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Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

Step-parenting

Telephone ckntact

11 replies

pinguthepenguin · 22/12/2012 13:53

Just wondering what people think is reasonable.

When My dd (5) is with dad for a week or more in the holidays ( as she is right now) I'd like to be able to speak to her every other day. I think every day would be unreasonable, but ex thinks that wanting to speak to dd every other day is disruptive for her??
I disagree. DD herself said she would like to talk to me every day, but I wouldn't ask for that. She is still really small, and what he is saying is that in a week long period, I should only be allowed to speak to her twice?
Ex and I are not on good terms right now,
and him being hostile to telephone contact is not helping.

What do you think?

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purpleroses · 22/12/2012 19:18

I agree with you. If my DCs are with their dad just for a weekend I don't usually call but if it's a longer time then every other day is what feels about right to me. My ex is OK about that. Your DD may not actually need it but as her main carer I think there's nothing wrong in admitting that you need it.

My DSC's mum doesn't call regularly but DSC are a bit older. It wouldn't bother me or DP if she did. Every other day if they're away longer than normal is fair enough I think.

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Daddelion · 22/12/2012 19:24

Is he allowed to phone every other day?

I've never quite got this being allowed to phone your children at certain times.

Even when we weren't very amicable at the beginning the children could phone the other parent when they wanted and vice versa.

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pinguthepenguin · 22/12/2012 19:44

Yes of course- he can call whenever he wants, I've never actually made or even discussed a restriction of any kind. We are going through the court process at the minute and this is something I asked to be cleared up. He is adamant that I am not to speak to dd more than every 3rd day. The irony of this is that he accuses me of trying to interfere/damage/limit/obstruct his relationship with dd. I can't reason with him that being hostile towards my telephone contact with her is exactly all the things he says I am

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Nonnus · 25/12/2012 18:46

My DC now aged 8 and 11 speak to their dad every day and have done since we split up 7 years ago. It's a PITA but I wouldn't dream of suggesting he call less often. Your ex is BU.

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CatchingMockingbirds · 25/12/2012 18:55

My DS is 5 too and when he spends a similar time with his dad, infact any time at all, I don't call. I leave them too it and don't interfere, but if it's something that you really think has to happen then I agree with your ex sorry, every 3rd day sounds more reasonable.

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pinguthepenguin · 26/12/2012 11:23

Catch- I don't see it as 'interfering' though? Im calling to speak to my dd, ex and I don't talk at all. I think therein lies the problem, ex (imho) is making this about how he feels, rather than dd.

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NotaDisneyMum · 26/12/2012 12:15

It does depend how the phone contact impacts on their own family life, though.

Reminders of Mummy, via phone, can make DCs sad even if they are having fun with their Dad - this came out at my DSS counselling.
DSS didn't need the level of contact his Mum wanted to maintain (and conversely, wanted more phone contact with DP who wasn't calling him between visits) and eventually DSS learned how to express that. For a long time, all DP and I knew was that phone calls from Mum disrupted and unsettled DSS - if she called during meals, for instance, he would be unable to finish his food afterwards. It wasn't easy.

Unfortunately, we didn't have the option of managing the calls with DSS making them - his Mum isn't always available so discourages DSS from calling her as it's inconvenient.

DP did eventually sort it - with a few hiccups even now - but it was very messy.

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pinguthepenguin · 26/12/2012 13:09

I do agree that it is different for everyone. If dd didn't want to talk to me, i wouldn't force the issue, but she does. Also- what this comes down to for me, is that I just would not dream of controlling how often my ex wanted to speak to his own child. I just wouldn't do that and the hostility of that smacks to me as nothing to do with how DD feels.

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NotaDisneyMum · 26/12/2012 14:22

pingu be careful of placing too much responsibility on your DDs shoulders; despite her young age, she is more than capable of behaving/responding to the emotions she feels, even if she can't label them.

Telling you that she wants to speak to you every day should not be used as a way of determining what is best for her - that can only be achieved through discussion with her Dad about how she responds to the calls from each of you.

I realise that it is not possible for you and he to do that at the moment as you are in conflict - but don't fall into the trap of placing the responsibilities with your DD instead - I've seen the damage that does.

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CatchingMockingbirds · 26/12/2012 16:07

I didn't say you seen it as interfering ? I said I did but if it was something you felt was important then fine. You asked for opinions so I was giving my experience...

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pinguthepenguin · 26/12/2012 16:24

Well yes exactly- you see it as interfering, I dont. your opinion is different from mine, it doesn't mean either of us are wrong. I appreciate everyone's input- even if it differs from mine.
Disney, the issue I have is that up until now he was always happy for me to chat to dd every other day or so. Now he has stopped that and I dont believe his reasons are in dd's interests.