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Iss it unreasonable to ban my partners daughter from my house??

(47 Posts)
emu220 Sun 06-Jan-13 15:01:35

I have been with my partner for 7 years, when we met I had a 1 year old daughter and he had a six year old daughter who are now 8 and 12. Since we got together my partners daughter has had a real problem with mine, she has always been nasty and bullied my daughter, for the first few years I kept trying to tell my partner about what was going on but we ended up in rows because he thought I was making it up, he walked out on me twice over it. she is an attention seeker to the max, and woe betide if you tell her she cant have or do something. She planted womens accessories in my bed last week that caused a huge row and they turned out to be her mothers. last year an incident occurred at my parners brther house and his children told their mother everything that had gon on including about how dsd bullied dd regulally. After then he had no choice but to believe me. She is really sneaky and if she gets shouted at for something she will take it out on dd. she it punched, pinched, kicked, threatened with a knife, her toys are broken and she steals her things. Last week they all stayed at my mums and my mum pulled me to one side to say dsd had been hurting dd and my sister had words with her about it, also when we were leaving it came about that she had stolen a very expensive pair of figure skates from out of my sisters wardrobe. She lives with her mother and they are an 8 hour round trip so she just spends the school holidays with us, but my partner works so she is my responsibility while she is here. The wole while I am stressing about what shes gtting up to, what shes doing to dd. My partner has taken her home today but as soon as she left we discovered that an iTunes gift card which was a birthday prezzie of dds was missing, ive pulled the house apart looking for it, literally, I know she has/had it, she was behaving suspiciously this morning in dds bedroom where it was. My partner pulled over and searched her things and he says its not there but don't trust him to look properly because he doesn't want to believe that of her, and shes sneaky so she could have got rid of it.

Ive had enough of her horrible ways, ive had enough of my daughter being hurt when she hurt, 7 years is too long to put up with this crap. I'm at the point where I just don't want her to come here anymore. I made such an effort to include her, to make her feel at home and like a part of the family, because she is, I tried to be close to her because I thought perhaps she upset about losing her dad or sharing with myself and dd but that kid wont be happy until she has her dad to herself.

Waitingforastartofall Tue 08-Jan-13 10:44:39

Wow theres been lots of posts since last time i came on, unfortunatly i can see both sides and as has been said by others its very hard to be stepparent in that situation where bio parent is working ect but if you feel that you cannot deal wiht her behaviour appropriately she shouldnt be there without dad especially since your dd is suffering because of it. I have my sc without dp on the odd occasion, if i felt that i wasnt able to discipline them for bad behaviour then i would say no. Stepparent or not in your house what you say goes and there should be rules and consequences for everyone but this will only work if your dp steps up

flurp Tue 08-Jan-13 10:33:56

Mumandtwoboys - I do agree with you, I too would never be with a man who let this happen. I also agree that this poor girl has serious issues but she still needs to be shown that violence and stealing etc are wrong, whatever the reason for it.
The OPs DP is being negligent in allowing it to continue. He is burying his head in the sand and not facing up to his dds problems and until he can actually parent this girl and not pander to her then nothing will be resolved.

allnewtaketwo Tue 08-Jan-13 06:09:29

Strumpet given that the OP says this has ALWAYS been a problem and the child had ALWAYS been nasty to hers, what do you think?

mumandboys123 Mon 07-Jan-13 22:54:25

Flurp, I like to think that I wouldn't be in a relationship with a man who, on the fact of what has been said here, couldn't give a damn enough to appropriately parent his children. As such, my children and myself will (hopefully - I accept it can happen without ever meaning it to) never be in a situation like the OP is describing.

None of that detracts from the fact that the child is screaming out for help and no one seems to be hearing her. She's not going to get better until dad pulls his finger out and recognises that there is a problem.

strumpetpumpkin Mon 07-Jan-13 22:45:07

it was a genuine question. did you like them to begin with?

IneedAsockamnesty Mon 07-Jan-13 21:06:19

Thank you petal.

For what its worth if any of my children harmed people or animals regardless of where they were I would consider the person in charge of them at the time to be negligent or enabling if they didnt at least try to deal with it sensibly, if they used the excuse that they didnt want to upset them I would ask

" how upset do you think they will be with you when they are standing in a dock,wondering why you allowed them to get that far before an intervention"

flurp Mon 07-Jan-13 20:53:45

Yes she is being spiteful and horrid!
What would you call a child who treated you / your dc this way?
I'm sure there is a reason for it - probably that she wants her dad to notice her but pandering to her isn't the answer!

Petal02 Mon 07-Jan-13 20:45:38

Does anyone remember a lady who was posting approx 18 months ago -her stepsons were visiting EOW, and they used to harm her pets. In any other circumstances, the RSPCA/police would have been involved - but remember everyone, step children are quite literally above the law. Having separated parents seems to give some children license to do almost anything. This thread reminded me of that poor lady and her dreadful situation.

Petal02 Mon 07-Jan-13 19:33:05

Pixie, superb post. It would be a blessing all round if social services/YOT got involved - although how dreadful that the OP's DP hasn't got the balls to tackle the situation himself, resulting in the OP's little girl having to suffer. It's practically criminal, and most likely classed as some sort of neglect?

IneedAsockamnesty Mon 07-Jan-13 19:13:53

Your dd without a doubt takes priority.

If sd did this to a random child on the street she would be arrested.

Your dh needs to man up and work with the mother to get her the help and support she needs in order to moderate her behaviour( might I surgest a advice only phone call to the YOT as some offer mentoring and group support for young kids over 10 but before they actually get arrested for anything) but it needs to be done whilst protecting your daughter.

How on earth would you explain it if your dd goes to school and tells a member of staff that her 12 yo step sister hits her and threatens to stab her? Chances are it would then get taken out of your hands and your DH would be able to do bugger all about her not being allowed near any of your children for the foreseeable future.

humptydidit Mon 07-Jan-13 19:11:01

beamur I think he idea could be a good one. where dad visits daughter to spend more time together to make her feel more special.

I too am shocked by people suggesting more allowances for this girl. yes she has every right to be mixed up and upset etc etc etc but not at the expense of other children's happiness.

Petal02 Mon 07-Jan-13 19:05:44

I agree that a change to the contact schedule would help, so that access only happens when the child's father available. OP, would your DP be willing to do this, or is he one of these men who stubbornly insists on having his full entitlement of access, even if he's absent for the majority of that time (the wonderful "access by proxy" parenting model)?

But it horrifies me that the right of the OP's child to a happy childhood should be denied - according to the majority of posters here - simply to ensure that a step child is indulged rather than be appropriately parented. I can't think of any other circumstances under which anyone would overlook a child, like the OP's, being bullied and terrorised in her own home.

NotaDisneyMum Mon 07-Jan-13 18:21:13

pumpkin did you miss the bit where the OPs DD was threatened with a knife??

I've seen it all now. SM-bashing at its finest - you must accept threats of serious violence towards your own DC, otherwise you'll face castigation for not liking your DSC!

strumpetpumpkin Mon 07-Jan-13 18:04:38

did you ever like her?

suburbophobe Mon 07-Jan-13 18:03:09

for the first few years I kept trying to tell my partner about what was going on but we ended up in rows because he thought I was making it up, he walked out on me twice over it.

Well, I would've quit right there. My DS always comes before a not willing to take his responsibility and twisting it to make it look like I'm crazy boyfriend.

IneedAsockamnesty Mon 07-Jan-13 17:55:20

Behaving not heaving

NanaNina Mon 07-Jan-13 17:54:45

Thank you for those of you who appreciated my post, but just looked at it again and want to say that I am not advocating slaughtering children like the lion does with the lioness's cuba.

I'm glad there are some more measured posts, like beamurs above. There seems to be little point for posters to come on and "demonise" the stepchild. as she is hurting too. It's hard for the step mum having to cope with this horrible situation, but maybe more measured responses would be more help.

IneedAsockamnesty Mon 07-Jan-13 17:51:45

How would he feel or react if he was heaving like this towards one or both of yor twin daughters?

Beamur Mon 07-Jan-13 17:46:46

I've never been expected (or asked) to provide solo child care for my DSC's during holiday time - that is and has always been their parents responsibility. This has relaxed a bit since I've had a child as I am more available, but it is not my responsibility - although there is an element of shared 'family' stuff there too, mine are older though and don't need me to do very much for them these days.
FWIW I wonder if you should revisit the way you currently share access with Mum regarding this little girl as it doesn't seem to be working very well for any of you.
Maybe she would benefit from more time alone with her father as she is not able to enjoy the day to day relationship that the rest of the family are able to have? Maybe instead of the whole holidays, a couple of weeks when he could be around would be better - and why not have more contact in between too - I appreciate it is a long journey but perhaps Dad could go over and stay in a B&B occasionally and spend a weekend nearer his daughter?
She sounds quite unhappy and whilst it's not right that that unhappiness spills over and makes more people unhappy, perhaps you also need to look at why she is the way she is.

witchofmiddx Mon 07-Jan-13 17:27:04

NanaNina very wise words and so true. Step-parenting is just not a 'natural' situation, and i totally admire the step-parent who can honestly say they feel the same for their steps as for their biological, if they truely exist. If something bad happens in my step-kid's lives i am upset, but do not feel the gut-wrench i do with my own. Is that bad? Maybe, but it's nature and it works both ways, the best one can do is try your best not to let it show. I agree there are reasons, probably jealousy, for you sd's behaviour but wholeheartedly agree that you must not tolerate it.

mumandboys123 Mon 07-Jan-13 17:19:37

flurp - how on earth is a child that is clearly struggling with the breakdown of her parent's relationship, what she feels, seeing her dad parent her half-siblings and a child that isn't related to him on a daily basis when she lives at the other side of the country 'spiteful' and 'horrible'. Her behaviour is awful - and needs to be dealt with - but the circumstances of it, understanding it, are not difficult and are clearly contextual.

I don't personally agree that step mum should take a step back from her but I do agree in the absence of a better solution if step mum is unhappy, one way of managing that is refusing to be left alone with the child. The problem with that is the result is likely to be that she spends even less time in dad's home which is only going to serve to worsen the issue rather than improve it. The child is clearly crying out for her father's attention, love and support. Pushing her further away won't solve that.

humptydidit Mon 07-Jan-13 17:19:06

nananina excellent post... very wise words

Petal02 Mon 07-Jan-13 16:56:31

No you can’t ban her, it will make it worse. But you can remove yourself and your dd when she is around. I agree with those who have said you should refuse to be alone with her – she isn’t your responsibility and your priority is your dd

Excellent post. OP, whilst I think that this is definitely the best course of action, how would your DP react to that? Would he still bring his daughter over to the house, and then go out leaving you with her? And if so, would you be able to remove yourself and your daughter until she’s gone? I realise this latter point probably sounds rather extreme, but it may be the only way to get through to your DP. But as an earlier poster said, you can’t allow this child to ruin your daughter’s childhood.

flurp Mon 07-Jan-13 16:32:07

No you can't ban her - that will make her worse. But you can remove yourself and your dd when she is around.
I agree with those who have said you should refuse to be alone with her - she isn't your responsibility and your priority is your dd (poor kid being abused in her own home by this spiteful horrible girl)

NanaNina Mon 07-Jan-13 13:52:08

I know this is not going to help at all, BUT step parenting in the main doesn't work - animals don't do it and as I've said on here many time before the lion will kill the lioness's cubs if he wants to mate with her, to ensure his gene pool is preserved.

I know we are meant to be the higher form of animal life, but sometimes I think there are lessons we can learn from them.

The problems are many and convaluted and jealousy, rejection, abandonment, fear and anger are all in the mix with the step child/ren. They can't process these feelings, so it comes out in all sorts of other ways, and all that is seen is the manifestations, not what lies beneath. I have only found this out over the years since the awful sp-ing years ended, and can now see it all more clearly. My SD told me (when she was grown up) that she knew I didn't like her (and I tried so hard to pretend I did!) and she hated seeing me with my own children and being different with her.

PLEASE step-mums don't think I am trying to tell you that the poor s-c has all these problems, (she has) but you have all sorts of emotions that you can't process either because you are in the middle of it all. I had a good friend to talk to and was able to bang her kitchen table and say "I hate that bloody girl" .........phew heavy stuff but ye know what we are human too and as I said before we have a mixture of powerful emotions that we are not really aware of and everything is focussed on what the s-c is doing (or not doing)

I don't think there is an answer to be honest I just wish I'd never had to go through it and I feel so so much for all of you going through it now. The only useful thing I can say is A can't change B's behaviour but A can change her behaviour.......don't think I mean you have to be all nice and whatnot when you feel such anger inside you. Try changing just one thing - doesn't matter what it is - when s-c does/say something you don't like, just change what you usually do/say or even change your body language. Life is like a script really and we all play out parts, but when you change the script people are confused.............not saying it will make things better but you could note how the s-c reacts when you change what you normally do, because there will be a reaction.

I was a social worker/manager for 30 years (now retired) and suggested people in difficult r/ships did this, and they used to say how confused their husband looked because she wasn't doing what she always did. IT isn't easy
but it does demonstrate that people expect (not consciously) certain things to happen in arguments and when someone changes the tune, they are confused. One woman had a difficult daughter (LDs) not a step child but her husband was not very tolerant and when the girl used to spill something deliberately on the table at meal times, the mother used to get upset and start mopping stuff up and the husband would be shouting. I suggested nexyt time it happened she left the table and picked up a book to read (she was a keen gardener and had lots of hard backed gardeningbooks, but she said she didn't think she could do it, so we wrote things about changing the script and watching the behaviour and she put it inside the gardening book and just kept looking at it. Her husband was confused and agitated and said "why aren't you mopping up this mess" and she said "No i might do it later" - she said the funny part was seeing him standing by the table with his arms outstretched not knowing what to do. The daughter came and sat by her mom and the husband went out tocut the hedge........................I suggested she tried it in other situations and we used to have a good laugh about the outcomes.

Sorry I am going on.................will shut up now.

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