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Sick of adult SCs being so needy and entitled

(58 Posts)
sudaname Sat 29-Dec-12 20:41:33

Right - had enough now - and guess what the last straw was that broke the camels back - a 3amp fuse for a plughmm. I mean he (adult SS) actually lives down the road from a diy store and actually drove past a little local diy shop to call in on daddy to get one off him. He actually texted first to check he had one and he wasnt just wanting to visit anyway for a chat or anything iyswim cos he said he couldnt stop. Last week it was a small philips screwdriver and DH sent him away with a selection as he wanted one quite small. He came back again that time too to ask for another one as they werent right - did he bring first lot back - did he fuck no!
Disclaimers now - he drives and has a well paid job and pays regular visits just to see his dad seperate from these 'B&Q' visits as l call them.
DH is a builder so son knows his dad will always have most things you can think of in the diy dept. l cant talk to DH about it cos he gets defensive - the most l can get away with is the odd sarky comment about having the B&Q sign removed etc. But he and his son just laugh

The other adult SS treats his dad like a cashpoint - £40. £50 here and there - even up to a £100 recently. Never pays him back and a third pay day has just gone past when he's said he would repay £50 and nothing. DH again just gets defensive so l can only say so much. Last month at a relatives house l had nagged him into bringing it up and he said 'you owe me some money btw' and SS said 'yeah l know l'll pay you some back when l get paid on 15th' 15th came and went - no mention. But SS did come round specially to get his Christmas present (we had gone away but he asked especially to have them left somewhere for him so he wouldnt have to wait till we came back ) - £50 worth of vouchers for a computer chain. Disclaimers - he too can drive and has good well paid job and no family etc to support.

Is it me or would you if your son owed you over £150 give him £50 for Christmas or just write off part of the debt? That's what l did last year when my son was buying my car off me - l just sent him a card and wrote off two £50 repayments for his birthday and then for Xmas. He was happy with that and wouldnt have taken money off me when he owed me money.

I just feel like we cant have anything - DH bought me a quite expensive piece of jewellry for Xmas and told me to say to his family that he'd saved up for it (WTAF?) It's like he doesnt want them to know mean daddy has some money and he's not sharing it with us - boo-hoo. We recently bought a few new kitchen appliances and SS1 commented - have you two won the lottery or something ?? I feel we cant have a joint bank account because l would go apeshit if he drew some out to 'lend' SS2. We were recently going to buy a carpet shampooer/vacuum but l 'changed my mind' after SS1 had already booked it before even bought.

Sorry am just rambling now and l dont hold out much hope for changing my DHs What's mine is theirs' attitude or their entitled attitude so dont know what any of you can suggest really.

sudaname Wed 02-Jan-13 13:29:38

grrrrr - 'dont know...' - that should have read !

catsmother Wed 02-Jan-13 14:12:25

I do see what NADM is getting at and she's right in that SS has been "taught" - so far - to see his dad as an ever open cashpoint. But I also agree with you Suda - in that presumably he doesn't live in a cave and must surely know, from what he reads, from chatting with friends, from TV & film, that most people think asking to "borrow" money and then avoiding repayment is wrong. After all, if he has no intention of paying it back why doesn't he just come right out and ask for a gift ? ..... hmmm, I'd say that he knows full well he is less likely to be gifted money whereas a "loan" somehow sounds more acceptable - because it at least, at the time of asking, implies repayment and would therefore be more acceptable to his dad. Basically, when he asks for a loan he's lying isn't he - he's being dishonest right from the start ..... and I can't believe that he doesn't know that that at least is wrong ?!

I do however also agree with NADM in as much that this boy-man isn't going to grow up unless he's shocked into it. I think he's taking huge advantage here (obviously) but it's not done with some naiive innocence - he knows bloody well what he's doing because otherwise, why not just ask for a sub straight ...... bottom line is he's correctly sussed his dad is a soft touch and has no qualms in exploiting that. It's really a very unattractive and unpleasant trait regardless of the fact his dad has enabled this. The only way this is going to stop is either he gets a taste of his own medicine as suggested by Suda (very unlikely), or, his dad tells him enough's enough.

Suda - don't know if you already do this but I'd keep a record of all the "loans" I knew about (wouldn't be surprised if there's several you've been kept in the dark about sad to say) so at the very least at some point in the future you can clearly show DH how much has been lent and how much has been returned. Maybe at the moment it's all too easy for DH to dismiss what's been going on by talking about "only £30" or whatever - but it all adds up and you shouldn't have to make it up. Your DH needs to have it drummed into him that he's doing his son no favours at all by carrying on like this .... he's not dealing with stuff and making it ten times worse because he knows ultimately daddy will come to the rescue. What would he do if daddy wasn't there one day ? And what sort of partner is he going to make if he spends recklessly expecting other people to bail him out ? You certainly shouldn't have to hide and/or tell fibs about any purchases you and/or DH make. So bloody what if you spend some of the money you've earnt honestly on yourselves ? Do you have a tantrum if SS goes on holiday ? - guess not - it wouldn't really be any of your business (though you'd be entitled to be peed off if the debt was still outstanding). I really don't know what to suggest .... maybe sitting DH down, showing him this thread (??) and perhaps, in order to show you're not "getting at" SS (heaven forbid a stepmother should ever justifiably complain about a step "child") reiterate your offer of financial management lessons and, though it pains me to say it (but it's cutting your losses and you'd be no worse off as I don't think the little sod has any intention of paying anything back) suggesting to DH that all past loans are written off providing this stops NOW. That all future requests must be discussed with you - because it affects you too - even if it is "only" £30, and that "loans" for anything other than genuine emergencies won't be granted. That DH tells SS that all loans have now been written off because time has shown again and again they weren't actually loans at all but money obtained under false pretences and promises - and that he's very disappointed with him. That he's prepared to forgive and forget (for the sake of diplomacy) but moving on things are going to be different and SS needs to put his house in order as there'll be no more Bank of Dad. He doesn't need to know that emergencies might be considered.

If DH baulks at all that I'd be pretty damned furious. What kind of "relationship" does he really have with his son if he effectively has to pay for crumbs of company which otherwise wouldn't be willingly given. I'm not sure how DH can take any pleasure from his company if he knows deep down it's been bought. Maybe SS would strop off - I don't know - but I very much doubt it would be forever, and if he did cut his dad off over him getting assertive then that surely says far more about him than it does his dad.

sudaname Wed 02-Jan-13 14:18:09

An extreme analogy this is l know but my DS was brought up in a DV household - that is what he witnessed over and over as his dads reaction if he didnt get his own way or something upset him in one way or another. He also witnessed mummy being nice to daddy and cooking his tea etc etc after he had been shouting horribly at mummy and even on occasion knocking her round kitchen sad.

Does my son now intimidate his partner or shout at/smack his kids to get what he wants at home ? No - not a bit of it - he is the original gentle giant (his fathers large intimidating physique is the only thing he has inherited from him thankfully). Because as an adult he now knows full well this behaviour is wrong and has chosen a better path.

SS could do the same. At his age my DH is no longer responsible for all SSs bad behaviour/traits. As l have said he now knows right from wrong and if one of his mates was taking the piss out of him in this way he would soon be saying 'No' to them and he would understand exactly why he was saying No and no doubt relay that reasoning to them.

sudaname Wed 02-Jan-13 14:37:42

Sorry x posts, Catsmother Yes l do keep track of all he owes and even keep every debt collector letter that he ever threw in but the binew or still comes here and he doesnt want it

sudaname Wed 02-Jan-13 14:38:01

sorry back soon !!!!

sudaname Wed 02-Jan-13 17:15:56

Sorry - DH sat next to me on settee so a bit self conscious a bout what am typing even tho he doesnt peek.

Yes *Catsmother l do keep track and record of everything he owes and all the debt collector letters he left in his room - many unopened l have shoved in a box and add any letters he gets now he has moved out into it as he says he doesnt want them - 'he's sorted it' yeah right but he obviously hasnt told anyone who he owes money to that he has moved. So he can never rewrite history or more to the point can his dad as l will just plonk the box down in front of him.
I couldnt show him this thread - he would go mental really. He is uber-defensive of his DCs particularly the 'money scrounger' one. l can get away with comments about us being like B&Q etc about his other son l think because l do like him very much. He is a very decent lad and has got many lovely traits. Just still got this mentality that whatever is in his fathers house is 'communal' even though he moved out many years ago (pre-me) and now has his own household and partner and income etc. even though over half things in here are mine from before l met DH or are jointly owned by his dad and me, so not even his dads to give away share. But apart from that - and it's unfortunate it was one of his such 'misdemeanours' that was straw that broke camels back and caused me to type my OP.

One excellent piece of coping advice l was once given on here was 'pick your battles' - might have been MJ but not sure - so l have decided to ignore this annoyance from SS1 as in bigger pic he is a good lad. Otherwise DH will be thinking 'Oh she just doesnt like either of my DCs' which is not true and l really like and am very fond of SS1 ( and SD1 mutual great relationship)
But It really is the other bugger one who's the problem. But he and l have a lot of bad history - many on here will remember but worse than that things came to a head just over a year ago just before he moved out (and l disappeared off here for a long time- too busy dealing with it all) so anything l even start to say about him - however commentworthy or reasonable it is, is cut off at the first mention of his name with a 'Dont start'.

hmm confused

sudaname Wed 02-Jan-13 17:35:20

Oh your last paragraph Catsmother - yes as stated in prev post SS does get arsey with his dad when he very occasionally does have the audacity to mention any money owed and DH does back down straight away and DH is a really tough 'mans man' (he's a builder) and l look at him and l think 'wow you really are scared of him arent you' (definitely not physically) because l know if it were anyone else stood in front of DH with that attitude then the air would be blue and they'd be shot down in flames in no uncertain terms.

For example when he called him a 'tight wad' in a mocking voice, when he mentioned the betting stake he'd not had back his son was so cocky and arrogant with him it was breathtaking and l just remember thinking l wanted to lamp him let alone DH is gonna lose it in a second. But DH just gave an uncomfortable little laugh and just left it. He didnt even say 'Who you callling a tight wad?' or anything.

sudaname Wed 02-Jan-13 18:08:17

Not suggesting or condoning violence btw. Dh isnt a violent man at all but he's not a pushover either and usually if someone was stood in his face in that condescending, aggressive provocative way he would react with more than the pathetic whimper he did with his son.

Neither am l suggesting all builders are sweary punch drunk thugs. Oh FFS (l'm digging a marvellous hole) - you know what l mean !!

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