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reached my limit anyone got any advice

(14 Posts)
smilingthroughgrittedteeth Sat 29-Dec-12 21:09:54

Im currently hiding in my bedroom crying, partly because I'm tired and partly because I've reached my limit with DP's ex

She has always been ademant that I'm not allowed to be at drop offs, which has always been fine I have better things to do then sit in the car for hours, but after the fuss she has made this week about not being able to afford to meet us half way we decided the only way we could do the 3hour trip there was if I went too, I had a hospital appointment this morning didnt realise they did clinics on Saturdays and I needed DP to come with me as the dr wanted to speak to both of us, would have been fine if he only had to drive the normal half way but he didn't have time to drop me off home and still be there at the time she demanded he pick up, we got stuck in traffic so it took 4hrs, I stayed in the car and kept my head down reading until we had pulled away, got home at 8.15 and she had text DP saying "she's fuck ugly and if you ever bring the cunt down here again ill finish off where I left off last time" she has harressed me by phone but never been in the same place as her so no idea what she's talking about

DP and DSC are downstairs but after 8hrs in the car I've reached my limit for noise hence why I'm hiding upstairs.

Anyone got any advice? Part of me wants to go to the police as its a threat and I want her to know she won't get away with it, but is that just wasting their time?

I wasn't planning on going with them on sat to drop off but now I'm tempted just so she doesn't think she's got her own way, I don't want to cause a scene in front of dsc though, even though I wouldn't get involved in any arguments It would upset them if she kicked off why does she have to be such a pain in the arse???

chocoreturns Sat 29-Dec-12 22:03:57

go. Let her harrass you again, take it to the police and have her cautioned. I don't care what she thinks her reasons are, it's not ok to behave like that and you are better off standing up for yourself and showing that this is not to be tolerated. Your SDC will benefit from seeing you as someone worthy of respect as well, it will be hard and you have to follow through (take it to the police) if she does escalate things, but its better than feeling like the invisible woman for the rest of your life.

Honestly I can't stand it when people are so utterly vile. There is simply no excuse whatsoever. Your life is none of her business, and you should be able to sit in your own car fgs.

PoppyPrincess Sun 30-Dec-12 00:33:28

I'm not really sure if I can really offer any wise words of advice, in fact I know I can't because I don't deal with this kind of thing very well either.
I'm not sure if the police would take a complaint about one threatening text very seriously, I think they'd just advise you to keep a log of everything that happens.
She's clearly a nasty bully and I think the only way to deal with bullies is to stand up to her. But do you think she'll stop contact if you piss her off?
Have you ever spoken to her properly? Maybe try and make her see that you're actually ok?

cheeseandpineapple Sun 30-Dec-12 00:35:17

Sorry to go off track but Choco, I've been trying to track you down, you've name changed! Hope all's well and can you link to your blog? Had been wondering what's happened to you!

Smiling, sorry to hear what's happened. Maintain your dignity, try not to be put off doing what you need to do and keep the texts in case you do need to take things further. In meantime, can your DP speak to her and let her know she needs to back off otherwise you will take action is she continues to threaten and harass you?

YDdraigGoch Sun 30-Dec-12 00:35:49

Ignore it. Be the bigger person, and ignore her.

cheeseandpineapple Sun 30-Dec-12 00:36:39

"If" not "is" she continues to threaten etc

Fluffeh Sun 30-Dec-12 07:28:33

I can relate. My DP's xw is very similar in her behaviour towards me.
In your situation, when she has sent awful, threatening messages directed at me but to DP's phone, I've just avoided her.
Luckily his DS's are teenagers and know what their mum can be like, if they were younger I would worry about the effect her hostility has on them.
In your position I would try and avoid any further confrontation just to keep the peace for the children's sake (people may think this is backing down but I always try and consider the feelings of the children before my own). She sounds like there's still a lot of anger on her part and without wanting to pander to her unreasonable behaviour ( which is certainly what it was) I would just avoid pick up/drop off and hope it calms her down.

HarkTheHattifattnerSing Sun 30-Dec-12 07:53:54

It always amazes me that the cost of transport is obviously cheaper for the ex H than for the ex W.

Id be tempted to stop doing the entire trip - because you have done her a huge favour in changing access and she has abused it and you on day one of the new arrangement. So go back to the way it was before. It also takes your DH out for two full days of driving, which is not healthy or desirable.

Even better, have him drive the whole way there to collect them, and have her drive the whole way there to fetch them back. That way she can see what a terrible drive it is and may then go back to previous arrangements.

smilingthroughgrittedteeth Sun 30-Dec-12 10:42:43

Thank you all for your replies, last night I just couldn't see clearly it all felt too much.

I will log it with the police because I will be going with DP to drop the children off, not as a defiance against her but because DSC have been talking all morning about how nice it was that we were all stuck in traffic together hmm

We have spent 2 years trying to keep the peace but it doesn't matter what we do she still kicks off and makes contact difficult.

I will remain dignified and stay in the car reading, if she kicks off I will let her rant and rave while I continue to read, hopefully she will realise that the only ones being upset are the dsc and that she is making herself look like an idiot in front of the neighbours.

DP works nights and she never sees why this means he can't do the drive until after lunch when he's had a few hours sleep she insists he picks up at 12, he refused and we said 3 but because of the hospital appointment it meant that I drove the first bit while he slept, we got stuck in traffic so didn't get there till 4, from 3pm onwards she was texting and at 3.30 said if he wasn't there by 4 he couldn't have them for the week! He had text at 2.30 to say we were stuck in traffic and would be late.

It just grates when she says she has no money yet still has takeaway twice a week and still goes out drinking every weekend angry we on the other hand have had to turn the heating off because we can't afford the gas bill and I can't remember the last time we had a takeaway!

I realise that it was DP who chose to move and she doesn't have to do the drive to meet halfway but she agreed to it and if it wasn't for DP texting her on friday to check the time for pick up he would have driven there and she wouldn't have turned up!

DSC are 9 and 14 by the way.

Revelsarethebest Sun 30-Dec-12 11:29:06

What an awful situation.

Why are ex's so bitter?

Id get a flaming for explaining what happened to my sc when there mother made life so miserable, i was becoming depressed and ready for walking out of my marriage. It makes me cry now thinking how low she made me feel.

The result is dh wont see his children until they are 16 years old so that we dont have to deal with their mother making our life a utter misery.

There was no other option but to do it this way.

I hope things improve for you

chocoreturns Sun 30-Dec-12 14:21:56

Good for you OP I really hope it settles down, but you're doing the right thing IMO. Remember that anyone who feels the need to belittle someone's appearance or lifestyle is only doing so because they have issues of their own - it is not the behaviour of someone with excellent robust self-esteem!

<as an aside, Hi cheeseandpineapples! here you go blog grin sorry for thread diversion OP!>

NotaDisneyMum Sun 30-Dec-12 14:43:41

I will remain dignified and stay in the car reading, if she kicks off I will let her rant and rave while I continue to read, hopefully she will realise that the only ones being upset are the dsc and that she is making herself look like an idiot in front of the neighbours.

I did this when we dropped off one day. It was a one-off, and we'd been together for over a year, but were on our way somewhere, so didn't think it through properly, I suppose. Sure enough, ex made a scene in front of the neighbours and the DC's; made a right fool of herself, while I stared straight ahead trying not to laugh at her.

It was only later we found out that when she went back into the house, she carried on ranting and raving, screaming, throwing and breaking things. It came out when DSS spoke to a counsellor several months later - he was terrified by her behaviour and wanted to ask DP not to let me come to drop him off in future or go to any of his school events because "it upset mummy so much".

Not saying you shouldn't do it - just be prepared for the fall-out.

smilingthroughgrittedteeth Sun 30-Dec-12 15:46:31

The thing is dp is also working fri night and she wants them back at 12 so I am going to have to drive while he sleeps.

I would do anything to protect my dsc from witnessing a scene but after 2 years of constant stress and abuse whilst we are trying to keep her happy It is becoming impossible so I can't see anyway to end it then for her to see that dp and I are a united front and not pandering to her anymore.

smilingthroughgrittedteeth Sun 30-Dec-12 16:41:05

Meant to say that I rang the police this morning, they were very helpful and logged the text, they are coming out to see DP and I on wednesday to discuss how to deal with pick ups and drop offs in the future.

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