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Finally cracked with Disney dad and his goody goody son

(189 Posts)
quest12 Tue 19-Feb-13 22:42:09

My husband and I have a dd aged 7 we also have his son my stepson over regularly, now since she was toddling around he has tormented her made her cry but been sly about it as in he does it when we're not in the room then denies it, so I turned detective an started leaving the room but listening in so I cud make sure what my dd was telling me was right, and it was - however if I tell him off he takes his sons side and results in a 3 way argument with dss eventually saying if I'm taking dds side then he's not coming down anymore so my hubby begs me to relent and I do to keep the peace.

However yesterday we were at the local swimming pool me and hubby taking turns to go in steam room, as I'm coming out and hubs is going in I seen him elbow her in the head on purpose - she screamed crying and he stood there laughing in her face, then he looked up seen me and said "we were playing catch and cause she couldn't catch the ball she's crying" now I've been calm for 6 years but I exploded calling him a liar and evil for laughing in her face, hubby seen this an came out took dss to one side then came back saying "we're going now you've just told him off for nothing and he's upset now" in the car on way to drop dss off I told him what I'd seen and dd told her dad what happened but he lied and hubby believes him.

I've told him I'm putting up with it no longer and he says I can't tell dss off as he will stop visiting, but to me the happiness and stability of my dd is most important. I think it's an extreme case of Disney dad and I've had enuf he now thinks he can do what he likes as his dad will always take his side. What can I do ban him from coming? Or leave my hubby?

Kenpal Tue 19-Feb-13 23:15:43

I have the same problem with my stepkids thinking they can rule the place when they are around and threaten dad with no contact if they don't get there own way, my dh is terrified they will stop coming and will do anything to please them I'm at the end of my tether too, hope some of the experienced step mums on here can give us some advice

notsoevilstepmum Wed 20-Feb-13 05:47:41

i know it seems extreme but why dont you order one of them video cameras you can hide like people do for nanny's to make sure they dont abuse your kids. put it in the living room and get some evidence your husband can hardly deny this is going on when confronted with it on video tape. your daughters saftey is the most important thing you shouldnt have to live like this just to appease his son who it sounds is very selfish and entitled anyway.

Xalla Wed 20-Feb-13 06:18:32

Is there a routine in place like eow? Or does your SS just come when he feels like it?

If there's a routine I'd simply say to your DH that you're not willing for your DD to be around your DSS until your DH cracks down on his behaviour. Hence for half of DSS's visits you'll vacate the family home (take your DD to see family / friends whatever) and for the other half of DSS's visits, you expect your DH and DSS to vacate the family home. Insist on it until your DH starts disciplining his child.

Personally I'd also tell your DSS YOURSELF that until he admits to and apologizes for his behaviour, you don't want to see him. I know some would advise against that but it sounds like you've been in his life for quite a while and he's a young adult so imo, he should be able to hear it. He's old enough to know what he's doing is wrong and understand that with actions come consequences.

Not so evil's idea of filming your DSS in action is a good one too. You shouldn't need to do it but you may have to.

Your DH should not be undermining you in favour of his son, it's totally unacceptable; you're the adults and you should present a united front for both kids when it comes to what you consider acceptable behaviour in the family home.

Do you think your DSS would really refuse to come if your DH cracked down? Could he call his bluff?

Petal02 Wed 20-Feb-13 14:39:07

I think Xalla makes an excellent suggestion: if your DH won't address the situation, you need to remove yourSelf and your daughter during access visits. However I really can't see your DH being prepared to spend 50% of each visit away from home (even though I think he should), he'd probably just bring DSS over to your house regardless. But sadly, it seems that absenting yourself/DD is the only option - and it's something you would have control over.

purpleroses Wed 20-Feb-13 16:18:32

Kids do poke and shove each other when they think no one's looking. That's really normal for siblings, and I do think you were out of order to shout at your DSS for it and call him evil. He sounds just like a lot of older brothers. My DSS has been known to do just the same with my DD (who's only a little younger, so a bit more able to look after herself) and your instinct as a mother is so much to want to protect your own child. But I do think it's normal. My DS and DD will have a go at each other too, as will younger DSS and DSD. And I've known all of them at times to hurt each other, then laugh about it, and lie when caught. It's not nice, and you do need to deal with it, but not by pathologising the child who's at fault.

But sounds like you and DH have ended up each siding with one child - and you no longer trust him to keep your DD safe. That's a bad situation to be in, and would agree with the posters above that you need to do something to put a stop to things as they are. A less drastic solution than leaving the house would be to not leave the two of them together in a room unless an adult is there. Tell them they must play separately in their bedrooms, unless they're joining you to do something. Could you encourage your DD to go to your DH directly when she's saying she's been hurt, so he can sort it out, and you're not caught in the middle, each defending one child?

quest12 Tue 26-Feb-13 19:37:38

Ha ha don't think I cud do the hidden camera thing mite be a bit big brotherish! My main problem is my hubby taking diss side whether he's right or not just to keep him happy, it's severe Disney dad behaviour, my dss knows he can do anything as dad will always back him up. Thanks for the replies xxxx

IrisGirl Thu 28-Feb-13 20:35:27

it is hard, i was in a similar situation myself with my two DSD' got to the stage where i was ready to leave my OH. it all came to a head one day and i told him exactly where i stood on things and that i was not having our DD (at the time was 18mnths) living in that kind of house.
i told him straight as the girls father, he can't always be the nice guy and you are showing your girls a lot more by being "tough" with them when needs be. if he let this behaviour continue then i didn't want to be around to see what kind of adults they became as at the time they thought they could say or do anything they wanted and dad would stick up for them!!! i told him a few harsh horrible things and although it very nearly split us up, it had the desired effect and he could see what i was saying and that i wasn't being mean.

few months on and although things are not perfect, they are 99% better and we are bonding as a family really well together

stick to your guns, you are your daughter's advocate, she needs you to stick up for her as her father isn't. stay strong and know that things will work themselves out x

quest12 Thu 07-Mar-13 22:08:12

sooooo we have nearly come to the weekend when dss should come down friday to sunday, his mum has rang and said that unless i apologize when he arrives he doesnt want to come down! so my dh asked me if i would and i told him no - i said that id put up with his behaviour and turned a blind eye to it because he didnt come down much, but for the sake of our dd she deserved to have someone stand up for her even if he wont!! hes gone into a sulk saying that finally ive got what i wanted - for dss to not visit and i should be proud of myself. ive tried to tell him this is not the case i just dont want our dd to feel picked on but everytime i try to explain he shouts blah blah blah over me and wont listen, then when i stop telling him he starts clapping saying youve got what you wanted!! am i wrong to think i shouldnt be made out to be the guilty party here?

JoyceDivision Thu 07-Mar-13 22:11:41

I'd tell him to fuck off with that sort of behaviour shock

quest12 Thu 07-Mar-13 22:17:57

thankyou joycedivision just what i was thinking but our daughter was awake earlier and i didnt want her to hear a slanging match now shes gone to bed hes asleep so i cant sort it!! once id put dd to bed i came down and checked my phone and there was a msg from him even tho he was only in bedroom saying that if i cudnt apologize and make his son come down he couldnt see a future for us! well hes asleep so i cant talk to him but my opinion is if thats the case and your willing to let our dd be treated like that then fuck off!!! am i right in thinking that if i apologize for my dh sake then my dss will think he can do what he wants and treat dd how he wants cause dad wont tell him off and im not allowed to!!!

Petal02 Thu 07-Mar-13 22:33:46

God, that's just ridiculous. I Agree with the poster who suggests you tell him to f**k off. If you back down on this one, then it's a very slippery slope. For what it's worth, there is no way in the world that I would have the ex and a step child insisting I apologised. And shame in your DH for putting you in this position. Your DSS is just playing power games, and your DH is too Disney to stand up to him. I'd be willing to bet a fair amount that if you stick to your guns it will all blow over. And if if doesn't - why should you put your little girl in a position where she's picked in by an older boy, with the blessing of her father???? Honestly, your DH needs to grow a pair - fast.

purpleroses Thu 07-Mar-13 22:43:12

He should tell his ex that you and he will sort it out. Absolutely not on for her to insist that an adult apologies to her son for something she didn't see and has nothing to do with. And your DP should not be letting her threaten to prevent contact for something that is not her business.

quest12 Thu 07-Mar-13 23:09:31

well as hes asleep and hasnt got the balls to stand up to his ex (long story but her eldest 2 daughters dont see there dad and he was witness to her poisoning their minds about him) ive rang her half an hour ago as i know dss will be in bed - i asked her what she thinks i should apologize for and she stated because he threw the ball and it hit (my dd) in the face then you shouted at him when it was only an accident, so very calmly i explained that, that was what dss told us but i had been at the side of the pool and saw what happened and knew he was lying, i also told her that i have been very tolerant of his behaviour for years as we didnt see him much but would not have my dd treated this way at the baths or in her own home. she replied that i was evil, her son is a gentle kind boy who would never do anything to hurt anyone and that our dd was exagerrating to get attention!!!! unfortunately it ended in a bit of a slanging match which i didnt want and will have to tell dh about in the morning. im sorry but my dd welfare is my upmost concern i cannot let her be bullied in her own house or when out with her mum and dad when she should feel safe. if my dh wont protect her then i will! xxxxxxxxxx thanks for all the replies and for taking the time to help xxxxxxx

Petal02 Fri 08-Mar-13 08:41:37

Quest - how are things this morning, are you OK?

flurp Fri 08-Mar-13 12:42:51

If anyone is evil it is this horrible spoilt little boy.
You are damn right not to apologise - think how unbearable he will be if you do. That is condoning everything he does and letting your poor DD down big time. Stick to your guns.
Your husband sounds as immature and bratty as his own son.

Branleuse Fri 08-Mar-13 12:51:02

its your partners fault, not the boy. Id tell him to fuck off

mumandboys123 Fri 08-Mar-13 19:44:25

how would you feel if someone called your child 'evil'?

flurp Sat 09-Mar-13 22:51:34

Nobody would call my children evil because I wouldn't allow them to get away with such behaviour! That is why they need discipline and boundaries - to stop this sort of thing!!
And the OP doesn't deserve to be called evil either!

Theydeserve Sat 09-Mar-13 23:09:09

He is being a normal sibling - you may not like it but have seen much worse.

I did much worse to my brother.

If my DCS step called them evil, I would probably call her evil and one helluva lot more.

You and your DP need to sit down and work out how you parent both your DCs and stick to it.

eskimofriends Sun 10-Mar-13 08:56:48

I hope you don't mind if I offer a view that is a little critical of the OP. It is not meant to be personal and is offered in good faith.
I am of the view that all behaviour is communication. We are all saying something in the way we behave. Your DSS is behaving the way he is because of how he feels about the situation he's in.
Try to see things from his point of view. Through no fault of his own, his parents are apart. He spends most of his time away from his dad - hard for any boy - but made even worse for him because he knows that your DD sees Dad all the time. Jealousy and anger are reasonable responses to that.
To make matters worse, from his perspective, when he does see his Dad he finds a far more judgmental and critical maternal figure than he is used to, who seems to always take his sister's side in any dispute. That must be confusing and irritating for him.
Of course your DD is your primary concern and deserves to be protected from bullying behaviour. But the situation can only improve if you are able to step back a little to understand why your DSS is behaving the way he is.
He doesn't sound evil - and forgive me, but that is a terrible thing to call a child, however provoked you feel. He sounds bewildered, angry and jealous. I think I would too in that situation.
I know that DSC can be manipulative and exasperating at time. But if you can understand why he feels the need to act in this way, you - as the adult - can begin to make changes in your house that don't involve threats to end your marriage or halting contact between father and son.

flurp Sun 10-Mar-13 09:01:31

Hold your horses...
The OP never called the boy evil.
The boys mum called the OP evil for refusing to apologise.
I said if anyone is evil it's the OPs DSS and I apologise for that - he obviously isn't evil but his behaviour is bullying a smaller child and shouldn't be allowed to continue!

eskimofriends Sun 10-Mar-13 09:07:29

The OP said she exploded and called her DSS a liar and evil.

TolliverGroat Sun 10-Mar-13 09:08:13

OP did call the boy evil: " I exploded calling him a liar and evil for laughing in her face"

Uppermid Sun 10-Mar-13 09:13:12

Your dh obviously won't listen to you, how about writing him a letter.

You could tell him you're pleased that he wants to continue seeing his son and you'd like to encourage that, you would like your dd to have a good relationship with her half brother but that is not happening and you won't have your dd (and his dd lets not forget) bullied.

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