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Need help........! Please read.

(10 Posts)
Stepmumneedshelp Mon 05-Nov-12 21:33:39

I have never used one of these and I don't even know where to start but I am desperate to know what to do!!!

My two step sons are so gorgeous and adorable and I am watching them being pulled through their mothers issues and guilt in life and I simply can't stand to stand by and watch it for a second longer. Have tried courts, solicitors, mediation, counselling, talking direct etc etc but nothing seems to work.

Their mum walked out on the boys and their father 7 years ago after she had an affair with a local builder. Their marriage was a sham and they were so young. She had tricked him in to having a baby with him and didn't tell him until she was 7 months. Blah blah blah...

So the story today is my 8 year olds behaviour, he is so troubled... He strongly believes that his father 'beat her up and she had to run away' words from her mouth to a 6 year old child. None of which being true! He has also been told at some stage that the father and I had had the affair. Do we sit him down at the tender age of 8 and explain the real reason we are in this situation?? Or let him still believe we are the bad guys!??!?!

He is treating everyone so badly but it is only because he is so confused in life but it is impossible to manage with his mum breathing down your neck telling you that we are terrible parents every two minutes.

They haven't lived it's her for 7 years and she has weekend contact of 4 night a month.

She is constantly trying to change contact or rearrange their life to suit her. She has never paid a penny to their upkeep, she owes thousands to CSA. Constantly let's the children down and can't ever see that she is in the wrong.

I pride myself on being a fantastic mum but get so dragged down by having to consider her feelings that the last thing I fancy doing is diving on the floor to play puzzles, games, painting, baking, park etc.

Today I decided enough is enough and enjoyed the things we have always done...

How can I shut her out, focus on a confused 8 year old, try to earn money to support the children whilst she sits on her backside and look after 3 young children....

Sorry and thank you for reading


izzywizzyisbizzy Mon 05-Nov-12 23:59:40

Tell the truth in age appropriate terms.

You arent helping him by covering for her at all, you are letting her lies poison his relationship with his main carers.

Stepmumneedshelp Tue 06-Nov-12 11:41:01

Thank you Izzy. Sometimes you simply just don't know what to do or where to turn!! So perhaps explaining gently that the story that's been told isn't the case and reassure him he's loved etc??

Kaluki Tue 06-Nov-12 11:51:54

God you poor thing - how awful.
You can tell him the truth without being too graphic.
Sit him down and tell him he can ask you anything at all and you will promise to tell the truth. Tell him that his Mummy and Daddy split up before you came along and that you love him and want to look after him. If necessary show him the paperwork to prove it.
You don't have to slag her off but give him the bare facts and let him come to terms with it in his own way.
If you remain silent then he will just believe her and it will be worse for him later when he does find out the truth, that his mum has lied to him and poisoned his relationship with you, then he will not only feel betrayed but also he will feel guilty too.
My stepdc's Mum had an affair and her BF is named on their divorce papers. She tells them that DP made them leave blah blah blah, but they know the score and when they are older they will put two and two together until they know the whole story and she will have a lot of explaining to do.

izzywizzyisbizzy Tue 06-Nov-12 12:08:07

Yes although DHs ex OM isn't mentioned by name - her "inapropriate relationship with another man" is cited as one of the reasons for divorce.

The financial settlement was so biased (in her favour), the judge initially refused to sign it off and sent it back and solicitors had to get DH to sign a disclaimer.

This did not prevent her telling anyone who would listen, that he ran off with an OW (me) and left her with nothing.

She had totally destroyed her children. Don't let this happen to yours.

izzywizzyisbizzy Tue 06-Nov-12 12:11:53

And yes I told DCs truth - why should I be blamed.

What I said (SD was quite graphic with her accusations), is no-one except her mum and OM knew what sort of relationship they had, but when she got older she would understand - that married people don't spend all their time with another man or take their children there.

I said a lot more tbh - but then I was accused by a 9 year old of "snagging her dad in her mothers bed"

I have never set foot in that house - nor would I ever want to and I made that perfectly clear. You have the DSSs living with you - therefore your relationship with them is fundamental to their happiness.

Kaluki Tue 06-Nov-12 12:59:38

"I said a lot more tbh - but then I was accused by a 9 year old of "snagging her dad in her mothers bed"
Bloody hell Izzy!!! What sort of mother puts things like that into a 9 year old's head!
There are some seriously twisted women out there shock

izzywizzyisbizzy Tue 06-Nov-12 13:07:11

The sort of woman who raises a child abusing son.

The SCs have massive issues, and as far as I am concerned, she is absolutely 100% to blame.

The way she has treated them would break your heart, it really would, what her emotional abuse of them has led to - has totally broken mine.

Stepmumneedshelp Tue 06-Nov-12 21:04:27

You can totally see why children have such crazy issues in life can't you when they have parents like these...!

One glitch in some of your comments (thank you for all of them btw) ex w would only sign divorce papers in order for us to get married if my hubby admitted to adultery!!!

Then when he signed them, she said "haha look what I'll show them when they're older" guess it's all part of the master plan!

I see the boys as my own and keep trying to back off to protect her feelings as they really do see me as their mum, especially as they've lived with me longer, but I'm seriously starting to wonder why I bother when she constantly outs down my parenting skills and stabs me in the back every two seconds!

I can almost handle it, but why would you do this to your own children??

Thanks everyone xxx

GossipWitch Tue 06-Nov-12 23:07:02

Crikey thats a tough one, I would tell him gently and reassure that you love him and will be honest with him, i had a not so similar situation, my son was talking about prison etc and I said that a couple of people I knew did something wrong and went to prison and that his father did too before he met me, (I know big mistake, it sort of fell out) anyway he, of course asked his dad and his dad lied to him about it, and I just sort of brushed it under the carpet, and said nothing, a couple of months later a police officer in our town died, and after a weekend visit my son came back to me and said "my dad lied to me, he did go prison cos he said that the policeman that died was the one that arrested him" In a way I was sad for him because his father couldn't be honest with him. But the truth always comes out in the end its just how damaging it can be before it does.

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