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long - DP needs advice urgently re DD and sexual provacative photos online

(7 Posts)
expectingrain Sat 03-Nov-12 11:58:00

the advice needed is on the mother's (exw) reaction to all of this, and although he does trust my opinion he thinks we are too close to see clearly and would welcome other opinions - the DD has now blocked him from FB, has not replied to his email or text. the DD is 15. Both my DP and I work in the IT industry and are well aware of the online risks

brief history: my DP daughter has for some time been posting sexually provacative pictures of herself not only on F/B but tumblr, twitter and instagram but with her mobile number and BB pin number accessabile to everyone and easily traceable to town, school etc, my DP did a few months ago tell his DD to tone it down but this week decided enough was enough and tried to ascertain the mothers opinion, who responded favourably

"I couldn't agree more. Part of the problem is that what we think is disgusting, she thinks is acceptable. Policing it is a nightmare as she can hide whatever she likes from us. If you have any suggestions, I will do whatever I can to get her to see sense - I'm hoping this is a lack of maturity."

so a good starting point you would think

2 days went by with no more response although the pictures did start to disappear so he wrote again enquiring as to what action etc etc with the response "I have spoken to her" so DP replied did it have any effect? response "Yes" at which point DP then wrote to the NSPCC asking for advice and copied the exw in as he thought she was being unhelpful and scoring points off him in trying to resolve this issue and would not give him any assurance that she had managed to convey the potential seriousness of this to his daughter, and that his daughter will stop posting these sort of pictures, and, more importantly, that she understands why she should not be posting them, and the affect it could have on the rest of her life if it got any worse.

the exw then saw red having left it 48 hours before she wanted to view the pictures asked for samples as by then DD had deleted so he sent her some samples and said to her that he didnt think she had appeared undressed she admited that "I said I agreed that DD should delete some of them and she had" "A few of them I was not happy with. I said I agreed several days ago when you first asked me"

DD then blocked DP from access to her F/B (obviously angry with him)
we then get this response from the exw
"I am well aware that some of the pictures (& comments) are not what older people think appropriate. As you kindly pointed out this is a "persona" (an immature one) not the real girl who is working hard and having fun with her friends. Pretending to be an "out there" sexy tart is a game, which could go wrong if the girl concerned was a thick, slut. How dare you imply this of our daughter"

so thats ok then (!) the DD is just playing a game by pretending to be sexy tart and she is intellegent enough for it not to go wrong because she's not a thick slut: remember her phone number etc was clearly published with these photos. DP wrote back explaining this and asking given that if this was the logic exw used to destroy his relationship with his DD, why does it apply to him and not her as well as she agreed that some of the photos were inappropriate.

and followed by
"We are all old, that's why we don't accept these type of things well (to greater and lesser degrees) but writing things like she hasn't appeared naked yet is cruel and sick, implying that you think she would be stupid enough to do so ie slut/tart. Not a good way to get your message/request across and why she is livid. What you have done is all of your own doing, I hope you will find a way to undo it."

just for the record DP never used the words slut or tart in talking about his DD and these photos. He admits that he may handled this badly with the exw and DD and knows he has little influence over his DD, it is likely he won't see her for a while to talk face to face while she remains angry at him and he does not have a functional relationship with exw but what should he do now?

please be gentle with him he is trying to do the right thing by his DD
thanks for getting this far

humptydidit Sat 03-Nov-12 13:46:17

expecting I really feel for you. We have had similar problems with dsd, also 15. She posts her bbm pin on the internet, set up a chatroom on tinychat and invites random strangers to chat over webcam. Set up a profile on a website called, posing as an 18 year old and writes on her page " does anyone live near xxx, message me your number and you can come round and take me out".
I was totally shocked. She seems to have no idea how dangerous some of this stuff is. She has even arranged to meet some of these people in a nearby big town and spend the day with them, while telling dp that she is off out shopping in primark with friends.

The most scary part was that she got chatting to one guy online and he came to the house. He had a very distinctive name and although he claimed to be 16, I swore when I saw him, he must be at least 20. Chatting to my father in law, we mentioned the guy and his name, and it turned out that our neice got friendly with the same guy about 18 months ago and she met him in a park and ended up rining her grandad terrified as he had tried to touch her etc and totally freaked her out and FIL went and visited the guy and warned him off. Neice lives 20 miles away from us, but the same guy was "grooming" for want of a better word, girls all over the county.

So I do feel yr pain. Dp#'s ex-w also seems oblivious to the risks in all this, however, dp and her split up after she did similar things herself, broadcasting dirty pictures of herself etc. So dsd takes this as a green light to carry on.

Have no idea how to deal with it though. Dp has been over it and over it with dsd but she just doesn't get it sad

NotaDisneyMum Sat 03-Nov-12 14:05:30

I've had to disengage from this - and DP has as well because he doesn't have a parenting relationship with DSD, he's not able to highlight the dangers to her.

DSD (15) regularly posts her phone number on Twitter, and the fact that she's home alone etc etc. Her Twitter feed is totally insecure - anyone can read it, even without an account! She 'collects' followers too - she got caught up in one of the recent harassment cases where someone was arrested for saying things to/about Tom Daly - but it hasn't made her any more careful!

She seems to have grown out of posting slutty pictures, not before she was groomed by one of her mums friends with benefits colleagues, who offered to take some 'studio shots' of her -eugh!

humptydidit Sat 03-Nov-12 15:00:57

Don't know if this is totally wrong to think this, but I am honestly starting to wonder that with some of these girls, it will take till something serious goes wrong, like one of them gets attacked or something, god forbid, until they stop.

My neice who I mentioned before, still posts her bbm pin on facebook etc, even after a nasty experience face to face. I went on her facebook page and you can see where she has posted on these pages. It's beyond belief when you look at what some girls are posting online. Things like "here's my bbm pin, bbm for pics of me" and then just wait for idiots to respond. Is frightening.

HoolioHallio Sat 03-Nov-12 15:59:51

I would suspect that his Ex was pissed off that despite the conversation that she had with him in which she explained that she HAD spoken to their daughter, he went ahead and spoke to the NSPCC, presumably without discussing it with her first ? It is a deeply sensitive issue and I think your DP showed complete disregard for how his ex was dealing with it by blundering in with both feet. It's no wonder she got pissed off. Perhaps next time he could suggest a plan of action rather than cc her into emails which clearly show disregard for the steps she may be taking to address issues.

Madelinesnotapumpkinanymore Sat 03-Nov-12 16:16:34

It's the classic thing if mum trying to be BFF. I don't have a teen myself so I don't know how it feels to want to stay in favour, and parent at the same time. I certainly hope I don't go down this apathetic "oh they're all doing it" path. It really is shit parenting.

Everyone always worries about grooming etc (this happened to dsd under the exact same circumstances, yet didn't teach her or her mum anything) but a huge concern for me is that these young people seem to have no grasp of reputation or appearances. This stuff doesn't disappear and will be searchable by future employers, partners, colleges etc.

Anyway, back to your problem. Given that mum was initially cooperative, your DH could have continued with that, rather than go down the route if nspcc at that stage. I think he now needs to work this one out for himself and you will need to "disengage". Mum has already created a "him and us" out of the situation when it should be "dd and us" as in, him and his ex on the same team.

There isn't an immediate risk if safety as far as I can gather so I don't really know what else he can do I'm afraid.

brdgrl Sat 03-Nov-12 16:24:19

I don't know, hoolio, it appears that there was co-parenting and communication up to the point where the dad emailed, quite rightly, to follow up on what had been actually done and discussed with the daughter, and at that point the mother seems to have essentially cut off communication by simply saying "I have spoken to her " and "yes" - which frankly is not a good enough response. I'm assuming the father has parental responsibility in this case and is an involved parent.

If there is to be finger pointing, it seems like the mother is the one who has arsed it up here. But the real problem is that she is continuing to act as though it is none of the father's concern, which - no matter how she felt about his reactions - is an untenable position now, and one that she needs to get past so that she and her ex can resolve the problem now. The girl is losing out.

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