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Having a Baby when there is a DSD?

(10 Posts)
HungryHippo89 Wed 21-Nov-12 12:27:49

I am really looking for some advice on this...
Me and OH want to start trying to have a baby but he has DSD aged 7(only child)...We weren't thinking of doing it immediatley because we have a few debts with the family we have to clear up first ... we have wrote a plan up for this and debts will be cleared by May. However there are a few things i'm VERY concerned about if we were to have our own child .. I was just wondering if anybody else has gone through this and how you actually managed to get through it ...
1) How to tell DSD they are going to be a big Sister? How is she going to react?
2)How is DSD's mum going to react when she finds out dad and me are having a child of our own?
3) Do SC's tend to attentionseek more in this kind of situation?
4) I think mine and OH baby won't be nowhere near as precious to OH's parents and they will try and over compensate with DSD for having a new brother/sister around and spoil her (even more) rotten then what she is spoilt right now. (I don't mind the grand parents spoiling DSD but will they treat them equally?)

These 4 things and the debt are the main things in stopping me having my own children ... I can sort the debt out but i could really do with some advice or sharing of past experiences for the above. Also Not really related to the "step-parenting" thread but I was wondering how do people tell their parents (also another part of having children that makes me feel VERY nervous) my parents want me to be older with my own house and a proper career before having children ... (I'm 23 will be 24 by the time i start trying and 25 if i catch straight away when i give birth i don't think that's too young - also i live in a rented 3 bedroom house and i've had a steady sales job since i was 18 - what more do they want?)

Any advice would be greatley appreciated x

purpleroses Wed 21-Nov-12 16:53:23

My ex had a baby last year with his new DW. In my experience the answers to your questions are:
1) She'll probably be delighted, esp if you phrase it as a new baby sibling for her.
2) She will not be delighted - she'll feel anxious her DD will be pushed out, aware that her ex's attention, time, money, space in the house, etc will all be more stretched, and possibly a bit jelous of her ex having moved on and of everyone else being excited. If she's a decent person she'll keep these feelings to herself, but don't expect her to share your excitement.
3) Probably, yes. Though probably no more than any elder child with a new baby. My eldest was delighted at DC2 at first, but more jelous when she started becoming more of her own person and more troublesome. And at 7 your DSD should be old enough to be no longer feeling like a baby herself which should help
4) I'm surprised at this concern - they may dote on DSD now, but that's because she's the only one (only grandchild?) surely? Noone dotes on an unborn child. I'm sure they'll love a new one just as much in time wouldn't they?

Re your parents - who knows? I was 24 when pregnant with DC1 (not planned). My mum was a bit shocked, but my dad was pacing up and down muttering "Grandad!" with a huge smile on his face within minutes of being told grin

pecans Wed 21-Nov-12 17:24:32

1) We waited until three months to tell him - he cheered.
2) Your Dh should tell her and deal with any fall-out. This is not a reason not to have a child.
3) A bit - mine had some challenging behaviour, because I think he was worried he was being replaced. So they do need reassurance and love - and they also need to get used to not being an only child, which takes time.
4) I would say Dh's parents were far more concerned with dss than my dds (and with the ex than with me) but the fact that they were adorable babies won them over. In the end, you can't let your ILs or the ex dictate whether you have a baby or not.

i do think 26 is young though - but I was 38 when I had mine! And if you feel the time is right, then that is all that matters. I would only have a baby if your relationship is strong though - it does test you, especially is skids are involved. Good luck!

NotaDisneyMum Wed 21-Nov-12 17:38:45

OP - all the things you mention do happen in some families, so your right to be aware of them; exW become even more difficult when a baby is on the way, DSC become more clingy and demanding, and PIL favour their first grandchildren over subsequent babies.

But, rather than worry about it, why not come up with strategies to deal with them so you're prepared? Find some suitable parenting classes for you and your DP so you can deal with any challenges that arise with your DSD. Read Stepmonster by Wednesday Martin to gain an understanding of the situation from your PIL perspective - it will help loads.

You can't change other people behaviour but you can change your own reaction - so begin to disengage from your DPs relationship with his ex and trust him to make the right decisions for you and your family - you don't need the stress once you're pregnant.

As for your parents, I don't think your fears are unusual - hopefully, they'll be delighted when you make the big announcement!

KittenCamile Thu 22-Nov-12 10:29:58

HungryHippo89 I don't have any advice really but I'm in the same situation, just started ttc and worried about all of the things that you are (except age, I'm 31)

DSD loves being the center of attention and I'm really not sure how she will react, DP assured me she will be fine and just take time to get use to it, have you spoken to your DP?

As others have said leave the EXW to your DP, its not my place to tell her, I know full well DP's EX will email me and won't be happy but she will get on with it as she is a reasonable person, how is your relationship with her? Do you have one?

Just ignore the PIL, that's what I plan to do! There is a chance that they will treat them equally but (pretty sure in my case) they may not, I'm employing the Mumsnet mantra of detach detach detach. I know my LO will be loved and wanted more than anything by DP and I, that's all they need, that's what I tell myself!

Good luck.

EMS23 Thu 22-Nov-12 16:22:42

My DSS was 6 when I got pregnant with my first and we told him after the first scan. He was so excited to become a big brother but he'd been asking for a sibling for some time and he loves babies. How is your DSD about babies? Does she like them?

DH told his ex when I was 8 weeks gone to give her time to get used to it and forewarn her incase DSS needed support when he was told. I think it's respectful but they have a good relationship.
Her only reaction which was a bit unexpected was she requested a list of the savings etc my DH has in place for DSS. I can see her point as she was looking out for her child's interests.

Then our DD was born on DSS's birthday and she went a bit mad about that and on DD's 1st birthday. But apart from that one meltdown, it's been fine since.

DSS wasn't jealous but he did regress a bit - lots of baby talk, wanting Daddy cuddles, climbing on me when I was feeding the baby etc.. It lasted about 3 months.
He would also get tearful about going back to mums and missing his sister but we see him a lot so he coped well with it.
He did struggle with disturbed sleep to begin with and was tired in school etc. but that's not a stepchild issue, it's just what happens when a baby is in the house!

2 years on, we have 2 DD's and DH's ex had a DS. So DSS went from no siblings to 3 in a very short space of time. He loves it!!

Your PIL - I'd park that concern to the back of your mind. Don't worry about a problem unless there is one and if, when the time comes, they are disinterested, don't worry because you will love your baby enough for all of them.

I think you are very young but I became a mum at 32 and it hit me like a ton of bricks so that's my view. It's such a lifechanger they I was glad I'd had my 20's to myself.
If you feel ready and you've done the things you wanted to do before having kids, then no one can tell you it's not the right time.
Your parents will be fine and if they're not, I bet the baby will win them over!

Good luck.

PoppyPrincess Thu 22-Nov-12 23:01:26

My OH has 2 other children, a 5yo DS and 7yo DD, we now have our own baby.
I also had the same fears as you, I was more worried about DSS as he is very much a daddy's boy and clearly just wants his dad to himself aaalllll the time. But I'm surprised at how well they have both taken it, they don't seem to be jealous of the fact that dad has a new baby they're just happy to have a new sister and they love her to pieces.

The ex on the other hand isn't over joyed with it all (see my thread about jealous ex), at first she congratulated him and said she was happy that he was happy but as time has gone on and she's now beginning to realise that he doesn't want her back and that she can't tell him what to do and no longer has any hold over him, she doesn't like it one bit.
But that's just her and she's not a 'normal' person.

I think as long as your relationship is strong and you're careful to include her in your family then there shouldn't be a problem.

PoppyPrincess Thu 22-Nov-12 23:08:27

And yes I think my parents and DP's parents all favour their first grand children. Both my kids are currently ill, the baby more so than my 3yo n tonight my mum just asked about how ''her boy'' is. They don't mean to do it but I suppose it's just one of those things.

HKnight Thu 29-Nov-12 08:07:40

My 10 year old DSS has 2 older half siblings and when we told him about him having a little sister he was delighted. My DP ex has always been difficult and has said somethings abt the baby which I've decided to ignore. We only see DSS every 2 weeks so I make sure he has plenty of daddy time. TBH it suits me fine, I'd rather not try and drag baby here, there and everywhere as its a massively tiring.

We drive DSS home as a family and he always gives his finger to his little sister to hold all the way home. Its so cute and he probably doesn't realise we can see him in the baby mirror (cos it'd be the most uncool thing to be spotted doing).

We went away in half term and DSS insisted helping with pram/car seat. DP gets him involved in bathtime and nappy change, to try and keep the strong bond. Again I don't get involved and do something fun like have a cup of tea and a 5 min rest!

UC Thu 29-Nov-12 09:36:32

Hi, my experience of your questions is as a mum - my DCs have a younger sibling with their dad. They also have step DBs via my DP.

1) my DCs were a bit younger, but they seemed fine with it. There has never, so far as I'm aware, been any issue of jealousy. They now adore their little brother.
2) My ex told me himself that they were expecting - but I'd already worked it out from little clues like a new car to seat 6! I admit I felt a little sad, but just because it brought back the regret I still occasionally feel that we didn't work out. I never shared that sadness with exDH of course, and I made sure that my DCs could see the new baby when he was born, and I was on standby in case the new baby started to arrive while my DCs were with their dad. I firmly believe that whatever I might feel inside (and the feeling of sadness was fleeting), the best thing for my DCs was to be supportive. This is their (half) brother, and I wanted them to have a good relationship with him from the start. I also felt a little worried that my DCs would be pushed out when the new baby arrived, but those fears haven't materialised. In fact, exDH was very open about reassuring me that this wouldn't happen.
3) I would imagine the SCs may seek more attention, but this is normal for a child who gets a new sibling. You will need to reassure her that she's still important, involve her with the new baby.
4) to be honest, I would have this conversation with the grandparents. I had it in relation to my SCs with my family. I said that it was important to me that they were all treated the same, that they all had presents at birthdays and christmas etc.

As it has turned out, my DCs have benefitted massively from having their little brother, and their step DBs. My DCs see themselves as 2 out of 5 brothers. The younger one in particular talks about having 4 brothers - he doesn't really distinguish between the ones who live here with us some of the time, and the other one who lives with their dad. I think that is testament to the way that all the adults involved (me, their dad, their step mum, my DP and his exDW) have dealt with relations between ourselves and the boys.

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