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How can we convince her to let SD come to our house without legal action?

(35 Posts)
WickedStepMonster Fri 01-Feb-13 13:58:38

I've posted about something similar before, my BF has a 4yo daughter and his ex is refusing to let her come to our house. It looks like legal action is inevitable but I was wondering, if you were in her shoes, what would it take for you to accept the situation and let her visit and stop over? Is it just going to take time and hoping she realises it's what's best for their daughter? Or would things like photos of the house and her bedroom, a letter, books she can read to her about the fact they're not together any more, would these things help or make it worse?

She was almost coming round but then she found that I had been there on one of BFs access days and she threatened to stop access all together.

I know there's nothing I can do, I'm just trying to be supportive to BF, but I'd like to be able to offer him some ideas for easing the tension.

NothingIsAsBadAsItSeems Tue 05-Feb-13 16:33:01

Could cause unnecessary emotional distress to the child though. I'm not saying there is a right or wrong way to go about gaining more access but surely having a half decent relationship with the childs mother goes a long way?

Petal02 Tue 05-Feb-13 16:42:09

But there’s nothing in the original post to indicate that the child is suffering emotional distress. And besides, it would be a very easy/cheap shot on the ex’s part to insist that the child would be upset by access. I absolutely agree that a positive working relationship between the parents would be a benefit, but where that doesn’t exist, why should the father (and his new partner) be the ones to give in all the time? You hear about so many non-resident fathers who go to ridiculous length to “avoid rocking the boat” just in case the ex withdraws access. My DH would, at one time, have painted himself green and stood on one leg if it kept Madam the ex happy. Madness.

WickedStepMonster Tue 05-Feb-13 17:07:26

The ex had agreed to start allowing SD to visit BFs (our) house with a view to eventually allowing stop-overs (she even said it had to be in her own time as she needed to come to terms with it) but since she found out I had been with them on one of his access days she has threatened to stop access altogether and started divorce proceedings. These are not the actions of a parent who cares for their child's emotional wellbeing they are the actions of someone who is hurt and angry and using their child as punishment.

We still don't know if she realises we live together but it will all come out in the mediation process, I just hope it doesn't send her over the edge.

NothingIsAsBadAsItSeems Tue 05-Feb-13 17:40:11

she even said it had to be in her own time as she needed to come to terms with it

If she's still coming to terms with it how long ago did they split? I'm guessing she still thought they had a chance at working it out until she found out you were living together, which is why she's filing for divorce?

Do you still have his dc for daytime contact and is it possible to re-work the phasing plan to take into account you living there? Or is there no other choice but to go to court?

dignifiedsilence Tue 05-Feb-13 18:16:38

I'm going through the same thing wicked. I consider myself reasonable and balanced but these situations can bring out the worst in people. IMHO its in everyones best interest that a relationship with the child and their father is pro actively encouraged even by the childs mother irrespective of why their relationship ended. These kids will grow up one day and decide for themselves whether dad made a good decision or not.
Having 2 stable homes...1 at mums 1 at dads is surely an advantage? Absent parents looking after children and taking them somewhere and introducing them to different people is an exercise in parental responsibility. I do not believe it is up to either parent to dictate how their time is spent with the child.(Just to say this is where there are no genuine concerns of abuse.)
I wouldn't meet my OH ex if you paid me lol. I would of at the beginning had she not started this major hate campaign against me and my children for no other reason than I was with her childs father! If preventing her child from having a relationship with me is a good parent then I must be doing something wrong LOL

Mediation is definitely a good start but be prepared to go to court at least then your partner can say he has tried to fight for access. Although to me he shouldn't have to fight to be a father full stop.

I agree with Petal sour grapes is not a valid reason at all.

dignifiedsilence Tue 05-Feb-13 18:19:28

Just to add I wasn't the other woman they'd been apart 4 years

Xalla Tue 05-Feb-13 19:44:11

If the child doesn't settle well with her Dad it's because he isn't getting overnight contact! A lot of the 'caring' for very young children takes place at night which is why it's so important that BOTH parents get regular overnight contact! Definitely not a good reason to withold contact - more an impetus for it to take place if you ask me....

dignifiedsilence Tue 05-Feb-13 19:46:26

Well said Xalla xx

Dahlen Tue 05-Feb-13 19:52:24

I don't understand your BF's behaviour in all this. If things have deteriorated to this extent already, he really doesn't have anything to lose by adopting a full and honest disclosure policy. Not wanting to rock the boat is a bit of a cop out. It makes him sound really passive and not like a good dad TBH. Wild horses wouldn't stop me doing whatever it took if it was me in his situation. You seem to be making more effort than he is (which means you'll probably make a great step mum smile).

The timescale involved here is really important. If it's relatively recently, patience and understanding will go a long way. If it's several years down the line then getting serious and using the courts is the only way you will resolve this. How long has it been since they split?

WickedStepMonster Tue 05-Feb-13 21:42:08

Thanks Dahlen, I hope so.

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