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Bonding with dsd?

(6 Posts)
Makingthemostofit Sun 17-Feb-13 17:15:30

I'm a relatively normal person, have been teaching mostly teen girls for over 20 years, have ds, teen, and dsd and dss since a few years now. My relationship to own teen ds is fine, line of communication open when trouble strikes etc. Bond to ds, preteen, is fine too, we are very fond of each other and again, no problem communicating. My constant source of anxiety is my dsd, soon 16. Although we have come a long way from open hostility to relatively polite conversation, she will not allow a normal flow of communication to happen. I really have to catch her unawares to see the real "her" behind a facade of make up and serious pretentiousness. I know her solidarity to her somewhat disturbed mother causes her problems to relate to me, never OW btw, but as I am currently doing serious work on my own issues, creating healthy boundaries etc, does anyone have perhaps a mantra to see dsd more positively? Thanks

Laughslikeadrain Tue 19-Feb-13 09:23:46

What does your dh, her dad, do to help situation? Is he supportive? Are you a team?

theredhen Tue 19-Feb-13 09:30:47

If her mum is hostile towards you, dsd is highly likely to have conflicting and difficult emotions to deal with around you. It's not her fault but neither is it yours!

I have read that the harder you try in a situation like this, the more hostility you will come across and the more resentful you will feel.

Maybe you should accept that dsd doesn't want to have a good relationship with you but you also need to accept that it isn't your fault.

She's a teenager and her views and opinions might change as she gets older.

You know you can relate to your own children and the teens you deal with at work.

Take a step back, try and see her positive side even if that doesn't seem to affect you And let her get on with it. Do keep up your healthy boundaries though and don't let her be nasty to you. If she doesn't want to talk, then just ignore and get on with your day.

Makingthemostofit Tue 19-Feb-13 16:26:52

Tbh, I'm actually a bit scared she might want to move in and at this moment I'd rather say no. Dss is moving in shortly 50:50 and i never had any reservations there at all. The trouble is while dss was treated a bit like afterbirth and so feels no qualms in changing allegiance a bit, dsd is the star in her family and indulged by all and sundry to almost pathological levels. I have no wish to join her entourage, but am already thinking of ways to make the remote possibility of her living here more palatable. I'm keenly aware of how unjust I sound because I was nearly the baby no one wanted when my mum nearly died. I sincerely want to bond with dsd, but am clueless as she only responds to excessive fawning. I kid you not.

Eliza22 Thu 21-Feb-13 18:28:30

Maybe, as others have said, you should step back. It may be that at present, she can't deal with "you". Not actually you but this other (important) person in her day's life. My youngest SD didn't want anyone else (me and my son, who was 4 when I met my now DH) in her dad's life. He's a great dad who does a lot with his kids and is 100% there, for them. He loves them, absolutely. What my youngest disliked was any (and I do mean any) positive attention, given to me or ds. I was never the OW. It was dh's ex's affair, that ended their long marriage and I came along years later but even so, I was tolerated as a girlfriend and intensely disliked, no matter how hard I tried, once we were married (and permanent). We haven't seen youngest SD (19) for nearly two years, so strongly does she object. I adore her elder sister dsd (24) and dss (22) and its a p,erasure when they come to us.

However, I have given up with the youngest who even on the odd occasion I've spoken to her (since she decided she wanted nothing to do with us) has ignored me and my son to the extent that when DH and I stood side by side, shed only say hello to him.

I have no intention of welcoming her into my life, again.

mattysmum09 Wed 27-Feb-13 21:40:31

Well its no wonder step mothers get the wicked step mother nick name wen they have to deal with jealous step daughters! Where's the wicked step mother thread gone....? I thoroughly enjoyed that:-)

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