time alone(6 Posts)
Please don't shoot me down in flames here, had a very tough day arguing with dh and now questioning myself as a stepmum lots!
I love having my stepdaughter, my dh and i have 3 days off a week of which we have her 2 of them. She is a lovely little girl and when we have her I completely share responsibility for her, doing all the usual 'mum' stuff I do for the little girl we have together. However i do really value the 1 day a week my dc and I get together with our daughter to share and enjoy our little family.
dh's ex had just told us that her work shifts will be changing and she will be working the opposite weekend to us (we work every other). Dh informed me that he has no choice but to have her all weekend (meaning we work one weekend and have stepdaughter for the other), plus he wants to retain the day he has her during the week, meaning we have no days without her. i told him that I wasn't entirely happy with this and now I'm the worst stepmother in the world and all I've done for the last few years has been forgotten. When i work on a weekend my dc goes to my mums, I suggested that she could do the same for one of the days and he acts like I hate her. I know i will prob end up backing down on this issue as I don't want him to think i'm not supportive, but sometimes I just feel like screaming...am I horrible?!
I don't think you're horrible. But I do think you're asking your partner to see less of his child because you'd prefer...what? not having her around? can you try and see it from his point of view?
The problem is when you don't see your children as often as you might, you want to make the most of the time you do have. Is a compromise that she goes to see grandma for a few hours once a month, perhaps?
I can see where you are coming from but I think it is the type of thing you can think but not say out loud. It is your DH's DD and asking him to see less of her in favour of the other DCs is not on.
I am sure you are not horrible but I think you have to put the kids needs before your own.
Sorry, but I agree with the other posters, if you step back and think about what you're asking him to do.
I really do see where you are coming from - both DH and I work FT and have DSC every weekend as court ordered contact. I often feel a bit drained and sometimes a bit fed up as their mom works for a few hours a day when they are at school and then has every weekend free. Any holiday time we book off from work we also have the DSC. We have no children together (have DS who lives with us but does see his dad EOW at the moment) but none of the benefits of it.
It is very hard at times especially when children are young and you are working and generally a bit knackered but I agree that you can not really expect him not to want his child there.
Are there bedtimes in place so that the two of you get time together on your own? It should be about the two of you and the children and his child is always going to be as important to him as your child.
Things will change though and contact changes along with them, trying to breathe through the changes and accepting that whilst things may be about to get a bit tough but won't always be that way helps.
Also think why it is that it really bothers you to change the arrangements - is it in fact because you feel that all you are doing at the moment is working and looking after children and actually you need a break? How hands on is your DH? You say your DC goes to you mom's when you work a weekend - is your DH working at the same time? If you are the one running around after the kids when they are there then maybe it is easy to accept changes because it will not impact on him as much IYSWIM?
You're not terrible at all. I think it's an entirely natural and normal feeling. When DSD announced she was moving in meaning I would never get anytime without DSC and time with just DS, I was very unhappy.
I think it feels like a "need" rather than a want doesn't it?
However, I do think asking DP to have his DD less is unreasonable. The way round it is to get DP to have some lovely quality time with his DD and go out and leave you in peace for a few hours or for you and your DC to go out and leave them at home. It's not as "easy" as having DSD go to her Mums but it is a compromise and a way of getting some time without DSD. You do need to do that so you don't become resentful, it's just a case of working out the logistics.
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