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Am I wrong ?

(8 Posts)
KateC42 Sun 11-Nov-12 16:40:15

Have been with DP for 5 yrs lived together for 18m have DS living with us; DSD 2/3 days a week. My DS is typical 11yr old but is a good boy. My DP is, recently finding fault with most things he does, and there is a constant barrage of nit picking arguments which are creating atmosphere in house...most of time I play devils advocate and judge/jury, but DP can be such a grumpy arse at times, I just ignore it, tell my DS to just calm down etc. it's mainly around time spent on computer, which is monitored and restricted. When DSD here she watches tv constantly and is on BBM to friends, DP never bats eyelid- suspect doesn't want her to be upset the short time she is with us..... Not good for relationship with DP and DS as DS sees it as her always being goody two shoes. It's all so obvious to me but my DP doesn't see it and constantly berates DS thus driving wedge between them and its starting to affect our relationship as I naturally want to stick up for him... Any thoughts / other opinions gratefully received !

HKnight Sun 11-Nov-12 22:07:49

I think its only fair that both children are following the same rules. Your DP obviously feels sorry for his daughter and is sensitive. How is your relationship with her? Do you get on? Is she just introverted and that's why she's on pc all time. Is she accepting of you and your son? Maybe try to get everyone relaxed and having fun together. I struggled with my 10 year old DSS, I found board games helped. He got to interact with his dad, and he would relax and let his guard down around me.

Maybe your DP is snappy with your son because there is some truth in what he says and doesn't want to hear it? Perhaps they should work on their relationship and have some fun together.

brdgrl Sun 11-Nov-12 22:19:35

There should be house rules and consequences for not following those. If your DP is not enforcing the house rules with his DD, that's going to cause problems.

On the other hand, are you being just as fair with your own DS? Or are you excusing things that he also should not be getting away with, saying things to DP like "he's a good kid" or "he's just acting like a typical eleven year old"...I want to take your post at face value, but at the same time, I wonder if you and your DP are both guilty of blind spots where your own kids are concerned?

I have recommended this book a lot, but Stepcoupling is a very good read. Really drove home to me and DH the importance of being a unified front, for the good of the whole family.

warriorwoman Sun 11-Nov-12 23:52:53

Hi Kate
I want to say that I really do relate to what you are saying, I have had the same thing for the last 12 years and it has created so much tension. For years DH would pick on things DD was doing 'wrong' but would turn a blind eye to his own daughters doing the same thing. It wasn't the case of me having blind spots with my DD, I could see what was happening and so could my DD. When she was younger she didn't really notice it so much, but as she got older (now 14) she picked up on it and as a result really resents DH now. It has created a great rift between us and an 'us and them' atmosphere, which is hard to eradicate.

I don't think DH is any better now, the children are just older, don't come over as much and he has less to say to them all in terms of discipline. He does this thing where he thinks he needs to be the disciplinarian and just moans about the smallest things to everyone!

I can't offer any advice, sorry... If I knew what to do I would have cracked my own family issues! Now DD is a teenager she doesn't hold back when she thinks things are unfair and she tells him and gets quite angry with him. I am stuck in the middle of it.

I hope things do get better for you, wishing you all the best. x

OrangeClub Mon 12-Nov-12 12:13:18

I had this with my ex boyfriend. We lived together (not for very long) and he picked on my son almost constantly. My son lives with me and so was there all of the time. His daughters used to come at the weekend and were, for the most part, really well behaved and lovely girls.

What I found unfair was that my son would be told off for the most minor things but if his girls did the exactly the same thing then it would be ignored or even laughed about.

I tried to make him (the ex) see that he wasn't being very fair and that it was causing divisions between the children but he couldn't or wouldn't see it.

My solution ultimately was to move out.

sanityseeker75 Mon 12-Nov-12 13:25:49

No you are not wrong but then I dare say he will not really see he is in the wrong either. I know certainly I had similar issues with DH, as DS lives with us then it was only natural that he was more of a prime target for being pulled up on things as he was there all the time. I think DH felt a certain amount of guilt that my DS lived with us and his DC didn't and so he used to allow his DD "off" with certain things that DS would have been called up on.

One example was the noise of the TV - it was a constant that my DS was pulled up for how loud his TV was when playing games I used to be peace keeper and try and tell DS to turn it down a bit but then it would grate on me when DSD came over and was on karaoke in her room with door open so I couldn't her what I was watching - I told DH constantly that there was no balance. One Sunday evening after listening to DSD all afternoon he then shouted up to DS to turn TV down because he could hear it over our TV (a bit exaggerated). I told he I felt that rather than having the same problem with DS every time why didn't he go upstairs and explain to him exactly why he had a problem with the noise and explain the reasoning behind why it was ok for DSD to be louder because once DS understood the reason behind the different rules then he would be fine about it and probably try harder to make sure volume stayed down.

Needless to say DH could not really deal with the why it's one rule for one issue - sulked with me for a couple of hours and then said no more!

From time to time we still have minor disagreements but every time one of the DC does something that the others aren't meant to do I just point out that it is fine but I am not laying piggy in middle and throw the explaining back to him.

Use the phrase - I feel nobody can tell you you are wrong for feeling like you do they can tell you it was not their intention to make you feel like that but eg I feel that you are constantly on at DS for behaviour other DC gets away with, I understand why you let her do this/that/other but I feel that if you would just explain to DS why it is different for him than the others he will understand.

May not work but worth a go hmm

BooyhooRemembering Mon 12-Nov-12 13:35:38

"but DP can be such a grumpy arse at times, I just ignore it, tell my DS to just calm down etc."

why are you doing this? why does your DP get away with his childish behaviour but your ds always gets told to reign his in? you are telling your ds that DP's behaviour has to be tolerated and you both just have to ignore him and behave to avoid the grumpiness. your DP needs to learn how to deal with issues like an adult and not stropping like a teenager to get his own way.

KateC42 Mon 12-Nov-12 19:10:44

WOW ! Thank you guys smile I have never posted on a site before, I don't really know what I was expecting, perhaps a few "super nanny" esque answers telling me to back off, sit on the naughty step and get on with it....but I was releived to a) get thoughts and b) sensible musings that have made me think....

Its difficult to portray your family life at home without making your post vv long so it was a brief outline to my issues; I love my DSD dearly and we have a good relationship, and all of our family generally get on really well bearing in mind we do spend quite a bit of time apart too. What I mean by DS being a good kid is that he doesn't cause us any problems at all....DP and DS bonded really early days and they used to spend an awful lot of time together doing boys stuff when DSD wasn't with us ....they don't do that as much now as DS talking to friends on Skype and playing interactive games etc, he is growing up and probably DP can't face that....DSD is 15 now so he probably feels that he is "losing" her a bit I think that I have found a bit of a link there ??

I shall be sitting down with DP and sharing my revalations|ideas and concerns; as for us as a family, concerted efforts for spending time together not involving technology
thank you guys smile

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