Partner with children and dealing with financial side

[amber88]

I've been with my partner for a while now (7 years). He has 2 children from a previous relationship and me and kids get along well.

We have been saving for a deposit on a house and because he pays above what CSA worked out he should pay for the children I have saved all this myself as he can't afford to contribute. We currently split the costs of living 50/50, rent, food, bills etc.

What are people's thoughts on this? It's always bothered me a little but then he says that even though he pays more than CSA amount it's not that much considering the cost of food, clothes etc. He pays around 25% of his wage after tax.

Think I may be getting nervous about the (what I see as) huge leap from renting to buying a house together.

And the whole 'men should be the breadwinner' attitude of society doesn't help.

Sorry for not using the correct abbreviations, I don't know them all yet! Any thoughts would be welcome....

[colditz]

You're not clear about which bit is bothering You ...

[amber88]

Sorry, it bothers me that he can't contribute to the deposit because he pays more than he needs to in maintenance- God I sound like such a horrible person

[colditz]

Well.... You're going to have to think about how much it bothers you.

The kids are always going to come first, always. Their needs will always come before yours, and money will go to them before it comes to the couse.

Can you live like that?

[NotaDisneyMum]

Amber - it's not wrong that it bothers you, but as your DP has been upfront about it, it would be wrong to try and change him - its a part of who he is.

I suggest you do some soul searching and decide if its something you can live with long term - and them sit down with your DP and be honest with him.

[Newmama99]

Hi Amber -

As an example of situations, here is mine: my dp has two children from a previous marriage, he pays the relevant rate of 20% for two children through CSA. He came out of the divorce with some debts (long story...) so his financial situation is not as good as mine at the moment. He also supplements the 20% taken from his salary by wanting to pay for extras such as their hobbies, extra clothes etc.

We now have our own DC. We both work, I currently earn more than him. We did buy a home recently, but that was funded 100% by my savings for the deposit, and our arrangement is that I pay for the mortgage (as the house is in my sole name) and he pays for all the bills. He also pays for when we go out eating, or cinema etc.

At the moment, this situation suits me and him well. I know there are lots of ways of setting up finances in a step family, and everyone will have a different situation and have their own view on it.

We are not married, and I don't intend to until he is fully released from debts from his past as it could have a negative impact on me.

I guess as the children become adults and make a living things will also change again for us. It was not easy to find the compromise that suits us. It was an issue at first for my DP to actually be open about his full financial situation, and I understood afterwards that he found it difficult to have worked so hard and lose so much and have debts etc. but we got there slowly, and finances has been one of the hardest subject to talk about. But it's important to get to an understanding on it together so that you can concentrate on appreciating the beautiful relationship that you could have with your DP.

I hope this helps.

[amber88]

Thanks for the replies, they are very helpful and have got me thinking. I suppose I was worried that DP was taking advantage of me but I know that if we weren't together he would still pay the same maintenance even if it meant working 2 jobs. He pays what he thinks is fair, it just means that he has nothing left at the end of the month.

[Newmama99]

Just another thing. I intend that our home passes on to our DC in my will. My step kids should inherit the large family home that was left to their mum.

This said, besides the personal and emotional commitment to my step children, on the financial side I have happily paid for days out, clothes, toys, meals etc.

[amber88]

Newmama99 I didn't see your reply as I was typing mine. Thanks for your response, its interesting to hear about how you worked out your financial set up; i suppose every couple are different and there's no set "right" way- its just what is right for the couple.

[mumandboys123]

you should consider the alternative....a man that couldn't care less about his children and who ducks and dives to pay the minimum maintenance or none at all? Would you want children with that man? I know we all think our relationships are 'forever' but sometimes it doesn't happen. In a worst case scenario and your relationship broke down, which kind of ex do you want?

I am very much of the opinion that we reap what we sow in life. The women who have taken up with my ex since he walked out have all been happy to see him not pay maintenance for his children. One of them was happy to use her professional accounting skills to see that he paid nothing at all. He has moved on from them all, and if the phone calls and angry e-mails I've received are anything to go by ('cos it's my fault, obviously!), he hasn't treated them very well. Who's fault is that?

[purpleroses]

I'm in the reverse situation from you really - DP and I both have kids, but he earns a lot more than me. He does seem happy to pay for things, but also keen to keep our finances separate. I think it's much nicer for him to be able to choose if and when to be generous with the extra that he has, rather than to pool it and see it all as "ours". Would it help you to do that? Once you've finished saving for the deposit, could you put aside the extra that you have as money for you. You could just keep it as savings for a rainy day, or you could choose to spend it on you and your DP, and/or the DSC, but it would be your money and your choice.

[amber88]

mumandboys123 I have considered the alternative and believe me I wouldn't be on a forum asking for advice if he was trying to get out of paying his way; I'd be long gone! Sometimes its hard to see that your current situation could be so much worse so thank you for giving me a virtual wake up call

purpleroses that's a brilliant idea and yes I would feel comfortable with that. To be honest I have paid for days out and even a holiday in the past for the 4 of us; it's just this lump sum for the deposit that makes me wary. I think I just need to get over it and be thankful that I've managed to save it in the first place.

There's talk of DSD coming to live with us soon which would completely change things again; so it's all a bit up in the air at the moment.

[Petal02]

He should definitely pay towards supporting his children. Although I have sympathy for the women whose partners pay so extortionately and disproportionately to the ex that they can?t afford a ?new? life.

[Lasvegas]

I couldn't live with someone who couldn't contribute 50:50. I would feel that I was taken advantage of. But this is probably because in a past relationship I had to support my partner as he didn't enjoy working for a living. It would make no difference if they had less money because of kids maintenance or they had expensive hobby.

If the is going to pay the mortgage and bills 50:50 then that would be ok. But I would set up the ownership of the house so it was 70:30 to take into account that you had paid the deposit. Remember stamp duty is another huge up front cost.

In my relationship i paid the stamp duty and deposit. we both own the house 50:50. It was agreed that my husband would pay a larger share of the mortgage for 10 years of so (until he had contributed the equal amount that I had paid initially). Of course trust is involved as if we sold the house before he had 'made up for the deposit' i couldn't have re-couped my investment.