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husband staying away with his children

(28 Posts)
shawl20 Thu 01-Nov-12 09:34:16

Help, i need advice, my husband and i live together with my daughter who treats him like her real dad, he has 4 children with his previous partner, they are from 4-12 years old, his children have told him that they don't like me and will only continue contact away from the house, they said they will see him for the day only but he wants overnight contact so then they have said they need to sleep elsewhere, his solution is to do just this, I had nothing to do with their break-up, she ended it with him and i and my daughter were introduced to his children slowly, every step of the way we have asked and made sure they were fine with what was going on and they said they were. The 12 year old has never taken to me but i put that down to she was the oldest and was maybe hurt more over the divorce but the others i have been getting along fine with.So much so that the 9 year old was very upset she was not allowed to come to our wedding, so we said we would have a blessing in church and they would be bridesmaids when their mum allowed them to which they were happy and excited about. My daughter halved most of her toys with them cause they didn't have alot, i got them new clothes as when i met their father they didn't really have a great deal. At xmas last year they were rude about most of their presents that they were not the right thing. I have spent hours baking and icing birthday cakes. The youngest 3 always gave me a kiss goodnight and when they left to go home and the oldest started doing so 2 months ago so it has hurt that they don't like me, It all changed the last few months, They would go home and make up things that my partner and i had done ie forced them to eat foods they didn't like, shouted at them all the time, never took them anywhere.
He is going to have to stay at his dads as we r not in a financial position to stay anywhere else, which also isn't ideal for him having that many people in his house. He took on myself and my daughter as a family and even told her she could call him dad and he would treat her like all the rest of his children which i agree is fab. She has never called him dad in front of his children she only says it when there is just us she has no other father as he didn't want to know when she was born. She didn't ask for this situation either, she was put in to it too and i think that seems to get forgotten when my partner and i r trying to please his children. He also has an 18 year old from another partner who i get along with fabulously. He works from 3pm till about half twelve Mon-Fri and the occasional weekend he hasn't his 4 girls so he doesn't see alot of us either as i work and my daughter is at high school during the day so weekends are the only time he has with us too. We should matter in this as well as his other children and i think just because we arent blood or with him first our opinions don't matter. I totally agree he should have time alone with his children and have always encouraged that, but i dont agree that it should be overnight away from home during the day fine. Just also to point out that these girls said they want to have quality time alone with their father so he spent the whole weekend giving them just that, i kept out the way, my daughter stayed at her friends and they told their mother they never spent quality time with their dad that weekend because he never took them out.We live in a 2 bedroom house, ( we cant afford to privately rent and the council say we not entitled to 3 bedroom as we didnt have children 2 weeks more) My partner and i gave the children our bedroom, and packed our stuff in boxes, we sleep on sofabed down stairs and when they are not there we use the little ones double bed. It may sound quite jumbled but i tried to give as much info as another site said i needed to. Is it right?

ladydeedy Fri 02-Nov-12 16:28:27

well said BRDGIRL! You are absolutely right in everything you say. OP please dont let this continue. Your DH has been misguided in agreeing to this and needs to change the situation before it gets even more out of control.

mouldyironingboard Sat 03-Nov-12 12:18:51

I really don't think that your DH should agree to overnight visits away from home. He can see his children during the day. If they refuse to come to your house it is their problem, not yours or your DH's.

Being cynical, if your DH's ex realises that she will never get a night on her own she is likely to encourage the overnight visits to start again. I think your DH needs to take a much harder line about this.

I have skids that I haven't seen for a few years as my DH sees them on his own and I can't say that I miss them!

Viviennemary Sat 03-Nov-12 12:37:02

Although the OP has done nothing wrong and is trying her best, the trouble is children just do not see it that way. And I think four children as opposed to one child when they all gang up together can be quite a strong influence.

The children see their Father having left (even if it wasn't his fault) and they are doing their best to get him back to give them his undivided attention. All this talk of moving on. Children don't see that at the time. They probably liked things the way they were.

But in the end although I sympathise hugely with the children, I don't think the husband should be leaving the marital home for overnight stays. Sorry if that sounds a bit old fashioned.

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