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space/room issues.. dss to share with ds? 10yr age gap??

(80 Posts)
maryjane29 Thu 18-Oct-12 17:59:47

im having a few problems with the space in our home. we have one dss and 3 dc (2 dd's and 1 ds) of our own.
our dss stays with us every 2nd weekend..he has his own room but now my dh has sugessted that our ds move into the room with him..hes 3yrs and dss 13yrs.. ds previously been sharing with his sisters..is it ok for the boys to share?? anyone had experience of any resentment etc due to a move like this.. seems a shame that the room lies empty for much of the month and our 3 dc are squidged in a room together.
thanx x

Dordeydoo Thu 18-Oct-12 18:05:25

I would move your 3yr old into that empty room, then your dss can share when he stays. As he doesn't stay that often/long it shouldn't be a problem

maryjane29 Thu 18-Oct-12 18:13:33

thank you Dordeydoo..
Im leaning toward this option also.. it just seems a shame not to have the room used, our ds would love to not be in with his sisters.
but we tried it when my ds was a yr younger and my dss went off the rails a bit..ended up not wanting to stay at ours and we never saw him even for visits for over a month.. thats why im extremely reluctant as i undersatnd being a teenager once myself how important your own space is.
thanx again

Dordeydoo Thu 18-Oct-12 18:15:30

Is it possible to have your ds in there when your dss isn't there then just move your ds into the other room when your dss is there

EmpressOfTheSevenScreams Thu 18-Oct-12 18:21:47

Not sure the ds moving out on the dss's weekends would work long term though. The older he gets the more he'll feel that he's giving up HIS room for his brother, surely that will just breed resentment?

If anything I think it would be simpler if you and your DP gave your room to DSS when he comes.

NatashaBee Thu 18-Oct-12 18:22:38

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

maryjane29 Thu 18-Oct-12 18:25:08

this is going to sound terribly selfish of me..but i dont feel it would be fair to keep moving our ds about between rooms every fortnight as he lives here and i also need to concider his needs for space.
oh im afraid im completely torn on what to do..my head and heart are going in opposing directions..move ds in and risk loosing our dss..or keep our dc together with an extra empty room half of the time, think the possibility of moving to a larger house will need to become an option.
Thank you.

Dordeydoo Thu 18-Oct-12 18:27:50

Is it possible for your dss to sleep on a air bed or similar downstairs? That's what i use to have to do when I went and stayed at my dads as his 2other children got the rooms

AThingInYourLife Thu 18-Oct-12 18:28:07

Why not leave things as they are?

Your DSS is a teenager. Having his own room at his Dad's house is important.

maryjane29 Thu 18-Oct-12 18:32:18

NatashaBee..
my dss has quite alot of stuff and the last time we tried to put them together he became ver resentful that our ds was playing with some of his toys..although they are not played with by him when he stays..
the bedtime issue was no probs as our ds sleeps through a hurricane! so he wasnt woken.. its just the logistics that the bother..space/toys/clothes.

maryjane29 Thu 18-Oct-12 18:35:08

AThingInYourLife..
space is fast running out in the dc's room with 3 of them in their toys clothes etc..and its driving me a bit mad that a room lays empty for the majority of the month..my daughters are starting to voice their opinions on the fact aswell and family members are sticking their noses in with it all too. sad Plus im expecting..and we know its a girl which is making me freak out a little..4 in one room??
thank you

Dordeydoo Thu 18-Oct-12 18:39:37

Move your ds and let your dss sulk about it,
Is the room big enough to separate with a divide down the middle?

maryjane29 Thu 18-Oct-12 18:42:24

no im afraid noy.. its just bigger than a box sad.. u have my husbands thoughts exactly.
thank you

EmpressOfTheSevenScreams Thu 18-Oct-12 18:43:58

What did you think about the idea of giving DSSS your room, MaryJane?

5madthings Thu 18-Oct-12 18:43:58

Move your son in BUT make sure there is storage that your dss can keep his stuff in so your ds cannot get it out. He may not play with them.but they are his things and he should be able to leave them in his room without your ds playing with them, so high shelves or something lockable?

maryjane29 Thu 18-Oct-12 18:48:46

its not an option i have thought about to be honest.. im not sure how comfortable id be with that.. we did do similar in the past in an old rental.. myself and dh slept in living room.

EmpressOfTheSevenScreams Thu 18-Oct-12 18:53:48

Tbh I know it would be annoying for you two but it sounds like fairest option for all the DCs and the one that would avoid breeding resentment, especially between the boys.

NatashaBee Thu 18-Oct-12 18:59:32

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

AThingInYourLife Thu 18-Oct-12 19:00:18

I think there is a good argument for waiting until the new baby needs to move out of your room and doing a big "reorganise" of sleeping arrangements.

13 is a very tricky age. If you can kick this down the road a little both your DSS and your DS might be less tricky and more amenable to sharing.

maryjane29 Thu 18-Oct-12 19:10:05

AThingInYourLife..i think that would be a good option, gives us time as.. NatashaBee.. yes we plan to move asap..its just in the mean time what to do with all dc children involved.
thank you

EmpressOfTheSevenScreams Thu 18-Oct-12 19:10:57

The baby's not born yet though so that could be months.

I'm sorry, but it sounds like someone's got to be inconvenienced whatever happens and it's going to be most conducive to family harmony if it's you two.

brdgrl Thu 18-Oct-12 20:29:40

It is ridiculous for three kids who live there fulltime to be sharing, while one child, who has a room in another home as well, has a room to himself even when not there.

I also disagree with the adults being put off of a bedroom to make room for a teenager, although certainly that is preferable to having a room empty much of the time in a crowded house!

I would put it straight to DSS...the room should be DS's, with DSS welcome either to share it when he stays, or if he prefers, to have a sofabed.

allnewtaketwo Fri 19-Oct-12 07:17:58

Your 3 children who live there full time are sharing a room all 3 of them while your dss who comes every other weekend has a room of his own shock.

It will do DSS no harm whatsoever to share a room while he's at your house. Am incredulous at the suggestion that his needs in the home trump everyone elses.

Please don't move your DS to and fro as some posters have suggested. Let him have his room which DSS shares when he comes over. And the girls then share too.

Good luck

AThingInYourLife Fri 19-Oct-12 07:53:18

My sister, brother and I shared a room when we were small and the third bedroom was a guest room/office.

I don't see how this is much different.

It's not some terrible hardship.

Just because there are 3 bedrooms, it doesn't mean they have to be permanently filled.

Dealing sensitively with family members is important.

The 13 year old might only be there 2 night a fortnight, but he's still important and putting a 3 year old into his room (in reality taking away his room in his father's home) needs to be handled sensitively.

I don't think just doing what seems most convenient and letting him lump it is really being fair.

Take your time and do it in the way that will cause the least hurt.

AThingInYourLife Fri 19-Oct-12 08:01:44

And thinking about it, the "guest" room was really my aunt's room.

She is my Mum's youngest sister, and only 10 years older than I (so closer in age than the DSS in this scenario) and she visited lots (but less than every second weekend).

Keeping a room free for a frequent visitor is not unusual or outrageous.

Sure, the time is coming when the arrangements need to change.

But nobody is being treated unfairly under the current arrangement. It's not an injustice that needs to be put right.

Just a sleeping plan that is outliving its usefulness.

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