Why his ex acts so childishly? Help please I'm new

[dignifiedsilence]

i am new here and would like some opinions please? :) I have been with my fiance for a year, he has 2 teenagers from his 1st marriage (all ok with me on that score) and also has a 4yr old from a brief relationship created on the rebound from his marriage. From day 1 he told me the 4yr olds mother had been a nightmare ie crossing boundaries in other relationships, causing trouble and basically making it hard for him to have regular contact with his child. I should point out there is more than enough evidence to suggest she had this child to entrap him but hey it takes 2 to tango. They never lived together and this relationship was over just before she announced the pregnancy. Throughout last 4 years she has done some really nasty things like accusing his kids of stealing from her, sending videos of the child crying because her daddy isn't there....the list goes on!!
Anyway I didn't have any issues with this woman but was told she was dangerous and her family were almighty powerful and that I should basically take whatever they throw at us as a couple...............ERM NO CHANCE!!
Sooo we'd been together about a month and she was avoiding him having contact by saying the child was ill every week. Then out pops this solicitors letter saying that he can have the child but not with me there.....fair enough was a bit soon for everyone so we went along with it. I pushed him into solicitors to protect himself and his rights and then at least its done properly. This way the child is protected too! So a couple of months later she asks him to babysit overnight he says yes but tells her I will be there and my kids. Thats fine by her and all goes well. The same happens the following weekend and all goes well. The week after she ask for overnight again and we can't do it due to other commitments so he says he'll have her during the day as usual but thats a no go as she wants him to have her overnight. So once again he goes a fortnight with no contact. Anyway the Saturday comes again she's with us all day has a great time and does not want to go home. He basically carried her out of the door under duress but she was also tired so that could be it too. 2 days later we get wind that the mother has posted on a social networking site that the kid went home with a burn on her and how her dad has something to hide!!
I told him he should start sticking up for himself as I am not tolerating that from no one!! He went to a solicitor and they sent her a letter but she had also been and said that no one should have anymore contact with the child except him! This intimates to me that myself, his other children or my child have injured her. So thats how its been he has child on his own and I'm happy with that. She has also said that he is putting his relationship before his child and that I have been abusing her and her kids over the internet......All totally false!! He's currently in mediation trying to sort this out but she keeps making stupid excuses why his new family can't be involved. I would just like to point out that I am more than willing to call in the relevant authorities including the police if that child is injured, if only to clear my name and this is what I will do if there is a next time. Just some more info whilst all this is going on her teenage children have been attempting to harass my kids over the internet, my car has been keyed, wipers broken, she walks past my house and my partners every day........and on and on and on.
What I suppose I am asking is how the hell does anyone see this panning out? I won't hesitate to contact authorities if any such allegations are made again but I don't want to put someone elses kids through it!! I have no intentions of parenting that child whatsoever, she's not mine, she is my partners child and thats that. Most of the time I have to remind myself that the only person missing out is the child because she will feel excluded from her dads family but I am more than convinced the ex will drag this out for years!! Anyone been in a similar situation?
And thanks for reading

[ihearsounds]

Seek legal advice about her harassment. Keep a log of all incidences involving your children etc.. The wipers and car could be coincedence, but you could install cctv?

[dignifiedsilence]

I did not report the 1st lot of damage to my car but have the last 2. It only happens outside his house near to where she lives but have told the police I think its her because they asked who it might be. I think by me not reacting to her personally is the best thing. if I did it wouldn't be pleasant as I find myself hating someone I don't know and if I did she could then play the victim and make things worse. :(

[bearymerrychristmas]

I agree with ihearsounds keep a log of everything that she does to and about you. Your fiance needs to keep a log of every time he has his DD, every time she refuses the contact and every time she asks him to babysit knowing that you are there and then the next week decides she can't come because you are there.

Report anything criminal (including harassment, abusive behavior etc) to the police so there is a record of it all.

[dignifiedsilence]

Thank you beary :) some fab ideas. She is sooo calculating its unbelievable! All things are quiet for now as he has the child on his own (she's getting her own way). He's due another mediation session next month and will be pushing for normality then. I just don't understand the woman at all. My daughter has a great step mum, in fact I feel more comfortable that she has a stable female influence there. She initiates more activities and fun stuff to do than her dad did when he was single. she never steps on my toes and never tries to interfere at all! I feel the same about step parenting, they're not my kids but on the same hand I don't exclude them either. I think her actions scream out JEALOUSY!! In my mind I think ALL this over a bloke?? LOL get a grip and move on its been 5 years FFS
I will keep you posted

[ohyikes]

How ridiculous she is. Just don't give her the time of day because thats what she wants. Seems like she's trying really hard to get a reaction from you. Dont even let it bother you. You know who you are and you know you wouldnt harm a child whether yours or not and so does your partner. Her opinion is irrelevant.

My fiances ex also displayed some bazaar behaviour when him and I got together. She would turn up at our house unannounced, blasting music from her car, banging on the door when she could easily ring the door bell, constantly texting all hours of the day and this woman is in her 40's and i'm in my 20's. Not to mention she's the one that cheated and left. I never paid any attention to her. Never confronted her and always rejected her pretentious invites to her "I wanna meet my exs new partner so I can interrogate her" lunches.

Oh and preventing contact with the kids, oldest trick in the book. Whenever she threatened that he wouldnt see them, I told him to let it be Instead of fight over them with her. And when he let it be, she would be the one calling and asking him to pick them up coz being a single mom of three takes a toll on an individual if you dont have time alone to unwind. How else was she going to date if she couldnt go out? lol. Lesson learnt. She doesnt dare use the kids against him anymore.

Just ignore her and dont let her get to you too much. At the end of the day, you are the one sleeping next to him so let her choke on that.

[dignifiedsilence]

Thank you for the support oh yikes :) I am still not reacting as you are right she is trying to get a reaction. I've been completely lambasted on another thread over the things I've said about her as I came on here to say it rather than to her face. Its so frustrating being made a victim by someone who doesn't even know you and so hard not being able to defend yourself.

[ladydeedy]

ohyikes speaks a great deal of sense - bravo! Do exactly as she says. This woman is jealous, bitter, sad and needs to get a life. She is obviously trying to create a situation where she gets a reaction and some attention. Just dont give her that opportunity. The more you and other half ignore her the more she will realise it's not getting her anywhere.... Then she'll turn her attention seeking behaviour elsewhere (that's been our experience too).
Good luck! In time she will tire of it!

[dignifiedsilence]

thank you ladydeedy you are so right xx
There has been some developments......latest mediation session they both started shouting so they had to be separated she then decides he can have contact together but we have to have her the whole weekend!! This just says to me she does not have this childs interests at heart at all. My DP agrees to this but I think its too much too soon. If her DC is so precious why is she willing to send her to a house full of strangers for the whole weekend EVERY weekend?
I think it is just going to give her more ammo to make up cr** but little does she know I will not be there until the evening of the 1st night (my decision as its a little bit too soon to be jumping in).
To be honest I'm dreading it but not because of the child because of what might be made up about me...

[ladydeedy]

she'll soon tire of the every weekend thing as she'll want to see her daughter. Sounds like she doesnt know what she wants.
Not sure if this helps, but my DH and his ex tried mediation but it was futile as ex is simply too bonkers to be reasonable after the first few minutes. So it was a waste of his time going as she just cant be reasoned with. She would turn up late then just didnt go at all. Counsellor was frustrated by her also.

[HRHLadyG]

Awful! Sadly, some people are unwilling and/or unable to reason with. You are absolutely in the strongest position by not reacting, as difficult as that may be. We only give people the power to effect us if we react.
I suggest that you and your Partner keep a detailed diary of EVERYTHING (Contact, dates, times, threats,texts, conversations, social network nonsense etc). This allows you to remain objective and focussed on the goal of establishing regular contact in the childs best interests.
Your partner may want to consider taking legal action in the form of making an application to the Court to formalise consistent and regular Contact. He does not need to pay for a solicitor who may cost a fortune and add further heat to the situation.He can represent himself (hence the support of detailed diary) and can use a McKenzie Friend (someone with legal experience who charges a minimal amount) for both legal and emotional support. In the long term this could remove the need for the Mother to communicate with your Partner unnecessarily or inappropriately. Everyone knows where they stand and this little girl gets to recognise a pattern of contact that is not tarnished with arguments and unpredicatability.
In the meantime, enjoy building your new life together and hold your heads up high. x

[expatinscotland]

I'm always agog at women who go out with guys who have this much drama around them, particularly when they don't even have kids themselves. Life is complicated enough without saddling yourself with a millstone like this, some bloke with loads of kids and a psycho ex. Just why make your life so much harder?

[flurp]

Expat - unfortunately by the time you realise the extent of the difficulties you are already emotionally involved. If you love the man then you accept the baggage - after all how many of us are baggage free?

[ThingummyBob]

I think I would always wonder if I would become the next shrieking harpie

[expatinscotland]

'Expat - unfortunately by the time you realise the extent of the difficulties you are already emotionally involved. If you love the man then you accept the baggage - after all how many of us are baggage free? '

When you're single with no kids, plenty of us! Things like this, it's a mugs game. Run a mile from drama like this.

[flurp]

Obviously Expat but OP isn't single with no kids, nor are most of us on here!
OP I think your DP has to stand up to his ex. If he won't do that then she will carry on with her silly games and you and your kids will be better off out of it.

[dignifiedsilence]

flurp unfortunately by the time you realise the extent of the difficulties you are already emotionally involved. If you love the man then you accept the baggage - after all how many of us are baggage free?

Agree with this!!! If I had a crystal ball and could have seen all this happening I would of run a mile!!! Always had a rule...never date someone with kids....broke that rule.....here I am. An innocent victim of someone elses past!!
Told my OH I can only take so much so we have to work together. If she starts with her silly accusations and talking bs again we HAVE to come together and tackle it as a team and not have him worrying how it will affect his contact time. That to me is exactly what she wants, so she can say and do what she likes because if he so much as defends himself contact is stopped!
It is comforting to know other people are in the same boat and thank you LadyG you are right too :
Thank you so much I'll keep posting xx

[flixy102]

I've just read this thread and want to mark my place as I can identify so much with that the op is saying (thankfully on a much lesser scale however!).

My DHs exP was and still can be very sneaky and manipulative. We have learnt to read a situation before it happens and make our move first before she gets a chance to wreck things! (I guess the OP doesn't have that luxury).

She also told my DH when they split that she never wanted to see him happy even through it was her that broke the relationship up by leaving him for another man. The fact that he then met and married me grates on her endlessly

To the poster that said why do we get involved with men with baggage? Well for me the answer is simple-my DH was very careful not to involve his DD in our new relationship until he was sure there was a future in it. By the time I met his DD and started to get a glimpse of the havoc his ex can reek, I was in love.

[dignifiedsilence]

Yes flixy me too :). I suppose in the beginning I questioned why he would have gotten with someone like this in the first place. His exW is an ok sort of woman and this one is totally bonkers it just didn't add up. He got with her 3 months after his 18 year marriage was ended by his wife. So after spending half his life with someone he rebounded into toxicity. I understood this because I did it myself. He is a good guy but has made some very bad choices ( haven't we all?) and thats why I am still around.

[Stepmooster]

There seems to be some ladies who with the benefit of hindsight would not have embarked on a relationship with their DPs. I knew my DH for 3 yrs prior his messy divorce and it wasn't until 3 yrs after we got together. Its not always easy when there is a crazy ex and a DSS. But I do feel like a team and DH is v good at making sure our relationship comes 1st before his ex for all our kids sake. He just refuses to bow down to his ex, that's not say he won't help out if she needs help with DSS, but she would have him doing all sorts if she could. The first and only time his ex and her DP threatened DH he called the police and she ended up spending 8 hours down the cop shop. DH sorted out a contact order and we are slowly moving on. Some men are their own worst enemy, they need to take charge of their lives instead of the women doing it for them.