One to one time with biological kids(14 Posts)
How often do you have it? What do you do? Tips please!
What's the routine with your SC? Have you got them full / part time?
We have my DSD7 50% of the time - she's with us every Wed and Thurs and EoW.
I rarely do stuff with my BK on the weekends when DSD's here - we tend to do more whole family stuff.
I don't appreciate my DH doing his own thing on the weekends DSD is here so on the weekends she's not, he'll often go and so something sporty hence I'm left alone with our 2 BK which is fine with me. This weekend we didn't have DSD so he went out all Saturday and I took our kids to lunch party some friends were having.
I've already said, we have DSD each Wednesday. My DS has an after school activity on Wednesdays. I used to take DSD with me but that proved impossible - she didn't like that my DS was doing something she wasn't so did everything she could to disrupt it. The solution was to put her into after-school club so I could take DS on my own and my DH could pick up DSD from school once he'd finished work. I pay for her after-school club myself as it was important to me that DS carried on with his activity. DSD fortunately loves after-school club and is quite content with the situation.
I think it's about being flexible and having a well thought out routine in place. I'm lucky in that all of ours are still quite young (7, 4 and 2) so we religiously put them to bed by 7.30 / 8pm hence we get a few hours 'adult time' each evening too. Also they don't question the routine much at the moment. I don't know what we'll do when they get older...!
We have kids 24/7 so I need to build in some time for my ds to spend with just me so he doesn't feel resentful thats he's lost me as otherwise I'm never on my own :/
Oh that's much harder then... How old's your DS? Can you escape to a certain activity with just him? Or book some weekends away to see family / friends 'just the two of you'?
He's 10. My partner wants us to be a big family, which I do too, so I don't want us to be too separate iyswim, but i also see the importance of my ds having time with just me so as to kerb any jealousy/resentment. He hasn't really any hobbies or sports so i can't escape with him to those. Obviously i don't want him to be seen getting treats without the others either so i'm a but stuck. He sees his dad at a weekend for a few hours so am wondering instead of his dad picking him up i take him there, but go earlier so we can have time at a park on our own, but the weather bothers me! My ds is a homebird so ideally if i could encourage my partner to take his out walking or something for a few hours that would be good, only they would rather be with me!
Also ideally i'd like to give him 10 mis a day of my time too somehow, without the others tagging on, i think the only way to do that is too shut ourselves in his room!
We have the DSC every weekend, though not in the week. It is hard to get any quality time with my own DCs, (13 and 9) and I also like to try and give them a bit of one to one time, which I think is good for all kids, even if they aren't living in a blended family. Sometimes I take one or both of mine out on shopping trips to buy clothes or shoes (and then also take in a café or something). But that might not work so well for you if you're also the person who buys the DSC clothes.
I think your idea of doing the driving with your DS over to his dad's is a good one. Let him sit in the front of the car and you'll have a bit of a chance for a catch up even just driving there. If it's too cold for the park, you could always buy him a hot chocolate or something in a café. That's one of my DS's favourite treats.
But you're right, you'd find it much easier to spend quality time with him if your DP did the same with the DSC. How many of them are there? If there's more than one, you could suggest he does some one to one too with one of them whilst you look after other(s) at home, so that doing things in different configurations becomes a bit more the norm? I sometimes shut myself in DS's room to look at his school work and homework, which gives him a bit of one to one time. But guess if yours are there 24-7 then the DSC would be just as in need of this from either you or their dad.
I'm also planning a few days away this summer with just my two - doing outdoorsy things that DSC are not so into. I do think it's OK to do that. Doesn't mean I don't want to live in the extended household the rest of the time. Thankfully DP understands this.
If your DS is a homebody, could the SC do an activity together at the weekends meaning they were out of the house for a couple of hours? My DSD does something for 3 hours each Saturday - quite I often I drop her off and then take one of mine shopping / out for lunch while she's there. It avoids the jealousy issue because she's doing something she wants to at the same time. Or DH takes her and I stay at home with my two.
My DH is a bit of a homebody and reluctant to take DSD out on his own preferring to all stay home together but I know what you mean - that can get a bit claustrophobic and crowded at times!
You can have one to one time with your own DS and still be a happy family!! Time with your child is a right bit a privilege whatever your family situation!
I think your DH needs to take his kids off more often and leave you and DS to do your own thing.
Don't be scared to tell them that you and DS are having time together - they will accept it.
Thanks, I think I will suggest they go walking on a sun morning and i can have a roast ready for when they get back! There are 3 dss, 5-13 age, they are far more boisterous than mine and need the exercise plus they enjoy it so does my partner whereas my ds and i don't. So that could work, as long as the weather is dry! If not I don't know :/
I can honestly say that I don't really get any alone time with my 5dc away from my dsc. In the 3 yrs since my dss came to live with us I've had 2 solid weeks in total with my kids on my own. It's so hard and I miss them all to myself I've just had a few tears actually as my eldest is 15 this year and I feel like times running out!
I actually think it's important that the children (all of them) get some one on one time with their parent. You may need to help facilitate this for your DH in return, so that he can see each of his children on their own too.
It could be half an hour reading before bed, it could be a walk to the shops. It doesn't have to happen every day, or every week even.
I also think it helps to actually explain what you're doing. I've told my DSs and my DSSs that sometimes it's important for them and us to spend time one on one. They might not get it at first, but they will. I find it's often the only time that anything that's troubling any of them comes out. It isn't likely to if you're all in the same room all the time. No-one can speak privately.
Sadsong your post makes me realise how precious my time with my own dc is and how I am right to insist on us doing things on our own.
My dc have a great relationship with the sdc and DP but they have both said how they still like it when it's "just us". For example at the weekend I took them up to visit DD1 where she is at uni. We all went for lunch and did a bit of shopping. It was fab. DP and his two spent the day in front of the tv. Everybody was happy!
OP put your foot down and insist on it!
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