DP and I have been together for 18 months, living together for almost a year. I have no children; he has 3 (8, 4, 2), with us every other week.
In many ways we're lucky - DSCs and I get on very well, and I do a lot of their parenting, just because I do what feels natural. We're all happy with the result. We all know I'm not their mum, but so what? When it's just the 5 of us in our home, there's no issue - we are what we are, we all love each other, and we're happy. We call ourselves a family - DSD1 in particular loves to do that.
My problem (and I do believe it's my problem, although not one I'll be able to solve alone) starts once it's not just us, our family. I'm normally reasonable and rational, but I'm becoming obsessed with the idea that other people don't see me as part of this family, that I'm something that's tacked on but not really part of it, and this idea is starting to poison everything. I don't know who I am any more. It doesn't matter to DP or my DSCs - I'm just Morien - but it matters to me. I suspect that if I had DCs of my own it would be easier (easier for me but harder for everyone else, maybe).
I think things would be easier if DP would stand up for me in public, but for that to happen he'll need to understand the problem. He's trying really hard, but he's not there. As far as he's concerned things are perfect; he says it's so obvious to him that things are great (which they are) that he can't understand why I care what other people think. I am exhausted from trying to explain that it's not so much a question of what others think, more a question of me needing to find my place in society (a society which isn't mad keen on stepmothers, as we know). DP said last night that he and DSCs give me my place in the family, why isn't that enough? And I don't know the answer - why isn't it enough?
After an incident yesterday when I got upset at a throw-away comment from the wife of DP's friend and then spent the evening in tears (I swear I don't recognise myself), DP suggested that we see a counsellor together. We agree that we have a great relationship and that we need to stop this coming between us - but I was particularly encouraged to hear him say, 'I think my main problem is that I don't fully understand what your problem is, and maybe someone neutral will help me understand.'
I'm confused because I never expected being a SM to be an easy ride - but I expected more tangible problems with my DSCs, not this intangible identity crisis which is actually nothing to do with them. I'm sure much of it is in my head but I feel that I've stopped seeing things clearly - I've no idea what's me and what's not, and I don't know any other SMs (well, there's my mum, but she was the original wicked SM so perhaps not the best example). I've been lurking on MN for a few weeks and these threads have given me a lot of comfort - I'm not alone! I would really appreciate it if any of you would take the time to share your experiences if you've been through similar things to me.
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Step-parenting
Struggling to find my place in society as SM
27 replies
Morien · 26/11/2012 14:47
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