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clutching at straws here, I think it's over, Disney dad has killed our relationship

(14 Posts)
MadamFolly Sun 02-Dec-12 19:51:48

Since you live apart can you just refuse to have any contact with SD at all?

She will be leaving home in just a few years hopefully then you can have a more normal relationship.

helpyourself Fri 30-Nov-12 09:23:10

I really feel for you. You're definitely the innocent party here. You're doing the right thing prioritising your daughter's well being. Be strong and know that you are right to disengage from the relationship. Still hurts though.

Xalla Fri 30-Nov-12 05:40:08

Oh your poor thing. That sounds even harder...

I don't think you've got much to lose by calling SS yourself if you're at breaking point with your DP anyway. Actually if DSD is really ill she might be admitted to a psych unit for a while and then you and DP would have some breathing space / her Mum would be forced to refocus her energies on her daughter instead of frustrating yours and DP's relationship.

To me it sounds like your DSD desperately needs full-on professional help. My son just turned 4 and when I picked him up from nursery a few weeks ago I was horrified to be told he'd bitten another kid. I confiscated his comfort blanket for the first time ever that night (big deal for a 4 year old)!

A FIFTEEN year old shouldn't be biting FGS (seemingly without any consequences). That's very disturbed behaviour for teen. I mean biting is just about acceptable / understandable for toddlers who can't express themselves but I know I came down on my son like a ton of bricks because I felt it was utterly unacceptable behaviour from a 4 year old. If I had a teen doing it I'd be tearing my hair out with worry.

Call SS if you can!

Kaluki Thu 29-Nov-12 18:54:06

I'm so sorry humpty but I think you are running out of options here.
I agree with whoever said SS should be called about this girl. She is out of control and something must be done for her sake as well as the other people she might hurt.
As for you and your DP I think it can't go on like this. It's half a life you are leading, snatching moments together away from his dd and he is letting this happen. I think you deserve better sad
Being honest DP and I wouldn't be together if he had his dc full time and we definitely wouldn't be together if he allowed one of his kids to bite mine.
I feel for you because it's obvious how much you love him but you know deep down that until he can step up and parent his kids properly then the future isn't looking good for you both as a couple.
Sorry sad

humptydidit Thu 29-Nov-12 15:19:14

ray75 No we don't live together, just 2 minutes walk apart. And like you suggested, I have already set up the house rules for my house.

It is such a shame to have to go to such lengths for a teenager.

Ray75 Thu 29-Nov-12 11:24:54

OP you dont say if you live together? if you do I would suggest a break to get things straight in both your heads.
For me after the bite incident i would have gone down the route of 'she can not come here until she has got help for the sake of the other kids' Its not healthy or normal for a kid of 15 to be biting like that, we all know toddlers go through it.
As said wha else does he eed under his nose to realise outside help is needed and tuff love...
thinking of you

humptydidit Thu 29-Nov-12 11:24:01

xalla at the moment dsd spends virtually no time in my house at all. We only live 2 minutes walk apart. I have already put in place household rules in my house, which were mainly for the benefit of dsd and dss. Dss has responded very welll to having boundaries and seems to be thriving on it.

I have been clear that in my house, it is my rules and dsd chooses not to visit because of that I think, well in part at least.

Dsd and dss are not my kids, I have 3 of my own, but none together with him.

humptydidit Thu 29-Nov-12 11:20:23

What makes it even harder is that dp and me are both full time single parents. Neither of us are ever child free at all. My kids have zero contact with their dad and his have limited contact with their mum.... so it is relentless.

That is in no way an excuse.... But I think dp in particular has been living in this way for so long, that he hasn't realised how bad it has got.

We have had a very long chat this morning about the whole thing and I have been clear that I can't change things, he has to, but I am more than willing to help him and stand by his side through it.

I know it's going to be a long road and a hard one, but I think it has to be worth it and I'm not ready to walk away yet!

Xalla Thu 29-Nov-12 09:47:53

Leave him. Or better, ask him to leave. Even if it's just for a short time.

I think he needs a shock. Are your kids also his kids?

How about raising DSD's behaviour to SS? She's just about young enough for them to get involved isn't she? Maybe they can help with getting her to the GP? She needs help. Not your problem really but maybe you'd be doing DP a favour by taking matters out of his hands.

How much time does DSD spend at your home? Can you say you're not prepared to have her there anymore based on the aggression she's levelling at her younger siblings?

I'm so sorry you're going through this. It sounds really hard sad

MrsBucketxx Thu 29-Nov-12 07:57:34

i really feel for his children they are being let down on all sides.

i think a bit of space will give you both time to think.

tell him what you have said above and leave it in his hands, he he wants to make it work and step up he will, if not you know what his true colours are anyway.

humptydidit Thu 29-Nov-12 07:56:36

I have sat up all night breaking my heart over this. And am struggling to keep it togeter to get my kids to school.

It's so sad because I really do love him. this is the real thing for me. And we could be so good together apart from all of this

primigravida Thu 29-Nov-12 07:53:07

That is a really difficult situation for you. I think you need to put the safety of your kids first by ensuring that they no longer have any contact with your dsd. It definitely sounds like she needs help. This must be so hard for you, but I think leaving your dp could be the wake up call he needs to ensure that his dd gets the help she needs. Also your children need to live in a home without worrying about being hurt or actually being hurt. I really feel for you.

DharmaBumpkin Thu 29-Nov-12 07:47:39

Walk away.

Sorry, but if he has all this staring him in the face and still won't take any action, then he is complicit in the train wreck (albeit unwilling, but still) and I think your gut is telling you that.

humptydidit Thu 29-Nov-12 07:43:55

Omg, I'm devastated.

In my head I know that our relationship is dying and my heart is breaking..... And the crux of it is dp and his disney dad behaviour.

He cannot seem to rid himself of the poisonous ex-wife and he cannot stand up to dsd (15).

I can see that he is like a rabbit in headlights and terrified that whichever move he makes, he will get hurt but at the end of the day he is losing me fast because he refuses to parent his dsd.

Yesterday my dd (7) disclosed at school that dsd bit her (an incident over the summer holidays, following which my kids are NEVER left with her unsupervised). Looking back now I see that I should have walked then, but I didn't, I was in shock.
Back to yesterday, dd's school did a no names consultation with social services on the grounds of what dd said to them and social services said no further action as I had already taken steps to keep my kids safe.

However, on Monday, dsd bit dss (12) in a fight over the tv remote.

Dp cannot see what is right in front of his face. He said himself that dsd neeeds help. She also self harms etc etc etc. And he said if social services stepped in then maybe she would get the help she needs, but he won't go to the gp and ask for a referral for her.

There's more to it than just this. AFter the fight with dss and dsd, dsd rang her mum saying what happened and dp spent 25 minutes on the phone to her getting told off by ex-wife for favouring one child over the other etc etc etc.

Dsd, egged on by ex-wife is desparate to split me and dp up. I took a step back and disengaged from her. But now, I can basically only see dp when dsd is out because it's just not worth the agro otherwise.

Dsd, again fuelled by ex-wife has said that she doesn't want to spend christmas with me or my kids. I just agreed because it wasn't worth the fight and we will have our christmas on boxing day. But in my heart, I'm so upset.

If I'm honest, although I can understand what he's scared of, I'm wondering how I can have a future with somebody who is too frightened to parent their own child. And is actually bordering on neglecting her, by refusing to seek help for her when she is so desperately mixed up.

The trouble is thought, that I love him. When it's just us, it's all perfect and I've never been happier. But I just can't take the rollercoaster ride for much longer. The amazing highs, followed within hours by crashing lows are just killing me. So many times I have been hurt, by dsd or ex-wife or both starting something that dp can't finish and watching them shit all over him breaks my heart.

I feel so powerless. I am a strong person. I could help him, if he let me, but I can do it alongside him, I can't make him do it.

Any advice please???

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