Background: I've been with DP (BF?) for two years. We don't live together but I spend a huge amount of time with him and his DD, we've been on lots of holidays with her, very involved in each other's lives, etc.
I have never met his ex (the mother of his DD). She walked out on him when their DD was two. From what I've seen of the way she handles their 50/50 split I'm not massively impressed with her parenting. She's always asking my DP to take on extra nights during the week and extra weekends. She doesn't offer to swap, she's happy to just forfeit her time with her DD when she's got a better offer. To give you an example; she had her DD for a total of three weekends between the beginning of June and the middle of September. They'd only been back into the 'regular' routine for one fortnight before she was asking my DP to have their DD for an extra weekend because it was her birthday 
.
Obviously my DP loves the opportunity to spend extra time with his DD but I dunno, it's hard. Anyway, suffice it to say, I'm not that interested in being friendly with her. And so far it hasn't even come up as an issue.
But it's DP's DD's birthday soon. His ex has planned a party and my DP is going with his mum. I know that his ex's new partner will be there but so far there's been no mention of me being there.
To be honest I'd prefer not to go and have to be false with her and pretend that I don't think she's really selfish. But on the other hand if DP's DD asked me to come I absolutely would.
But the thing is I wonder whether DP might be keeping me at arm's length from the party. He just hasn't mentioned it and I don't know whether to be offended that he's not said I should come along, even though I don't want to go anyway. And how allowed is he to invite me anyway since it's his ex organising the party and not him?
I realise I may be being really childish. I just can't really get any perspective on this so I'd welcome others' points of view.
AIBU for wanting to be invited even though I don't want to go?
Is my DP BU for not inviting me?
Or is his ex BU for not inviting me?
Or AIBU to expect to be invited at all despite the fact that I'm very close to his DD and have shared beds with her in holiday, shared tents camping, pick her up from school sometimes, etc?
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Am I about to be unreasonable. Genuinely can't tell. Help!
madonnawhore · 14/10/2012 22:48
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If your DP knows how you feel, he might be nervous of bringing you both together!
To be honest, I'd rise above it - do something nice with your SD to mark her birthday, and don't say to her that you weren't invited if she asks after the event why you weren't there.
Maybe you might need to be slightly more measured in your criticism of the ex. You are only seeing one side of the situation after all. (Although you might be right 
)
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AIBU for wanting to be invited even though I don't want to go?
YANBU because you are human. Unrealistic yes, unreasonable no
Tee hee, I like that. Just about sums up quite a lot about being a step mum
Personally I can see why he and/or she don't feel that it's the right setting for a first meet. Particularly if you really are that vocal about your dislike of her to your DP.
If you ask me, it's best to tone that down if you want him to involve you in thngs like this in the future. It's okay to voice when something she does affects you directly and your partner is being unfair to you etc etc... but slagging her off in other ways is likely to make him hide things and tread on egg shells around you.Getting in too conversations over an unreasonable ex is, at the start of a relationship, something that can happen naturally and help the two of you to bond over shared views and frustrations. But it isn't very healthy in my experience. As they have a child together they need to be civil (sometimes even NICE and 
pleasant!) there'snothing worse than having a good old rant with your partner about what a selish horrible cow bag his ex is, only to discover that the next day theyre laughing and joking together over a cuppa . Rise above it and keep doing what youre doing for the little girl.Plan something nice that the three of you can do to mark her special day, and let her have her party with Mum and Dad.
Hmmmmm, feeling for you with this one! I can totally see where you're coming from and as another post said .... A situation is step mums find ourselves in quite a lot and sums up life as a SM.
I have been with my DP for just over two and a half years, I have two DSs of my own and he has two DSs .... Four boys under 7!! They get in great for the most part. We recently bought a house together and prior to that spent every other weekend together which is when we have all the boys.
I've not really had much to do with his ex - partly because he has never encouraged it and partly because I don't feel right about it. I have though, since we have been living together seen her quite a few times and its polite but nothing more. I think we both feel quite uncomfortable. I can imagine though that my DP feels hugely uncomfortable about it and I do understand that. Only last week I took my DSs to McDonald's as a treat because they had both had great school reports from parents evening .... And his ex was there with the eldest DSS!! We ended up all on a table together because the boys wanted to sit together but when I told my DP about it I could see how uncomfortable it made him. Tonight, she came and picked up DSSs and she mentioned to both of us that there was a bonfire/fireworks do at his eldest DS's school and that we were all invited 
.... I think she noticed the look on my face and said she would leave it with us but my DP said as soon as she was gone how NOT keen on the idea he is!! Although I can see the reason she asked -they had one last year and my DP went to be with his boys but I was not invited and would not have gone anyway. I too am not keen on us all going but she has asked us because her eldest asked if my two boys could go too - it's all so innocent for the children they (the lucky things) don't get the uncomfortableness of it all!
I can see why you might be miffed about not being invited, but I feel sooooo weird that she has invited us to the fireworks!!!!
It's hard being a step mum 
I realise that I didn't really answer your questions!!
I would defo not feel bad towards DP - in his mind it is just weird, has no bearing on your importance in his life - just a strange situation to have you at a party where his ex and her family are there.
As for the ex - whether the split was amicable, mutual, her leaving, him leaving - I think it's hard as the ex to accept another woman in your DCs life - I know that even though I have my DSC I find it hard to imagine what my XH's new partner is like with MY boys . They really like her and talk about her but I find t really hard. And if I had a party for my DCs and invited their father, I wouldn't want his new partner there.
I hope that helps - it isn't easy, but as the previous poster said - YANBU just human!!
Imtheonlyone, why is your dp so uncomfortable with it? I mean, of course it's a little cringey but the way his ex is being sounds like something I could only dream of. Well, saying that, my DH's ex used to be very very pally with me and invite me to loads of things. Only to spend the event launching passive aggressive verbal grenades at me 
but I invite my dds sm to things and dd loves it. We're not "friends" as such and I think my ex does find it icky (probably in case I tell her of past indiscretions that I'm sure he'd rather she stayed in the dark about!!) but the look on my dds face with all her favourite grown ups at her birthday or play or whatever is worth it.
Unlike with OP though, we all met through pick ups and drop offs so there was no tension by the time it got to the birthdays.
Good luck 
I'm pleased for you that you got invited. As you say, it's for your DSD and that's what matters. And yes, we should be thinking about the little ones here.
I do appreciate that. I don't really know why my DP feels so weird about it - he does like to compartmentalise (is that a word??!!!) his life in many ways! He rarely mixes work with his private life and as I've said, it was a long time before I met his XDP. I know he loved her dearly and she did the nasty on him in a big way (was sleeping around in the day when he was at work, swinging websites and messaging random men at all times of the day) he was heartbroken. Also, this invitation is out of the ordinary because she is normally a complete bitch to him and has plenty to bitch about me in the past!! I know it should be all friendly and grown up but alas is rarely the case!
Maybe he doesn't want the two of us talking .... I know things, she knows things ... Dunno!!! But I can understand that I wouldn't particularly want my XH'S new partner at my kids' parties ..... I can see why that makes a mother feel uncomfortable.
I know what you mean .... We've been through similar! Every holiday she expects us to have the boys at least half and normally more yet she appears to spend very little of her holiday time with the boys when they're off school. This year she has had 8 days so far and that actually includes Christmas where we've just realised that she has worked it so she has then the bank holidays but we have them on the working days so we have to take the holiday! She has always been like this. On her weekends my DP will always get a text from her asking if he wants them for a day - it's like she can't cope or doesn't care or can't be bothered .... It is hugely frustrating! Personally I want to spend as much holiday time with my DCs as possible but she really doesn't! 8 days over a year .... What does she do with all her other leave days? It is frustrating - I've learnt to let it go a bit .... It's her loss at the end of the day and frustrating as it is (and hard work as it is for us) we're happy to have the boys. I know my DP is happy to see them whenever we can.
It's hard not to know what she's taking the piss though - does she genuinely need our help to have the boys cos she is working or is she 'busy' with her other life?? We don't know. Sometimes we accommodate and others we don't.
Just be the best SM you can be, welcome them when they're with you and make them feel welcome and loved. They are only kids once, when they grow up it will be different. I'm sure his boys will want to come less when they're older .... They'll have things on or want to be with their friends at home.
It's her loss if she doesn't want to spend time with them - frustrating for you I know - but her loss - you sound like you're doing a great job
Oh god the holiday thing is a massive issue here to.
We live the other end of the country so only see the dsc one weekend a month and have them every half term, because DP uses his holiday up for the half terms it means he doesn't have enough to split the summer holidays 50:50 so has 2 weeks off to spend with them, ex kicks off every year about how she can't find childcare for the week she considers should be ours.
It really pisses me off because the same happens every year DP gets guilted into having them for the 3rd week so we juggle childcare (DP works nights and I'm a nanny and work 12hr days) which mostly means a mixture of the kids entertaining themselves while DP sleeps all day and youngest DSS coming to work with me (try to only do this once or twice as don't want to take advantage of my bosses good will) BUT here's the problem for her 3 weeks she leaves DSD (just 14) to look after DSS while she works/goes shopping/goes out to dinner and then books her holiday for the 3 weeks we have them and swans off abroad, my SC are lovely children and it makes me furious that DSD gets treated like unpaid childcare just because their mother can't be bothered to spend time with her children and considers it her right to have a childfree holiday
Just to add its not like she never gets time to herself, DSD looks after DSS after school and cooks them both tea (ex finishes work at 3.30 but goes shopping/to get her hair or nails done/cinema after work and palms them off to who ever she can at the weekends so she can go out friday and saturday nights.
I've learnt not to be so vocal in my opinions of ex to DP because it puts him in the middle and causes arguments between us, I rant on here or to my mum she never offers an opinion but listens and doesn't judge
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It's infuriating. Why the hell did these women bother having children?
Especially in my DP's ex's case. They have 50:50 so she gets exactly the same amount of free time as he does. But somehow it's that much harder for her and she deserves more time to herself .
Also, does anyone ever get angry at their DP's for having children with these selfish women?
In DP's specific circumstances I do sometimes wonder what the hell he was thinking and how on earth he ever thought it would turn out any other way.
I realise that's very unfair and I would never say it out loud. I do adore DP and his DD. I'm only saying it on here because it's anonymous and I can let my secret horrible mean side out 'safely'.
madonna It's a lot easier to understand if you have a bonkers difficult ex yourself!
I had DD with a man who has proven to be unreasonable, selfish, controlling and insecure. When I married him we were both very different people
I know why I married my ex, and understand why DP married his - at that time, neither if us would have been attracted to each other 
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