Step daughters Facebook

[sanityseeker75]

I am not sure if this is just me and hubby being unreasonable and not really sure where to go with this so looking to get some views.

My SD has a facebook and she is 12, me and hubby did not really agree to this but she does not live with us and her mom set it up anyway giving her an older age than she is. Last night we saw that she had posted pictures of a very provocative nature (posing in hotpants one leg out hands on hip full face of make up). She is a very petite 12 but looks about 15 in the picture, her mom had commented about how beautiful she looks but we are concerned that this is sending out the completely wrong image - she looks a lot older than her years on the picture and facebook shows her as an older age.

We do not know if we should say something but are worried that we yet again will be the wrong people and have to have the whole she doesn't want to come again senario that her moms gives every time we express our feelings towards her behaviour or if we are being old fashioned in our views and should just let it go?

[Macchiato]

Don't think others will agree with me. But how about reporting her account to facebook for her being under age?

It seems that her mum thinks it's all ok as she has commented on the picture so i think having a word with her probabaly wont get you anywhere?

Or have a word with DSD about how unsuitable it is for FB?

[elliebellys]

If you report it,mum nd daughter would only set up a new account minus you nd ur partner,so dont think that would really work.she is pfobably postin these cos her friends do.facebook for younger girls need really good security .try and ask dsd to be carefull who she shares her photos and info with.

[sanityseeker75]

Thanks - it is not that you can see anything so don't think FB would have a problem with it as such, it is more worrying from our point of view because she looks old for her years and we are worried that her mom does not monitor as such and who knows who she is friends with and the sort of attention that such pictures would attract.

She has only just turned 12 but could easily pass for 15/16 looking at these pictures the bra have even been padded out but she does have a tshirt on.

She is at ours every weekend and doesn't use fb then but in the weeks she does go on it and we know she uses private chat with people.

Mom has no boundaries for behaviour and see's kids as friends and usually calls on us to tell them if they are treating her disrespectfully but when we do then she will call or text and say they don't want to come because you have upset them. Courts have granted us access every weekend so we know she is meant to make them available but we had had excuses before.

How do you approach your kids or DSD and explain that whilst you think they are beautiful you don't want them to get the wrong attention and grow up to quickly especially when they are 12 wanting to be all grown up?

[elliebellys]

At 12 they think they are older and always try 2 dress to impress. The boys.doesnt matter what you say she,l probably just do what she wants,she wont want to think of any consequences of her actions.when she next comes to yours just explain bout bein careful bout her privacy settings and to only connect with people that she actually knows.

[purpleroses]

How well does your DP get on with his ex? Could he broach the topic with her - just taking the stance that he's noticed the pictures and is concerned about them. Would suggest that he raises it himself, rather than the two of you together. Unless you have a really good relationship with her the ex is likely to react worse if she feels it's you she's having to co-parent with rather than her ex.

If she's on facebook anyway it would make more sense for you to let her on it at your house, so that you can talk to her about it - in particular make sure she has the privacy setting switched on properly (I think the default for under 16s is that they are now, but I could be wrong).

The photo you describe doesn't sound too outrageous - and if she's going out dressed like that she could attract the attention of older boys in real life, which is at least as much of a concern as facebook. Can you or your DP talk to her about how boys will see her? There may be a role for you there too as you may be better able to identify with how she needs to deal with male attention. My DSD often looks to me for a second opinion if she feel's her dad is being over-protective.

[sanityseeker75]

Thanks everyone - we both get on well enough with Ex (although she would take any suggestion about kids as instant criticism unless she asks for it) and both get on great with DSD, she doesn't go out like it and I think after closer inspection the make up looks like it was one of these that airbrushes the pictures after. Will sit her down at weekend and get her to log on so we can check her privacy settings and explain that we are just making sure she is safe. I think it may be better coming from me than OH as to him she is still a baby.

[MsMadelineashton]

We had this and I found it so sad. The fact that she is a year too you g for Facebook is besides the point as I presume that the pictures wouldn't suddenly become okay with you and her Dad the day she turns 13?

I'm sick if hearing how girls nowadays all want to appear older and that we should let this go. We wanted to do this kind if thing in my day but the difference was that our parents said no!! Mine made it very clear that my body was special and should be respected as such. Attempts at sexualising it were quashed immediately. Now it seems so many parents are too desperate to be "cool" they don't behave like parents but more like the "BFF"!!! This does seem to happen a lot with Mum and daughter where Dad doesn't live at home.

I don't really have an answer for you. Mum has made her mind up and any words had with her will be perceived as an attack. I think you and your husband should make sure that you are giving her positive messages about her and her body without directly contradicting or attacking her Mum's opinion.

Eg. It's nice that you like having your picture taken, we're so pleased that you are a confident girl. Sometimes though, it's good to be a little less obvious so that people can judge you on your personality rather than your body. This is an even nicer picture as your skin looks lovely and clear" or something like that. Subtlety is the key.

After 2 years of frankly revolting photos of dsd on FB (and a cyber relationship with an unknown 18 year old that her mother actually okayed when dsd was 12 ) dsd took it upon herself to remove any photos where her cleavage was showing. It came after she was showing me pictures of a girl in her year who had suggestive photos on there. Dsd was saying things like "eww she's such a slag!!!" (Lovely, I know) and I pointed out to her that if she looked at her own pictures as an outsider she would see they were no different.

[MsMadelineashton]

The problem is that once one parent had copped out with "that's how teens are these days they just do what they want so no point telling them" the other parent is always on the back foot. NO teen is going to choose to listen to the one with the boring opinion. The "cool" parent wins... Or at least they think they do. Personally having a badly behaved, promiscuous, unhappy, insecure and badly adjusted daughter wouldn't be my interpretation of winning. Would rather my dd hated me but grew up knowing right from wrong.

[tryingbutnottrying]

My 12 SD's mother has a picture of SD as her cover picture with just a pj top on, knickers showing posing like a swimwear model. And this is acceptable.

[Kaluki]

My DS is 12 and is friends with a lot of 12 year old girls on FB and I am shocked at some of the pictures that they put on there. It is so depressing that they look so much older than their age but then you read their wall posts and they are still little girls mentally!
My stepdd had a bebo account years ago when she was 13 and she accidentally left it open on my laptop. It was like soft porn the pictures she had put on there. I was so horrified I called her Mum and she closed the account down and threatened to show the photos to her dad if she ever put them on again.
We never told her dad - he would have had a blue fit.

[mummytime]

I would educate yourself and point out anything that has ever been on the Internet might never "disappear" you never know ho has a copy even if you delete it. You might want to show her this youtube video. Does she want the most disgusting boys at school peeving over her ( or the likes of Jimmy Saville)?

[sanityseeker75]

thanks everyone - well I took DH through some of the feedback you had given so that he could see it's not us, it is unacceptable but there are better ways to deal than rant at ex about the pictures. On Sat he sat DSD down and tolkd her he found the pictures a bit upsetting but understood that it was her fb account and he had little control he took her through the security settings and they reset everything to friends only and he explained to DSD that if we looked at pictures and thought they were a bit sexual in nature then other people would to and is that the sort of attention she would be prepared to deal with and did she have any questions etc etc etc. DSD took it all very well and seemed to handle the conversation with dad very well and in a relatively mature way, she even told dad she would take that picture off as that was the worst and she didn't like people thinking of her that way - and she did!

I thought brilliant positive outcome big yeay all round :)

And then she went home...

Literally 30 minutes after drop off ex had reposted the picture of dsd on her own fb age with strap line "look at my beautiful princess". What a complete . Needless to say this has caused HUGE row. It caused row with me and DH as he said I should have let him rip into her in first place (mature I know). Row between me and ex as I told her her point scoring behaviour was immature and unreasonable and rows between DH and ex as she thinks he is just so wrong about the whole thing and thinks that DSD can upt what she wants on fb and so can she. She is now not speaking to either of us (well until she creeps around him again and convinces him she is the injured party in all this).

The words oven head spring to mind - I am just not sure who should get to go first?

[MsMadelineashton]

God how completely depressing. I don't really know what to say

[sanityseeker75]

Spose not a lot to be said - we have kids every weekend as I said and we haven't had any kids don't want to come yet so that is a bonus at the moment.

Just makes me mad and then I start having bitter and twisted thoughts that lets face it are a complete waste of time and energy.

[MsMadelineashton]

You said it m'dear

[purpleroses]

Oh how annoying to be undermined, after DSD had taken it so well! Sounds l like her mum had been involved in her putting the photo up and took it as a personal insult that you didn't think it appropriate.

Only consolation I guess that a photo on her mum's profile (even if she's tagged) will be less visable on her page than a profile photo - so less likely to attract unwanted attention. And DSD might avoid provocactive photos in the future if she wants to avoid conflict between you guys and her mum (or if she's taken on board what you said). If she is tagged in it, your DSD can remove the tag if she wants to. Her mum would only notice she'd done this if she bothered to check (facebook doesn't email you to tell you people have un-tagged themselves)

[MsMadelineashton]

how stupid is the mother I dont know if she has a partner or not but I know someone who works for the police and is involved in child protection and works with peodophiles. An awful lot of them seek single Mum's with daughters. I know it sounds completly neorotic and I am the last person to imagine a peodophile round every corner and in every dark alley but it seems stupid to me to "advertise" a half dressed 12 year old in a suggestive post on a woman's FB profile. I hope she has good privacy settings.

[YellowTulips]

You can't expect to change the mothers behaviour however shocking it is. Quite why she would do this is beyond me, but hey ho.

I think you actually have had a good result here in that you have influenced the behaviour of DSD and how she wants to be perceived.

You never know, she might actually ask her mum to remove the picture...

[elliebellys]

You cant dictate what pictures the ex puts up,the same as she cant tell you what pjctures you show.the good thing is that your sd will now think about what pics shes happy to show of herself.

[Monstroneous]

Kids that age care more what their contemporaries think than their parents... so I would google up some examples of people who have run into trouble because of provocative facebook pictures - there was one recently I believe who got bullied as a revealing picture she permitted to be taken got posted around everywhere - this sort of social embarassment means waaay more to kids than anything you could say about boring old safety!

thetwistgossip.com/2012/10/15/to-the-people-who-bullied-amanda-todd/

www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-2224503/Facebook-forced-remove-Bikini-Jailbait-page-directs-users-hardcore-porn-site.html


Letting your SD see (and discuss) some of these articles might underline some of your concerns (and get her to understand what the consequences can be)

[AnitaBlake]

Report the picture as offensive? Just a thought.

[confuugled]

Sounds like your dh handled it really well and your sdd did really well too - shame that his ex isn't so clued up

Could your dh have a word with his dd's school and get them to run some social media awareness sessions (including some for parents too!), complete with handouts. Might educate his ex but will at least be good for his dd to hear it from school too...

[elliebellys]

Confugled that is such a good sugestion,think all schools should be doin that.

[theredhen]

Ellie,

I suspect all schools do that nowadays. My ds school certainly has done several sessions in it.

[sanityseeker75]

Confugled - I am going to get DH to speak to DSD school, I know they do it in High School but she is still in middle and I think they don't do it there because they are not really meant to be old enough to be on FB anyway.

MsMadelineashton - she is very stupid sometimes, it is always about point scoring and she would never admit that on this occasion she may just have been in the wrong.

Anyway kids came at weekend (always a bit worried when we have a weekend after the weekend before as we never know quiet what we are going to get) and never said a word about it. Me and DSD went out shopping on our own for the afternoon and she still didn't say anything (this is usually when she drops little bomb shells on me). So I am hoping that she either isn't bothered because she knows that we love her regardless of the mind games or she gets her mom was just on the wind up and can see herself that she was wrong. Either way a lovely weekend was had by all .