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Bedrooms at mums

(110 Posts)
Stepmooster Thu 27-Dec-12 11:55:18

DH and his EX are not on speaking terms all communication via sols. Contact issue just about resolved but now DH feels he has one battle to fight on behalf of his son and that is the bedroom situation. DSS11 lives with his mum and half siblings, and has to share a bedroom with his sister (my DH ex DSD) who is 15. Their brother who is 18 (my DH ex DSS) has his own room. 18 year old has quit college not making much effort to find a job and is still at home coming home at whatever AM after drinking with his mates.

DH does not want his DS to share a room with either of them. DH would like the 18 year old to move in with his dad (not my DH) or elsewhere, or for my DSS to live with us as he thinks sharing a room with a 15 year old girl is unhealthy and not much better with a layabout brother.

EX treats her eldest like he walks on water, so this is not going to go down well. DSS has says all the time he likes his bedroom, and came to stay for a week when he was ill so he could rest quietly. We live 50 miles away from DSS main home so we are talking moving schools etc if he does come here.

Is DH being unreasonable?

LineRunner Thu 27-Dec-12 19:00:38

The reason that your DH gets to realise the charge on the house upon his ExW's re-marriage is the belief that the new husband brings something into the new marriage.

I think it's natural to wonder why the new husband doesn't help sort out their living arrangements more comfortably, if you think he has the means to do so (maybe he doesn't, though?) but your DH can't really interfere, he can only realise the charge and suggest that the ExW and new husband organise their affairs as they see fit, if you genuinely believe that they do have an alternative.

Otherwise I guess you will have to accept the status quo.

AmberLeaf Thu 27-Dec-12 19:09:10

If they only speak through solicitors, how does your DH know so much about what goes on in his ex wifes home ie his step sons behavior etc?

Is that all based on what his 11 yr old is telling him?

He really has no right to say his ex wife should kick her son out!

Stepmooster Thu 27-Dec-12 19:09:52

Ok so DH needs to get DSS to talk to his mother about it and tell him he cant do anything. Should he make it clear he is welcome to live here or just forget it?

My DH has no problem in being reasonable its his ex who wanted to go through solicitors. And no he has never interfered in anything she does regarding parenting hes not breathing down her neck. This would be the first time he's considered wanting to discuss DSS welfare with her, other than when he asked for secondary school brochures and he agreed with her school choice.

Just out of interest how old does an adult child living at home rent free, at the expense of his brother and sister sharing become unreasonable?a

Stepmooster Thu 27-Dec-12 19:13:13

Yes DSS tells him about his brother, he told us over dinner a month ago that his brother dropped out of college when DH asked how his brother was getting on with his studies. And then told us he was looking for a job, but then later told us he is never home just out all night with his friends.

BOFingSanta Thu 27-Dec-12 19:14:13

It doesn't become unreasonable as long as his own mother is happy to facilitate it, I'm afraid. You simply don't get a say in it.

Arisbottle Thu 27-Dec-12 19:15:56

The fact that you talk about the home that your DH pays for and therefore he should have a say raises huge red flags for me.

We have paid for the home our stepson to live in, but now we have done so we have no say over how they live in that home.

DreamsTurnToGoldDust Thu 27-Dec-12 19:18:55

And if it's what Amber Leaf says then be very careful as 11 year old's have a tendency to stretch the truth. Your Dh does sound rather controlling especially in wanting to tell his ex to ask her son, your dss brother, to leave.

VBisme Thu 27-Dec-12 19:20:44

Look, it isn't practical for him to move in with you right now due to your geographical location.

When you do move his home siyuation may well have changed.

I think it's up to your SS to speak with his mum and stepdad to resolve the domestic issue. I don't think your DH or you should get involved.

How is his brother living at home "at the expense of", you do realise that there are families that have more children than bedrooms, most people seem to make it work.

Stepmooster Thu 27-Dec-12 19:23:08

DH wasnt interested in getting involved until DSS started complaining. I guess DH thinks he has to do something. He shall have to tell DSS that its up to his mum then.

I dunno if DSS is unhappy he may well want to live here he gets grief from his sister all the time.

LineRunner Thu 27-Dec-12 19:26:45

But an 11 year old and a 15 year old are bound to bicker, surely.

AmberLeaf Thu 27-Dec-12 19:27:33

I think you need a lot more to go on than what the 11 yr old is saying when prompted and even then, it is still not you or your DHs business really, unless of course the boy is in danger which it doesnt sound like at all.

Stepmooster Thu 27-Dec-12 19:35:33

How do we get more info to go on? Does DH not discuss these conversations at all with the mother? They do afterall have equal parenting rights?

DH actually find it sad to hear that his son and his sister are falling out as he felt she was his guardian when he left the marriage. The brother was a bit wayward when he was still living there and he thought he might end up like this. DH thinks hes a bad influence on DSS. DH would rather his brother moved out than split DSS and sister up. He can see his son wanting to live here if nothing changes in a year or two. despite what you may think he doesnt really want that. Is a sad situation seems like a chaotic home life for DSS.

purpleroses Thu 27-Dec-12 19:37:34

It's natural that your DP wants to sort thing out for his DS but he needs to accept that there are some things he sadly cannot fix. Most 18 year olds still live at home and it really is up to his mum to decide what's the best balance between the needs of everyone in her household.

DreamsTurnToGoldDust Thu 27-Dec-12 19:59:36

Sad situation? Fgs you and your dh are being completely dramatic, your making out your dss life is so awful when it sounds like many many families these days, siblings argue but underneath will love each other deeply, the economic climate makes it difficult for many people to upsize.

Stepmooster Thu 27-Dec-12 20:10:10

This on its own is not so bad add in other things such as DSS wanting to spend holidays with his dad and DH having to go through solicitors to achieve it. Hearing from DSS that his mother involved him on the financial settlement discussions which gave him night terrors at 8 years old. Seeing your DSS wearing clothes that are too small and tight knowing your DH pays a heck of a lot maintenance but mummy has a new car, been on holiday etc. Thats sad is it not?

Arisbottle Thu 27-Dec-12 20:35:03

My children are all well cared for but you can catch them in clothes that are too small .

Children are experts at make you look crap,

DreamsTurnToGoldDust Thu 27-Dec-12 20:53:35

How do you know he had night terrors and discuss financial matters with his mum? At eight I would imagine financial speak is all 'blah blah blah' to him. If your dh is so concerned why has he not addressed these matters with his solicitor? It all seems very odd tbh.

Stepmooster Thu 27-Dec-12 20:56:07

He had night terrors when he stayed with his dad. DSS told his dad that mummy told him that daddy wanted to sell the house and make them homeless. In June DSS wrote a letter to both his mum and dad asking to see his dad more and to see dad and mum at xmas time.

NatashaBee Thu 27-Dec-12 20:56:58

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Stepmooster Thu 27-Dec-12 21:02:27

My DH had addressed these matters with the solicitors. But there wasnt a lot he could do living with his parents.

LineRunner Thu 27-Dec-12 21:30:05

It's unusual for a man to still be paying the mortgage on a house being lived in by a new husband. How do you feel about that, if you don't mind me asking? (If you mind, just say so. It's ok.)

Arisbottle Thu 27-Dec-12 21:31:44

We happily paid for a house for the mother of a stepson knowing that one day she may move a new husband in. We just want our stepson to be happy and for that happen his mother needs to feel secure.

LineRunner Thu 27-Dec-12 21:33:28

But you are unusual (in a good way), I feel, Arisbottle.

Arisbottle Thu 27-Dec-12 21:34:02

I hope we are not, all parents should just want the best for their children.

VBisme Thu 27-Dec-12 21:39:16

Yes, but not all parents can afford to pay for 2 houses.....

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