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Bedrooms at mums

(110 Posts)
Stepmooster Thu 27-Dec-12 11:55:18

DH and his EX are not on speaking terms all communication via sols. Contact issue just about resolved but now DH feels he has one battle to fight on behalf of his son and that is the bedroom situation. DSS11 lives with his mum and half siblings, and has to share a bedroom with his sister (my DH ex DSD) who is 15. Their brother who is 18 (my DH ex DSS) has his own room. 18 year old has quit college not making much effort to find a job and is still at home coming home at whatever AM after drinking with his mates.

DH does not want his DS to share a room with either of them. DH would like the 18 year old to move in with his dad (not my DH) or elsewhere, or for my DSS to live with us as he thinks sharing a room with a 15 year old girl is unhealthy and not much better with a layabout brother.

EX treats her eldest like he walks on water, so this is not going to go down well. DSS has says all the time he likes his bedroom, and came to stay for a week when he was ill so he could rest quietly. We live 50 miles away from DSS main home so we are talking moving schools etc if he does come here.

Is DH being unreasonable?

purpleroses Thu 27-Dec-12 12:04:44

I don't think your DH has any buisiness telling his ex to evict her18 year old to make more space for his DS. That's her shout. Sharing with 15yo girl isn't ideal but probably better than either of them sharing with layabout 18yo.

But the living arrangements at his mum's are a factor in saying whether it might be better for your DSS to live with you.

CatchingMockingbirds Thu 27-Dec-12 12:05:54

How does the 11yr old feel about sharing a room?

orangeandlemons Thu 27-Dec-12 12:07:04

I thought it was against the law for opposite sex over the age of 13 to share a room. Probably entirely wrong though........

CatchingMockingbirds Thu 27-Dec-12 12:15:06

Where did you read that it was illegal? hmm

OodKingWenceslas Thu 27-Dec-12 12:31:14

That's a council house rule although many ignore it now

Arisbottle Thu 27-Dec-12 12:48:59

I think your husband should stop looking for one more argument to have and start building bridges with the mother of his children

Arisbottle Thu 27-Dec-12 12:49:00

I think your husband should stop looking for one more argument to have and start building bridges with the mother of his children

theredhen Thu 27-Dec-12 13:06:11

Whilst I can understand your concerns, it's actually not your or dp business.

Like another poster says, you can ask dss if he would like to live with you and then you can have a say in who he shares a room with.

purpleroses Thu 27-Dec-12 13:16:49

There's nothing illegal at all about any age/sex of kids sharing. If they're council tenants they could go on the list to be rehoused but v unlikely they'd get a 4 bedroom place for a long while.

Stepmooster Thu 27-Dec-12 13:28:53

Yes DSS has been moaning for ages about not having his own room. Think this is why DH feels he has to do something. If DSS was happy then DH wouldnt be worried. Hes no picking arguments. How best to approach the do you want to live with us question?

Arisbottle Thu 27-Dec-12 13:35:52

As a stepmother if my stepson was living in cramped conditions I would offer financial help, so they could move somewhere bigger .

CatchingMockingbirds Thu 27-Dec-12 13:38:45

He might want his own room stepmooster, but how does he feel about moving out of his mums house, moving 50 miles away from his friends and changing schools to achieve this?

Stepmooster Thu 27-Dec-12 13:41:19

Arisbottle my DH already pays more than csa rates and i have no money to give them, ex has re-married and her and her husband have brand new cars and foreign holidays away from the kids. If i were the stepfather I'd sell my house that he has sat empty and move to a bigger home. But thats just me.

Stepmooster Thu 27-Dec-12 13:44:57

I have no idea what DSS thinks until DH asks him. I just wanted to know if DH is being unreasonable to ask the ex to see if her eldest could move in with his dad who lives nearby to give the younger two their own rooms. Or failing that see if it might better if he lived here with us. He is going to a new school in sept anyway.

Arisbottle Thu 27-Dec-12 13:51:20

It is not unreasonable to ask, if done in the right way.

Why doesn't your stepson spend half the week with you anyway?

Stepmooster Thu 27-Dec-12 13:58:33

He doesnt spend half the week with us because we live too far from his school - 50 miles away.

DH lives in my home we cant move because DH pays mortgage of FMH and I cant afford to buy a house in their area on my salary.

LineRunner Thu 27-Dec-12 14:05:56

Your DH needs to build some bridges, so as to be able to communicate, like Arisbottle says. Otherwise you'll end up causing unnecessary conflict for an 11 year old child.

The adults have to actually be the adults here. That means drawing a line and stepping over it, and moving on. And helping each other be parents. I would honestly love it if my ExH were to genuinely offer this. Too much time and energy has been wasted in guilty grudges and bitterness and judging.

Arisbottle Thu 27-Dec-12 14:06:58

It seems a very difficult situation all round , my DH would not live so far away from his son. Do you have children together? Is there no way he can live closer to his son?

Stepmooster Thu 27-Dec-12 14:23:20

My DH was living with his parents (not local to his son either but closer than here) when i met him, so naturally seeing as I had a house he moved in with me. My DH left the marriage due to his ex having had affairs, and long before i came along. His ex has only just via sols agreed to eoweekend, 5 weeks holiday time and eo birthday and xmas. We have talked about moving closer, and hoped that once ex re-married a year ago that she'd release my DH from the mortgage so we could move.

We have a baby together dss loves his sister, he also loves my sisters baby boy, and calls my dad grandad. They live near me and we see them a lot. We have never asked him to call my dad grandad or expected him to call my sister aunt.

DH happy to draw a line not so sure his ex is, seeing as DH had to fight for what i think is fair contact.

Arisbottle Thu 27-Dec-12 14:56:16

His wife's affairs etc are nothing to do with anything. I am not judging your husband for leaving his wife, as I said I am a stepmother myself.

Ideally your husband would live closer so he could have his son 50% of the time

VBisme Thu 27-Dec-12 15:03:58

I don't think that you can make any comment on the bedroom situation in the ex home.

Stepmooster Thu 27-Dec-12 15:32:40

Arisbottle but you are judging you say that because my DH lives with me that i should either pay for his ex and her family to live in a bigger house and then get a sly dig in that your DH would never live away from his kids. I mention the affairs because it reads to me that you seem to think that my DH walked out on his family to live miles away. My DH and I would move closer but until the ex and her husband take over the mortgage we cant. Perhaps they have no money and cant then he is suggesting DSS live here so the other kids have their own rooms. Or maybe my DH should force his ex to sell now she remarried so we can move near to DSS school and both his siblings go and live with their dad and their mum live with her husband in his house.

LineRunner Thu 27-Dec-12 15:37:19

OP, I'm just think that the normal divorce arrangement is for the parent with care of the DCs (in this case, as in most cases, the former wife) to stay living in the marital home until the DCs are grown up or until she re-marries. The departing husband has a charge on the house, unless the wife buys him out.

So the house should be getting sold anyway, unless your husband took a settlement in lieu?

Arisbottle Thu 27-Dec-12 15:49:44

I am not judging, my husband left the mother of his child in similar circumstances.

You asked what I would do and I said, it need to be you directly paying your husband could pay, if you are living together and have a child you are a financial unit so it is all semantics .

The fact is that he has left to live miles away, he may not have chosen to leave, he may have felt pushed out and that may have been right thing to do - as it was with my husband - but he chose to live away from his child, which is not a decision all men would take. If I has asked my husband to move in with me, 50 miles from his child he would have refused. That is not a sky dig, it is a statement of fact.

When my husband left his wife, he left her the house and paid off the mortgage when we could afford it so that his son would always have a secure home. We are lucky however that the mother of his son always has put her son first, is she would not move anyone else in that would impact her existing child negatively. She is in a new relationship and is planning to marry and it has not entered our heads to ask for the house back or for any proceeds from a sale.

Blending a number of existing families , as has happened here, can be a logistical nightmare. I do feel for you. In your situation I would try and move as soon as possible so that your husband can be near his son.

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