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Dc vs dsc

(6 Posts)
Incrediblemeee Mon 03-Dec-12 15:22:25

Hi, I'm having a bit of a dilemma, and don't know if to speak up or hold my tongue. I have at times reminded my dp that he was originally very enthusiastic about living with me and my ds (14), even before we moved in together into a new house which would also accommodate regular and frequent visits by his dd (15) and ds (12). My ds has a good relationship with his dad and sm, and is also very fond of his sd. We've been living together for 3 years exactly. Unfortunately my dp will undertake activities with my ds and then later seem to regret them, i.e. will feel totally guilty towards his own ds and then does weird making up stuff. In a nutshell, this time he took my ds to the cinema and it turned out to be the greatest film ever and I was inundated with details and Internet trailers etc. Now dp intends to give his ds a DVD of said film, which he has never seen and which by the way I feel is too violent for him, even though I casually mentioned that my ds might have liked that as a xmas present too. As a memento of a shared activity, rather rare with teenagers anyway... He has plenty of common interests and things to do with ds but I feel he just cannot get over the idea of liking two boys and OMG sharing his time and perhaps even love among them. I in turn am fully expected to give and share and love etc. regarding his dc. He has agreed to marriage counseling in two weeks on many similar issues and I don't want to hog the stage, is there any advice out there for me on how to be more casual about these reactions which I am afraid will likely hurt my ds feelings? Thanx!

witchofmiddx Mon 03-Dec-12 17:04:49

I am having similar problems so although can't offer much advice, just wanted to sympathise. Dh will only spend quality time with my ds only if his own are out of sight. I suspect your dp is worried about jealousy between the two boys. Surely with regards to xmas presents they are all treated equally (age appropriately)? It also sounds like your dp is battling feelings of guilt towards his ds, hence all the making up. This is a huge issue for me and i have made my feelings on the subject crystal clear to dh and i can see he is making some effort although i have to accept he will always consider his own before mine.

Incrediblemeee Mon 03-Dec-12 20:04:55

Thanks for replying, it's the "some effort" you refer to which of course makes all the difference, causing anything from mild frustration to angry resentment in mums. Every child deserves recognition and adult men should not be so cowardly. I often feel he is still under the exs thumb, she once accused him of spending more time with dss than with own ds! Well obviously as we are living together, but since then he has been very cautious, if not caustic in his relations to my ds. I sincerely hope the counseling will be of use and will post results.

Kaluki Tue 04-Dec-12 11:40:20

I have the same problem and have had this out with DP over the weekend.
He barely has anything to do with my kids because he feels disloyal to his own whereas I on the other hand am expected to do everything for his dc, I feed them, do their washing, ironing, wash dsd's hair and help her get dressed, often when my own kids aren't at home - all of which I am happy to do, but he can barely hold a conversation with my kids yet will tell them off if he thinks they aren't being fair to his dc.
It all came to a head on Saturday when the dc all wanted to play on the Ipad and he announced that his dc can be on it longer as they aren't here all week and my dc are - WTF???
I too made my feelings crystal clear and he has promised to make more effort so we will see.

PoppyPrincess Tue 04-Dec-12 13:07:35

I used to have similar problems with DP and we also went for relationship counselling and I'm glad to say he has improved.
Our children are all quite young though so it was different scenarios but it used to end up that my DS would always be getting punished things but DSS and DSD got away with blue murder. He'd treat his 2 but forget about mine etc etc. it was only after pointing things out time after time and explaining what should happen (eg you get something for 1 kid then you get it for all of them) that he's now improved. It still happens from time to time but he is better.
Our counsellor got us to both write down on a piece of paper what we both wanted, for our relationship and for the kids and funnily enough we both wrote pretty much the same things.
It might be good to do something similar, write down how you would like it to be and what you think is right and fair, he do it too and you make a decision together. Then if he is treating the kids differently then you can remind him of the agreement u made

Incrediblemeee Tue 04-Dec-12 16:18:28

Thanks for all the great replies, specially Poppy for the list idea. Will give that a try before we go to the counseling as dh has already expressed the fear of being dumped on. Although that fear is actually pretty reasonable...

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