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Bedrooms at mums

(110 Posts)
Stepmooster Thu 27-Dec-12 11:55:18

DH and his EX are not on speaking terms all communication via sols. Contact issue just about resolved but now DH feels he has one battle to fight on behalf of his son and that is the bedroom situation. DSS11 lives with his mum and half siblings, and has to share a bedroom with his sister (my DH ex DSD) who is 15. Their brother who is 18 (my DH ex DSS) has his own room. 18 year old has quit college not making much effort to find a job and is still at home coming home at whatever AM after drinking with his mates.

DH does not want his DS to share a room with either of them. DH would like the 18 year old to move in with his dad (not my DH) or elsewhere, or for my DSS to live with us as he thinks sharing a room with a 15 year old girl is unhealthy and not much better with a layabout brother.

EX treats her eldest like he walks on water, so this is not going to go down well. DSS has says all the time he likes his bedroom, and came to stay for a week when he was ill so he could rest quietly. We live 50 miles away from DSS main home so we are talking moving schools etc if he does come here.

Is DH being unreasonable?

Stepmooster Fri 28-Dec-12 13:22:12

hi Izzy upthread i got a lot of flak for suggesting that, 50 miles from his mum and family etc. But if DSS wants to then great. DH was assuming he had to discuss with his ex about it first, or should he just speak with DSS and inform afterwards???

I dont buy a lot of the criticisms about how its economic times so the kids should share. There are 3 sets of parents and 2 fathers who have bedrooms for their children. As long as amicable and ample contact is faciltated what the heck is the problem with one of the dads looking after one of the boys instead of mum?

Stepmooster Fri 28-Dec-12 13:37:20

whatever happens, DH has to pursue his charge from FMH. We can't move without it, and if DSS wants to live with us it would be easier if we were nearer to his siblings. At any rate if DSS comes to live with us DH would have to seek his charge, and the ex may move to other end of the country to live with her new husband in his property. Or move somewhere else for that matter, then we would have ended up moving for no reason.

Perhaps DH should cross that bridge first and unless DSS explicitly asks to move here with us then leave the bedroom issue until that matter is resolved.

izzyhasanewchangeling Fri 28-Dec-12 13:46:06

I would ask him what he wants, dont suggest, just ask, 50 miles isnt that far, we live 20 miles away from my exh and managed to share care, gosh DS even did overnights and went to school from exes in morning, it just meant being organised and getting up at 7.00.

Mumsnet is populated by mums, who cant imagine living away from their children, which is fine, but there is nothing wrong with looking outside the box.

Personally I think your husbands ex is taking the proverbial.

What a great start to married life, someone else paying your mortgage while you wait for property prices to rise.

Arisbottle Fri 28-Dec-12 14:05:57

It does sound like the best idea is to go for 50% or full residency .

pinguthepenguin Fri 28-Dec-12 14:33:38

I'm pretty staggered at your husbands belief that he can comment on the behaviour of his sons brother, all of which, as another poster says is based on the sayings of an 11year old. To say he should move out at 18 years old is really harsh, and absolutely and completely not your husbands place to even suggest it. I also agree with other posters that the burden of deciding where he lives should not be placed on an 11year old without even bringing it up with his mum first. I would be furious at this behaviour. The adults need to talk about this before it's mentioned to the child. Given the distance between you, what you are proposing is a whole new life for him, which in itself could be a great thing, but needs careful management and none done through getting to the child first.

What is unfair is this whole financial situation you are in and I agree completely with others that you should not be subsidising others to live for free. I think this what your DH should be focusing on for now and let DS's bedroom situation be dealt with by the person's who's roof he is under at the time. Could you imagine how you'd feel if ex tried to dictate sleeping arrangements at yours? I honestly think you'll feel so much better ( and less resentful, which you understandably are) if you deal with the real issue at hand, which is the finances.

DreamsTurnToGoldDust Fri 28-Dec-12 17:27:50

You should never, never ask an 11 year old who they want to live with, could you imagine the stress and worry that would place on a child? I have absolutely no problem if a child lives with either parent, 50/50 can work well for some children, but this situation seems to be taken on the say of an 11 year old child which is complete madness. You know, sometimes children can say what they think you want to hear, my own Dss has done this in the past, Dh and his ex were very aware of this, and even though they werent the best of friends they spoke decently with regard to their son.

Absolutely, your Dh should not be paying totally for the MH and steps should be taken to resolve this immediately.

You seem to have a very strong negative opinion on this mother and her other children (which is totally natural) however from what you have said you have never even met them, of course your DH is going to be bitterly negative about her as a wife if she had continued affairs, but, that does not mean that she is a bad mother.

What would be best for this child is if your Dh and his ex wife grow up and put their bitterness to one side and do what is best for the child, by the sound of it, you all think the other side is failing this child, and each could do better. How nice for this boy to be piggy in the middle of warring parents.

izzyhasanewchangeling Fri 28-Dec-12 17:38:05

I agree with the last post under normal circumstances - but having dealt with an absolutely impossible ex who categorically refuses to put her children first it's not always That simple or straight forward.

DreamsTurnToGoldDust Fri 28-Dec-12 17:52:56

I have met some parents through work like you say izzy, but I`m going on reading the op and her subsequent posts. There is nothing to suggest in my eyes from whats been said that her Dhs ex is a bad mother, bad ex maybe but thats very different.

Stepmooster Fri 28-Dec-12 20:47:37

My DH initial thought was to try and start a dialogue with his ex regarding the bedroom issue and suggest that either the eldest stayed with his dad, or if that wasn't an option offer to have DSS FT here. He wasn't going to speak with DSS directly as kids do say things to please and we've already experienced that once.

But since there is a huge difference of opinion on the matter and DH are reading these posts and can't see how to go about it the 'right' way DH is going to sort out the charge first. See how the land lies and then decide what to do.

Regarding whether the ex is a bad mother or not, she has used reducing contact with DH as a way of punishment. Used to like to dictate to DH what weekends and when, holidays he could see his son (usually so she could go away on her own with now new husband). In my eyes that's not good parenting. But on the other hand I have never once thought I ought to be his mum instead or even act like that, only said nice things about her in front of DSS. Becuase your mum is your mum no matter what flaws they have.

DH doesnt want to ask DSS directly who he wants to live with, thinks its going to come across as, "who do you love most..." and that's not going to help anyone and probably upset DSS.

PoppyPrincess Sat 29-Dec-12 12:07:38

A solicitor told us that if DP's ex was to move another man in to the FMH then legally she has to buy him out within 6 months. I'd seek legal advice about that. In fact it surprises me that he's managed to get divorced without sorting the finances first.

In the short term if you really want to move then you could rent out your home and rent one closer to your DSS, more and more people are doing this now as it can be difficult to get a mortgage at the mo.

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