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Anyone suspected the DH ex exaggerates DSC health condition for attention?

(111 Posts)
dignifiedsilence Wed 16-Jan-13 18:10:30

Please see my other post re past experience.
I feel bad even thinking this but this but its 1 big drama when this child is ill on her mothers part. There's always 'bits' added on about when she is ill and 'how ill' she is. She has a headache and is rushed to the doctor. She has difficulty breathing, put on oxygen, chest xray clear but doctors sent her home because she lives so close to the hospital (really? if she was that ill would they let her home?) She's not disabled nor special needs but is dealt with like she has a terminal illness by her mother. Sounds harsh but I'm sure I'm not alone in this.
Anyone else want to share?

dignifiedsilence Mon 21-Jan-13 09:21:37

When you live in this type of situation you know how frustrating it can be so thanks to others for support smile xx

dignifiedsilence Mon 21-Jan-13 09:14:48

Whoa this is way out of hand I am telling it like it is and its well noted through all my OH's family and friends how insane his ex is. This womans older children have attempted to bully my daughter. WHY would they do that huh? They go out of their way to get on the same bus as her and purposely sit next to her, get their friends to try and befriend her friends!! Its pathetic and childish and I wanted to hear others experiences. I wasn't the cause of their break up OVER 5 YEARS AGO and neither are my children. SO YES vent I shall!! the woman is vile and I haven't reacted. I consider this an adult way to deal with it.
Bear this in mind I have a good relationship with his older 2 girls because they have a different mum!! I don't tread on her toes and she doesn't tread on mine. 1 of them is ill and I'm around I take them to the doctors and she's more than happy with that. To me thats how it should be, not this diabolical drama that has NOT been created by me.

Oh and the other kids she has don't see their dads either for similar reasons....they wouldn't dump their new families so she blocked access....THAT says it ALL

NotaDisneyMum Mon 21-Jan-13 07:18:36

theydeserve All situations are different, which is where the problem lies - my DPs ex, for instance, demanded for months that DP removed all trace of the DCs from his home between visits, and insisted that they pack suitcases for contact visits.

The very thing that you find unacceptable from your ex, she expects from DP. Your ex would be able to successfully co-parent with someone like my DPs ex, because they share similar values regarding that issue smile

Theydeserve Sun 20-Jan-13 23:37:13

Problem is the stepparent rarely knows the EXP.

They have a distorted view from DP, hardly makes for a fair judgement.

I am of course a horrendous ExP, because I packed and then left at the front door the bag of clothes, toothbrushes etc for a 2 day stay with their father. That I was stressed as parent had just died was ignored and a vitriolic little diatribe of text messages ensued.For the first time in a year, EXP and his new DP bought some undies , 2 T shirts and 5 pairs of socks for them - whoopee. However, did they stay at their house, no all sent back to me - they are not allowed to leave any trace of their existence in the new life.

Forgot to say I get no maintenance.

voddiekeepsmesane Sun 20-Jan-13 19:05:32

MeaninglessStrife it IS another whole thread your bitterness (rightfully so) should not taint all OW/SM's with what your experience is though all respect to you.

We had the opposite to OP. DSS's mum didn't give a shit about what dss was eating or drinking as a child (no where near enough fruit or veg, 2 litres of coke a day!) now at 18 has major self confidence issues over rotting teeth ( not to mention the agony) She didn't give a shit that he suffered greatly from severe hay fever in the spring/summer. Wanted his hair long but didn't wash/check enough for nits so he constantly had them.

When I came along when dss was 6 (NOT THE OW) and tried to take dss to the dentist for teeth/ doctors for hayfever and manage nits was told to fuck off. DP had tried all these things as well many times but because he was NRP he had no power unless she agreed and she DIDN'T EVER!

Even though DP up until he was made redundant and at the same time lost his sight in 2009 he paid over half his wage to his ex.

As soon as dss turned 18 and left school he was promptly kicked out of home as he wasn't bring in any money (no benefits and while trying to find a job nothing around his mums)

He came to live with us, he has registered with our dentist and is slowly getting his teeth fixed. He registered with our doctors and is now medicated for hayfever in the spring/summer. He is now allowed to do what HE wants with his hair. He is now with our help working PT.

If only his now alcoholic mother would stop calling DP abusing him down the phone and texting dss that she does not want him at HER house, and realise that while dss will always be her child that he is NOT a child anymore at almost 19 and she keeps pushing him away.

So while we have had the opposite from the OP I can totally accept the opposite extreme can and does happen.

LtEveDallas Sun 20-Jan-13 19:02:56

Thirded. DH was pretty broken when I met him. That's not good for ANYONE.

SparkleSoiree Sun 20-Jan-13 18:50:33

notadisneymum I feel exactly the same about my DH having to endured what he did.. I would have done anything to prevent him experiencing it.

SparkleSoiree Sun 20-Jan-13 18:49:36

fogclearing your posts are dripping with sarcasm and bitterness.

NotaDisneyMum Sun 20-Jan-13 18:48:19

You are kidding me, fog! Second wives should be grateful that their DHs first wives no longer wanted them - I've heard it all now blush

I would do anything to have prevented my DP from going through the pain and loss of his marriage breakdown - I'm not grateful to his exW for her behaviour that led to the end of their marriage, he is scarred for life, their DCs have suffered and their extended family have suffered to. Why on earth should I be grateful to the woman who caused my DP so much pain?

LtEveDallas Sun 20-Jan-13 18:47:02

Eww 'gifting' him to me? Wow, just wow. Could you be any more stepford if you tried?

LtEveDallas Sun 20-Jan-13 18:45:44

But is it too much to expect posters NOT to automatically assume the worst? Instead of the sarcasm in your first post, would it have killed you to ask "why couldn't you have a room for DSD/DSDs things?" then I could have explained. Just because I am a stepmother it does not make me the devil incarnate. Neither does it make DH an evil father who abandoned his child.

(As it happens I was responding to Petal in my first post, and she DOES know that I am in the Army, she does know my history, so I don't need to explain the backstory to her)

FogClearing Sun 20-Jan-13 18:42:43

Dallas you ask why I didn't take you at face value, answer, your posts sound bitter.

If the exw didn't change her mind as adults we are allowed about being an army wife you wouldn't be with your army man, I would have tought you would be gratefull to her for gifting him to you her loss and so on.

As for maintenance and houses, I am sure there is some later revealed injustice you will trump with, at present it sounds like solicitors advised the parents to split finances as they have in best interests of the children.

FogClearing Sun 20-Jan-13 18:35:55

If you don't put additional info in your first post, it is unreasonable to expect magical thinking and mind reading from other posters expecting them to know what you later reveal.

LtEveDallas Sun 20-Jan-13 18:23:37


I am sadly not a mindreader Dallas, I can't be expected to know a nrp expects his children to sleep in a single room with his lover during contact, in a shared house

So why automatically think the worst? Why not take what I said at face value?
Why not think outside your own prejudices for once. You look very silly when you don't.

It was a Sergeants Mess actually. I had my own room. My DHs had his own room. All facilities were shared - one shower room/bath/toilet between 4 rooms. When DSD came up I would move into DHs horrible 'single bloke' room and he and DSD would have my 'homely' room. The other men in the Mess would know she was staying and would not use that bathroom block.

I would expect someone who chooses to live so far away frim their children and who can afford holidays abroad to have at least a two bed home to enjoy contact wirh their children

DSDs mum was the one that moved actually. It was one of the reasons their marriage broke up. She was no longer willing to be an 'Army Wife' or to support the man she married in his career.

I would have personally in your bf's situation focused finances on a suitable home and providing basic needs for my children over holidays abroad and expect the other child to shop for the holiday clothes

DH bought DSDs mums house, and paid the mortgage. He couldn't afford to buy one for himself too. £2k a year on a holiday vs £500 a month on a mortgage. Oh and Child Support of course. Expecting her mum to buy adequate clothing for her child, and send that clothing with her was hardly asking for the moon.

FogClearing Sun 20-Jan-13 18:07:29

other parent to shop...

FogClearing Sun 20-Jan-13 18:06:50

I am sadly not a mindreader Dallas, I can't be expected to know a nrp expects his children to sleep in a single room with his lover during contact, in a shared house.

I would expect someone who chooses to live so far away frim their children and who can afford holidays abroad to have at least a two bed home to enjoy contact wirh their children.

I would have personally in your bf's situation focused finances on a suitable home and providing basic needs for my children over holidays abroad and expect the other child to shop for the holiday clothes.

LtEveDallas Sun 20-Jan-13 16:54:16

Oh and we didn't resent clothing their stepkids and expect the Mother to do it all

We resented DSDs mum using her daughter as a pawn in a battle that neither of us wanted to fight.

LtEveDallas Sun 20-Jan-13 16:41:22


Wonderfully sarcastic, well done you!

Actually as both DH (then DP) and I lived in a room, with shared facilities, we found it hard enough having space for our own clothes/kit, let alone DSDs as well smile.

DSDs mum was given more than enough cash (as she deserved) to be able to clothe DSD adequately, neither of us (and remember I was only the girlfriend then) had room for a wardrobe for DSD. As for the holiday, well after driving 4 hours to collect her, and 2 hours back to the airport, funnily enough there wasnt time to buy her a bikini as well! (whereas having to go shopping the first day of every UK holiday was deemed acceptable).

Waitingforastartofall Sun 20-Jan-13 16:38:29

My sc go between our two houses, they have different things at those houses the only thing that travels between is bookbags for school. It would be a nightmare hauling things between the two houses each week things would be constantly forgot and had to go back for and as well i enjoy going out shopping for clothes/shoes for sc as much as i do ds. Csa may suggest that clothes and other things travel between but i wouldnt ever want to do that.

saladcreamwitheverything Sun 20-Jan-13 16:32:55

meaningless I'm commenting on the original OP. Why did you not mention the DV on your first comment? OBVIOUSLY if your ExP has "beaten the shit out of your DD" then that is very wrong. I would have moved countries if that had happened to my DS.

NotaDisneyMum Sun 20-Jan-13 16:31:28

fog I agree with you - a DC should have two homes where they have space, belongings, clothing etc - they shouldn't pack for a visit to their NRP.

Unfortunately, the CSA advises differently and places responsibility for clothing etc on the RP who is financially responsible.

NotaDisneyMum Sun 20-Jan-13 16:24:10

meaningless - not all men, or their partners, behave the way your ex has done.
I'm sure you don't believe that right now - it must be very hard for you not to see the worst in everyone.

FogClearing Sun 20-Jan-13 16:23:04

I don't send a toothbrush to my Kids GM when they stay overnight, she has a toothbrush there for them.

We had a snow refugge this weekend, they were given a new toothbrush from our supplies.

I am amazed that people on here resent clothing their stepkids and expect the Mother to do it all.

Wow, fancy having two weeks contact and not having adequate clothing for the child. Luckly the Mum didn't call ss on you for neglect of the childs basic needs.

MeaninglessStrife Sun 20-Jan-13 16:17:14

It's not a whole other thread at all Salad. OW is every bit as vile about me as the OP is about the mother of her partners children. For all we know, OPs partner may be an aggressive, abusive bully as well. As could ANY of the 'D' Ps and 'D' hs on this thread.

NotaDisneyMum Sun 20-Jan-13 16:15:50

Meaningless - I'm not sure how your experience in any way relates to the OP?

Your violent exP failed to care for your DCs, and left them with untreated injuries. He also ruined clothing you sent with your DCs.

It's all terrible - but not relevant to this thread, iyswim? Just because you've had that experience doesn't mean that the OP is any less justified feeling the way she does in her own situation that is very different to your own!

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