be minimised as she wouldn't see him so often.

I really do think it'd feel like a huge weight had been lifted from both of you if you split. Sure, DD will miss her dad and won't completely understand why sad to say - but as parents we sometimes have to do stuff for our kids that we know is the best thing for them even if they don't realise it just yet.

quest12 Wed 05-Feb-14 00:06:10

Thanks girls I can't stress how much reading your comments make me feel like I'm doing the best for my dd and what a nice feeling that gives me as well as cats other and petal I would also like to thank kabuki for your advice. Here is the problem I bought my house a year before I met dh, in the years I've been with him it has gone up 20k in value if I had to pay him anything in the divorce I Wundt be able to stay here, although in that time I have helped thru doing all his admin as well as working full time myself turn his business into a lucrative one he often says I'm his rock as he cudnt do without me, I spend at least 2 hours per nite after dd has gone to bed typing up quotes, invoices and preparing his tax stuff. I would honestly say 6 nights a week he is a great father to dd it's as if when dss isn't around he isn't mentioned now ( it was different when he would see me as I would insist dh picked him up for tea or if we were going anywhere) but when he sees dss I think he realises they don't have a great time together even if they do do something nice as me and dd are not there to make it fun (dh is not the best at creating a fun environment). Take last week for example he took dss bowling, he was back in an hour, I said your quick - he said dss was bored asked to go home. If me and dd were there he would have been out for at least a few hours, in a way I think he sees taking dd as a way to keep his son entertained for a bit longer but I'm not prepared to let her be with dss without me there. IMHO you don't choose which family members you see and if dss doesn't want me there then they must accept ds won't be. We are not a step family so I don't expect my dd to have a life I'm not involved in. Unless I split from her dad xxxxx

quest12 Wed 05-Feb-14 00:07:25

Kaluki not kabuki sorry silly spell check xx

quest12 Sat 18-Oct-14 02:20:09

Update in thanks to ur advice xx

quest12 Sat 18-Oct-14 02:26:09

DSS will still not come here apparently he and his mum have discussed it and she feels it is best that he is not near me - didn't hear her saying this wen I was taking him on shopping trips or days out in school hols wen he was younger to save her childcare costs, anyway we went to Greece last summer DSS was asked to come but declined, he normally goes away with his mum and stepdad but didn't last year, on booking our hop for 2015 dh has said he is going to take DSS away on his own to make up for him missing our holiday last year. Aibu to say me and dd should be invited at least as DSS was to our holiday? My dh thinks aibu and him and DSS should be able to go away alone.

wheresthelight Sat 18-Oct-14 07:46:08

quest I have only just seen this thread but I have 1 question... why in gods name are you still with this twat??

I have a 1yo dd with dp and he has 2 older dcs who are here eow and one night a week. yesterday dss (11) smacked dd in the middle of a supermarket. I rounded on him and told him if I ever caught him doing it again i would knock him into next week (mummy bear instinct over took common sense). dss looked shocked and guilty and to dp for him to disney the situation. Dp told him he was never to touch dd like that again and if he did then he would be for the high jump.

you shouldn't have to be scared for your dd's welfare when she is with her father. and if you don't trust him to keep her safe then you need to get rid.

as for the holiday, tell him no unless he is prepared to take dd on her own separately

FunkyBoldRibena Sat 18-Oct-14 08:22:21

Quest, why are you still with this complete and utter cunt of a man?

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