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Need to vent and the case of dp's poisonous ex - sorry v long!

(16 Posts)
humptydidit Thu 01-Nov-12 20:19:07

Ongoing saga of (d)sd, age 15. Latest is that 2 weeks ago I finally lost my temper with her, something I am not proud of, not least because now she thinks that she has "won".

The actual argument was caused by her being in a mood with me and when I asked what was wrong, just got a complete tirade of abuse and shouting and swearing. I saw red, and confronted her and asked her straight what her issue was. She was unable to answer and just sat there shouting at me to "fuck off out of my life and leave me alone". She has then alleged to everybody who will listen that I have assualted her on that occasion. I stormed out of the house and told dp it was over as I couldn't take any more. (we live apart thank god).

I calmed down and have made things up with dp, in fact we are back and stronger than before, but now dsd refuses to see me or have anything to do with me. To be honest, in some respects things are much better now. I am now free of her and her attitude and my children seem much happier without her around. I have not spent any time at dh's house, we have seen eachother at my house or gone out.

FAst forward 2 weeks to today. She is still not speaking or looking at me or even being in the same house as me. Dh has defended me and our relationship and told her she is out of order, and I have basically disengaged from her totally at the moment. Dp's ex, is a nasty piece of work and she is basically using dsd to get at dp. Dsd is no angel at all, but is manageable. Dsd together with ex-w is a nightmare. They are both as poisonous as eachother and together seem to be running a tag team match to upset dp.

The lastest saga today is that dsd having spent 3 days with ex-w now says dp must chose between seeing me or dsd at christmas. Seriously wtf???? I am sick to death of the whole thing, and am perfectly happy not to spend christmas day with her as she is being vile. I would rather chill out with my kids and have a pyjama day and do family stuff and then have our christmas again another day with dp and dss. Honestly my life is soooooo much easier without dsd in it. For the first time in months, I am ashamed to say, last weekend I sat with my kids and watched a dvd together. I am spending quality time with my kids rather than running round after dsd who is having a never ending string of crises. I told dp not to worry about it and that we would have our special day together on boxing day or something, when she is at her mum's. But seriously wtf is her problem and ex-w? Ex-w says me and dp spent christmas together last year (dsd was with her mum for a fortnight) so this year it is dsd's turn with her dad.............. WTF is this woman on.

Then dsd has told dp she must be pregnant as her period is 1 day late and she has a stomach cramp and went to the loo alot today. Apparently her mum has confirmed this must be the case and dsd is going round showing off about it.

I feel despareatly sorry for dp. He is such a gentle giant and despite many years of disney dad, he is desparate to change and realises it has to come from him. I have told him that I will support him 100% but I am actually quite relieved to have a break from dsd and her shit.

Ex-w has now got the cheek to try to manipulate me. I so want to go round there and give her a peice of my mind, but what#s the point? She will think she won because she got a rise out of me. So any tips ladies on how to deal with poisonous bitches like her?

God that feels good to let that out!

olibeansmummy Thu 01-Nov-12 21:53:35

Do as you are doing, keep your distance and don't let it come between you and your dp.

Kaluki Fri 02-Nov-12 08:08:33

Yes carry on as you are.
Rise above it, detach and enjoy spending time with your dc and thank the Lord she isn't your child and you don't have to live with her grin
As for the pregnancy thing - W.T.F.? Why on earth would her mum encourage that? She is one messed up little girl and she has her parents to thank for that sad

theredhen Fri 02-Nov-12 09:35:09

Well if you've got your dp onside, then you're already in a good place.

Don't waste your time thinking about the whys of it all. She's just a kid driven by a messed up mother, by the sound of it.

Enjoy the time without her for now and don't let her dramas and crises intrude on nice times with dp and the other children of the family. If you do, you're giving in to her because it sounds very much to me like she's insecure and wants to be the centre of attention. She needs to understand that she's PART if your family and not the only person in it.

I'm sure you know that part of the reason she's behaving like this is because your dp has enabled her to do so in the past and she liked that and is feeling vulnerable now that's gone. Your dp needs to carry on being firm but also letting her know she is loved but her current behaviour isn't. He might lose her for a while but that is, I'm afraid, the price he has to pay within the bigger picture of teaching her that respect is something to be worked on and not demanded.

Madelinethepumpkin Fri 02-Nov-12 12:50:13

Yes it must feel vulnerable when dad starts to stand up for himself and actually parent a child. This usually occurs when a new partner comes on the scene (not the new partners fault, it's just that keeping the ex sweet at all cost comes further down the list of priorities after a while) so the kids associate "Dad v2" with the new partner and blame them for the changes. If backed up by mum it's a pretty lethal combo of forces. Your partner is going the right thing and thankfully I am green with envy you have your own place so disengaging should be fairly easy until he has sorted out his family issues

anklebitersmum Fri 02-Nov-12 14:31:31

Don't go and give her a piece of your mind it'll just inflame ex-w the situation. I think you're absolutely doing the right thing, backing off and extracating your own Dc's from it all while DH does the 'hard graft'.

Try and remember that there is nothing a poisonous female likes less than being ignored even if you go nearly insane doing it grin

WkdSM Fri 02-Nov-12 16:23:42

Take the high ground - did it for years with DH's ex and nothing wound her up so much as being ignored - effectively being shown she had no power over our lives together. (I'm the one who had the dead fish sent to us while we were on honeymoon.)

Pregnancy - I hope it is DSD trying to regain your DP's attention as she knows she has gone too far.

Christmas is a long time off yet with all this drama going on. I would plan to have a lovely day with your dcs and if dp can come and join you that will be even lovelier - but as you say there is always boxing day.

Is dp expected to spend day with exw as well as dsd (and bump)?

humptydidit Fri 02-Nov-12 21:02:13

thanks ladies for all your support.

Latest update is that dsd went on and on and on and on and on some more to dp about being pregnant. He asked if she took a test and apparently ex-w said you have to wait 3 weeks after your missed period to take the test, which dsd believed.
Just to shut her up, dp bought a test and showed her that it would be pretty accurate as soon as you miss your period. She took the test, it was negative and a few hours later her period started anyway. So crisis averted.
I honestly don't believe that anybody seriously thought dsd was pregnant, not even herself, but it's some attention seeking ploy cooked up between her and ex-w.

I am quite happy with disengaging at the moment. Even though it means I spend less time with dp, it actually means the time we do have together is much higher quality. With dsd in the same house, she demands the attention whereas dss and my kids play happily while me and dp sit and chat or whatever, so it's all good.

Next question is though, what happens now? Do I just continue as I am going and wait to see what happens? What will happen when dsd decides she doesn't hate me? Should I expect her to apologise?

How should I deal with it, when she decides she wants something and demands it from me, is it ok for me not to let her have it? I don't mean if she was in genuine need, but say she wants to borrow my hair dryer or something and asks for it, is it ok to say no? Or is that childish?

She broke her hair straigteners this morning and demanded dp came round here to borrow mine. When dp pointed out to her that I was unlikely to lend them to her due to her poor behaviour and refusal to have anything to do with me, she argued that I was unreasonable because I should be expected to help dp and his children just because he is my dp???????????

any advice?

humptydidit Fri 02-Nov-12 21:04:42

wkdsm no ex-w is not going to be visiting on christmas day as she is too busy? But she is insistant that dp should spend the whole day exclusively with dsd and dss and nobody else.

The whole christmas thing is ridiculous. Dp and I discussed it and agreed that probably dsd would have got over it by then and it wouldn't be a huge issue. This is 100% ex-w interfering and creating drama, and it's pathetic. sad

Madelinesnotapumpkinanymore Fri 02-Nov-12 21:15:48

Okay - so no, I don't think she'll apologise offically because it will be too painful and she simply hasn't been taught the skills. butshe can apologise with her actions, which I would expect.

As for the hair straightners - no. Absolutely not!

humptydidit Fri 02-Nov-12 21:24:17

madeline that's what I thought. I even told dp that I wouldn't be waiting for an apology, rather that when she can behave like a civilised human being, she will be welcomed back into the fold.

Actually with things the way they are, it's very easy for her. In my house, due to dsd's behaviour and also dss's, I now have a paper with "my house rules" on display. So my expectations are perfectly clear to everybody, including my own children. All I would expect of dsd, is to act within these rules and all would be ok.

Btw, before anybody jumps on my back, my rules are very basic, be kind, share, be polite etc... But dsd has been sent home on various occasions for swearing, being rude, shouting, fighting with the other kids etc.

Dp is positive that as soon as dsd wants something, or sees she stands to gain more by being pleasant, she will come crawling back. In the past I have helped her with loads of things, choosing make up, buying clothes, fitting bras, dying hair etc etc etc, so i'm not a complete bitch grin. But to be honest, the longer this stand off goes on, and the more vile she is, the less inclined I feel to do anything nice with her. But I guess that as the adult, when she does start toeing the line, I will have to put these feelings aside and carry on as before... until the next time!

brdgrl Fri 02-Nov-12 21:48:10

You're doing well, I think.

And absolutely - NO - do not let her borrow your things, don't put yourself out for her, and definitely do not compromise your own children's lives on her account. (To be clear, if my own DD treated me so disrespectfully and ungraciously, I would not be going out of my way for her, loaning her my things, etc, until I'd had an apology.)

Monstroneous Sat 03-Nov-12 10:30:37

Well done to you partner for telling SD the reasons you'd be unhappy about lending your straighteners. The kid sounds like she's turning into a real madam (even though most 15 yr old girls are vile form time to time!)

As for Xmas, I do hope your partner is quite clear with his ex that she does not get to dictate how he spends HIS time with his own kids.

Stepmumneedshelp Mon 05-Nov-12 21:51:49

What does DP or DSD. I get SD (step daughter) SS (step son) but that's it.

Sounds like you have such a tough one. I have an incredibly similar situation except my step son lives with me as his mum walked out on me.

She is constantly poisonous and I honestly do not know what to do from one minute to the next!!! It's been 7 years too and not really getting much better!!

How do you find the ignoring thing? When it gets worse does it then get better???


theredhen Tue 06-Nov-12 12:14:12

DP = Darling/Dear partner

DSD = Darling/Dear Step daughter

humptydidit Tue 06-Nov-12 12:27:26

stepmumneedshelp I feel your pain, but it's so hard regarding ex wife.

The ignoring thing is working well so far. I have spent hardly any time with dsd in the last month as she doesn't like me any more, so that's fine by me. In reality, is it a solution? No it's not, it's a coping strategy not a solution to the problem. But I am hoping that if I chill out and save my own sanity, dp will work on his disney parenting and then things will be better.

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