Strongly dislike my partners son?

[Kerbstick]

I have been having some problems with my partners son recently and it's came to the point where I can't see my relationship with my partner lasting because if it. I would appreciate any advice you have on the subject.

I have been with my partner for 4 years now and I really got on with his son who is now 7 years old.

Lately I find I strongly dislike my stepson, he is very rude. He butts into conversations constantly even when I've asked him repeatedly not to. He shouts at me to shut up if he doesn't like what I say. (being told to shut up 20 times a day is infuriating)
He will ask a question and I will answer it and he will completely ignore me and ask his father. I feel he shows me no respect. He refuses to go to bed before 11pm most evenings and I am fed up asking my partner to put him to his bed. He screams non stop, there is just non stop pointless noise! He has my partner waiting on hand and foot for him, if he wants a drink he demands it and my partner will do it. My partner still dresses him in the mornings or it would not get done, a 7 year old should be doing these things himself! I feel my partner tries to over compensate because he only sees his son on weekends, he wants to be more of a friend than a parent. He looks at his son through Rose tinted glass and does not see any issues with his behavior.


I find myself trying to get out the house as often as possible or locking myself in another room just to get away from him. I don't know how much more I can take.

[RubyrooUK]

Sorry things are tough Kerbstick.

But it sounds like it is your partner who is the problem here, not your step-son. If he won't put his son to bed till 11pm, you probably have a very tired and irritable child, making the situation worse.

Obviously your step-son should not be telling you to shut up. But again, this is where your partner needs to step in and say something firmly or talk to his son and find out why this is happening.

The whole business about getting dressed may be because your step-son is feeling anxious or insecure so displaying babyish behaviour. My friend's son did something similar when he was facing a tough time at school.

Again, this is something where your partner needs to take control and be the adult. My friend talked to her son about the issue, then said that he was old enough to put on his own clothes, and with that in mind, why didn't they do X activity? She then went off to "get ready" herself and her son did indeed get dressed. He soon forgot to ask her to get him dressed when he felt better.

I'm not minimising any of your issues. But it sounds like your partner is the one who needs to sort this out.

[difficultpickle]

He sounds like a not untypical 7 yr old imvho. It is a phase and will pass but as you aren't his mum you can walk away from it whenever you like. The rest of us deal with the behaviour and know it will pass and continue to love them regardless.

[ChippingInAWinterWonderland]

Agree here too - your problem is not the actual child but the adult acting like a child.

You don't sound like the step mother from hell, not at all.

[ChippingInAWinterWonderland]

I bet the wee boy is a right nightmare when he goes back to his Mum's too - she's probably as fed up with it as you are :(

[ChippingInAWinterWonderland]

In the meantime - while you are deciding what to do about it... you don't have to put up with being ignored or spoken to rudely by any child. Get him told - if you DP says a single thing about that, get him told too.

[Kerbstick]

Thank you all for your inputs. A long talk with my partner will be taking place tomorrow when the child goes back to his mothers!

[Moominsarescary]

I agree, the problem is with your partner, not the child.

[ChippingInAWinterWonderland]

Apart from telling him how this is impacting on you and your feelings about him, stress to him what a HUGE diservice he is doing to his child. He might think he's being a 'cool' parent but in fact he isn't. I bet his ex would like to twat him over the head, you are starting to dislike the child - others will too. Before he knows it he will be a 14 year old telling him to fuck off on a regular basis. Kids need boundaries.

Good Luck in getting through to him.

Let us know how you get on.

[toomuchturkeyatendofthedinner]

If my 6 year old Ds wasn't going to bed till 11 he would be horrific the next day. I am shuddering at the very thought. Your partner needs to set some behaviour rules when he is with you both, starting with getting the kid some sleep!!

[CatchingMockingbirds]

From what you've posted it doesn't sound to me like you're the step-mum from hell, but it definitely sounds like your partner is the problem here. I hope the talk goes well.

[Xalla]

I have an almost 7 year old DSD and her behaviour has been pretty hard work recently. Not sure if it's an age thing - she's our oldest so haven't had any previous experience with 7 year olds before! I would say recently her behaviour has become very irritating though; she's ungrateful, dishonest, very loud, very defiant, always interrupting etc. She's also started playing all the adults in her life off against each other (not very successfully as we all communicate fairly well) and is being vile to her siblings!
My DH is very good at the discipline stuff. He picks her up constantly and sends her to her room, puts on the naughty step etc. The boundaries are clear and slowly, things are starting to improve. He makes sure she's in bed by 8pm each night - we've had quite enough quite by that time! Plus a kid of that age still needs 10+ hours sleep.
The talk with your partner is long overdue; it's his responsbility to encourage his son to grow into a decent human being. Chipping has put it perfectly.
Also, you're well within your rights to state quite simply when it happens that you will not tolerate being told to 'shut up' and X will happen (confiscate a DS or something) if he persists in being so rude to you. It's your house too!

Good luck.

[Kaluki]

I agree. I have had the same talk wit my DP and the thing that hit home was when I told him people avoid us because of his Dcs behaviour and if he didnt sort it out hey would grow up to be horrible unpopular adults with no friends!!
Harsh but true

[HungryHippo89]

I went through the same thing with my DP and my DSD (also 7) ... It was an awful time ... and to be perfectly honest ... it hasn't all completely changed ... but she is no longer rude to me (still struggles with her manners though) and she now has a bed time (DP used to let her watch TV downstairs with us untill she fell asleep). She also asks questions and will ignore me if I answer it for her. She loves to interrupt me and DP when we are having a conversation (or any other adult for that matter) ... But we just introduced a simple thing of "if I have to tell you more than twice to stop/do something - bed at 7" seems to be doing the trick for now and when she interrupts I just ignore her and give her "the look" when i've finished ... You need to talk to you DP and tell him you need to come up with some rules together for the house but I also think you don't deserve for somebody to be so rude to you even if it is a 7 year old kid ... I don't think you should leave your DP to stand up for you when you are being told to shut up ... Stand up for yourself and you tell him off as he is disrespecting you!!!

[perceptionInaPearTree]

I also agree that he is going to be a very bad mood if he goes to bed at 11pm! No tired child is ever reasonable imo.

OP, you are having a rough patch with him, but I don't think the issue here is that he is not your biological child so try not to see it that way. We all have phases that our dcs go through. I'm starting to see the effects of hormones on my nearly 9 year old dd! I also have a 3 year old dd who is like the girl with the curl from the rhyme!

Have you tried positive reinforcement? Perhaps use a chart so that he can earn points for going to bed on time and for good behaviour - he earns a reward.

Finally, is it possible that something is happening at school which may be upsetting him?

[perceptionInaPearTree]

Also, try not to dislike him. He's only 7 and you have been a part of his life from a young age. Children cannot be blamed for their behaviour.

[Xalla]

Re. the positive reinforcement...we're using marbles. One marble goes in a jar for anything good. One gets removed for REALLY bad behaviour (the idea is that far more go in than go out). Once the jar is full the kids get to choose a treat (up to the value of £10 - ours don't get pocket money so this is instead of not as well as). So far my DSD's been quite enthusiastic (determined to fill her jar before DS does obviously...)!

[Sweetiepie12]

Hi 👋🏽