I have two DSDs; the eldest is currently 9, the youngest is 8. Both DSDs live with me and my OH (their biological mother (BM)). The formal arrangement, which has been in place for a few years, is that they see their Biological Dad (BD) every other weekend, every Friday, and either every Tuesday or Thursday - basically they see him a lot and if ever they want to see him or speak to him outside of this they are free to do so - something we encourage and something he wants. So far so good.
About 18 months ago the kid's BD moved into a new house with his new OH; about 12 months ago he and she had a new baby. Good for them.
Over the course of the last year our eldest DSD has been wanting to see her BD less and less; she has stopped wanting to sleep at his house all together and is now starting to refuse to see him at all. Not good for anyone (I think?)
There is some obvious stuff in here in that the eldest DSD (DSD1) had undivided attention for 18 months from both biological parents (BPs) before DSD2 came long, at which point DSD1 had to share the BPs with DSD2. Then when the kid's BD lived on his own both DSDs had him to themselves when they saw him, then when he moved in with his new OH they had to share him with her. And then when the new baby came along both DSDs had to share their BD with his new OH and his new baby. So it's been diminishing time alone for DSD1 with her BD from when she was 18 months old.
There is some less obvious stuff in here in that both DSDs tell us that their BD's new OH has had words with the DSDs along the lines of "don't wreck my house in the same way you wreck your own house" (I can't blame her for that) which has made DSD1 not like her much, or to be more accruate not like going round their BD's new house where DSD1 feels she is not in control (DSD2 is 'totally' fine wth all of this and appears to love the new baby). Also, both DSDs had their own bedrooms at their BD's new house and where DSD1 has been refusing to go round to the BD's new house the BD decided to give one of the two bedrooms to his new mother in law when she stays and consequently make both DSDs share a bedroom. This makes sense on paper as DSD1 had pretty much stopped sleeping there when this happened, although (understandably) in the eyes of DSD1 this is another reduction in how much she feels her BD is focusing on her. Finally, DSD1 can be a selfish little cow whereas DSD2 is a bit more balanced.
My problem now is that DSD1 is refusing to even see her BD at all, this has been happening for a couple of weeks after consistently deteriorating over the past year. I can hear the screaming in the background as I'm typing this as her BD is coming round in 5 minutes to take them out for a mince pie (this year he is having them boxing day and we are having them Christmas day, it alternates each year).
I strongly believe both DSDs should see their BD regularly and as agreed. My OH, the kid's BM, believes that forcing DSD1 to see her BD will end up in DSD1 hating her BD, which no one wants to happen.
What should I do when DSD1 refuses to go out the front door with her BD when he calls for a planned meeting? DSD1 is admirably strong willed and sees this as another control issue.
Short of physically dragging DSD1 out of the house, something I'm not allowed to do, I don't know what to do with this. DSD1 is not materialistic in the slightest and can't be persuaded by such things as having her Christmas presents taken away. In general she can be a little selfish cow when she isn't getting what she wants; when I was her age I'd have received a few smacked bums and that would have been that, these days though that isn't an option.
From my own selfish perspective with DSD1 refusing to see her dad, and my OH refusing to use baby sitters, we don't get any time to ourselves anymore, but I don't want that to be the focus of this thread.
What d'ya reckon? Should DSD1 be forced to see he BD? If so, how?
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DSD1 (the eldest of 2 DSDs) refuses to see her biological dad
35 replies
stairdad · 24/12/2012 10:42
OP posts:
Smudging ·
24/12/2012 12:17
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Message withdrawn at poster's request.
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