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Am I about to be unreasonable. Genuinely can't tell. Help!

(34 Posts)
madonnawhore Sun 14-Oct-12 22:48:13

Background: I've been with DP (BF?) for two years. We don't live together but I spend a huge amount of time with him and his DD, we've been on lots of holidays with her, very involved in each other's lives, etc.

I have never met his ex (the mother of his DD). She walked out on him when their DD was two. From what I've seen of the way she handles their 50/50 split I'm not massively impressed with her parenting. She's always asking my DP to take on extra nights during the week and extra weekends. She doesn't offer to swap, she's happy to just forfeit her time with her DD when she's got a better offer. To give you an example; she had her DD for a total of three weekends between the beginning of June and the middle of September. They'd only been back into the 'regular' routine for one fortnight before she was asking my DP to have their DD for an extra weekend because it was her birthday hmm.

Obviously my DP loves the opportunity to spend extra time with his DD but I dunno, it's hard. Anyway, suffice it to say, I'm not that interested in being friendly with her. And so far it hasn't even come up as an issue.

But it's DP's DD's birthday soon. His ex has planned a party and my DP is going with his mum. I know that his ex's new partner will be there but so far there's been no mention of me being there.

To be honest I'd prefer not to go and have to be false with her and pretend that I don't think she's really selfish. But on the other hand if DP's DD asked me to come I absolutely would.

But the thing is I wonder whether DP might be keeping me at arm's length from the party. He just hasn't mentioned it and I don't know whether to be offended that he's not said I should come along, even though I don't want to go anyway. And how allowed is he to invite me anyway since it's his ex organising the party and not him?

I realise I may be being really childish. I just can't really get any perspective on this so I'd welcome others' points of view.

AIBU for wanting to be invited even though I don't want to go?

Is my DP BU for not inviting me?

Or is his ex BU for not inviting me?

Or AIBU to expect to be invited at all despite the fact that I'm very close to his DD and have shared beds with her in holiday, shared tents camping, pick her up from school sometimes, etc?

madonnawhore Sat 20-Oct-12 11:09:31

Good point NotADisneyMum. To be fair my ex was an emotionally abusive sociopath. I am grateful every day that I didn't have children with him!

smilingthroughgrittedteeth Sat 20-Oct-12 11:37:48

Yes she finishes work at 3.30 and usuallly gets home about 6 angry

DSD is 14 (just) and gets the bus home, she gets in about 4.15

DSS is 9, he gets picked up from school by his grandmother (ex's DM) who walks him home and stays with him till DSD gets in, then leaves them too it angry she lives 2 roads away so is close by if needed but quite frankly the whole family are a bunch of selfish morons who only care about themselves.

We have discussed applying for full custody but DSD is adament that she wants to stay where she is and DSS would be miserable without his sister, they have been through a lot due to DP and ex having a rather difficult break up and both have behaved pretty badly in the past to try and hurt each other which has often put the children in the middle. DP thankfully has mended his ways after several good slaps from me but she still uses the children to score points and manipulate DP, for this reason we have decided to respect DSS's decision and just monitor and support the children as much as we can, its not easy or ideal.

We aren't in a position to move closer as DP's dad has alzhemiers and my grandparents both have health issues that mean we need to stay close by.

We have suggested we have them every weekend but DSD was opposed to that because she wouldn't be able to socialise with friends, so we said every other weekend but ex refused that because of the amount of travelling involved which is fair enough, its 2hrs to the half way point where they meet (which is why we do one weekend a month which we make the bank holiday ones on those months and ALL half terms whether its 1 or 2 weeks).

I do sometimes wonder what DP was thinking when he married her, according to his family and best friend she has always been a selfish cow but agree with whoever it was that ssid people change, my ex and I were great together to start but 2yrs into the relationship we were at loggerheads all the time, I'd grown and become more independant and stubborn and he had become more controlling (not abusive), the person I was at the start of that relationship would not have been someone my now DP was attracted to.

madonnawhore Sat 27-Oct-12 17:05:43

So I went to the party and it was fine. Everyone was very civil and polite and on their best behaviour. No issues whatsoever.

But I feel like complete shit. I think maybe it's because DP and I don't have kids together. But I just felt so terrible looking at this woman he has a child with. And they were talking about their DD and this whole birthday party situation was happening because of their child. I dunno it just made me feel horrible watching them parent together.

And I KNOW that I need to grow up and get over myself but am I normal for feeling like this? It really, really hurts in fact. I want us to have children together and a family. And instead he's done it with someone else.

I just hate, hate, hate that I had to spend the whole afternoon in a room with a woman he used to sleep with and tell her he loved her and had a child with. I really fucking resent that. It's not like he ever has to sit in a room with my ex and try not to imagine us having sex or picture how our lives were together or anything.

Ugh, I'm probably not making much sense. Can someone just please give me a slap, or tell me it gets easier, or that I'm not a monstrous woman child?

ProphetOfDoom Sat 27-Oct-12 17:23:04

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

flixy102 Sat 27-Oct-12 17:34:03

Madonna I get you I get you I get you!! I adore my DH but sometimes it's hard when I think of all the 'firsts' he has done with his ex, he had a child with her first, lived with her first etc etc. My DH gets super jealous if I even hint that I've been somewhere/done something with an ex and I want to scream at him 'but I have a constant reminder that you had an ex!!' (Which of course isn't helpful and doesn't reflect how I feel about my DSD).

My DH is lovely and reminds me of all the things that he has done for the first time with me (holidays/marriage etc) which helps bring it all into perspective. The poster below is right, the ex is in the past but you are both his present and his future. smile

brdgrl Sat 27-Oct-12 20:12:03

Yes she finishes work at 3.30 and usuallly gets home about 6 DSD is 14 (just) and gets the bus home, she gets in about 4.15 DSS is 9, he gets picked up from school by his grandmother (ex's DM) who walks him home and stays with him till DSD gets in, then leaves them too it*

So the kids are on their own for a bit less than two hours every afternoon? Is this really a problem...? I admit, I don't see it. If she were working during that time, would you still object? Or is it that she is using that time to run her errands, do other things? [shrugs]

brdgrl Sat 27-Oct-12 20:12:19

sorry, quote fail!

MsMadelineashton Sun 28-Oct-12 02:34:50

Me either brdgirl. And I do doubt that its every night...

I think possibly op is directing anger at this because she hasn't dealt with her other feelings over do having a child with ex. Which is normal in my opinion but not that healthy maybe sad

savemefromrickets Mon 29-Oct-12 02:20:57

I had a party invite once from DP's ex. It was retracted at the last minute so I went for a bikini wax instead which was probably infinitely more pleasant.

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