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DSD's bloody phone bill - sounding off here so I can be supportive in RL

(34 Posts)
madelineashton Tue 09-Oct-12 14:36:07

A few of you will remember that the phone bill was what triggered the ultimate, or rather final, breakdown in DH and DSD's relationship. Also that since then (May) every phone bill has also been way over what it should be but that DH was scared to do anything about it. Well, it's happened again - only this time it's massive. He just text me and I thought we could talk about how to handle it tonight once he's had a chance to calm down but apparently he's already told DSD about it being so much and she is "sorry" and "understands".

WTF... she doesn't even so much as text him on that bloody phone. She ignores texts and calls from my poor little DD who is heartbroken by DSD's selfish behaviour. She gives sweet fuck all to DH, or anyone connected to him. But expects to keep being able to run up huge telephone bills and he'll just pay them... duh, of course she does because he WILL!!!!

I asked him how he felt about it and he said "Furious. But if I do anything I risk alientaing her completely" he's hanging on to the tiny scraps of a relationship that he has left by paying whatever she wants on the phone. She has unlimited calls and texts, and 750 online time. But runs up the bill by going over the online time (gets a text when she's close and has an app where she can check useage so no excuse) and by messaging pictures to her friends. She just doesn't care.

The tiny scrap of relationship he is holding on to is that she will respond to him if he texts her (a day or so later and with one or two words, usually negative ones) The only fairly pleasant conversation she has with him is once a month when he tells her that her phonebill is huge and she then manages to speak to him on the phone, and somehow persuades him to take no action.

It's a fucking joke. It really is. I feel so so so sad for him. I know there are days where I can forgive her and feel sorry for her for the difficult position she's in, and I know I should always feel that way given that it really isn;t her fault that she is how she is. But today I have no sympathy. She is a nasty manipulative little cow just like her mother and can go to hell for what she's put my family through. My DD is in therapy, my relationship is going down the toilet, and DH is depressed. Meanwhile she sits in her lovely big house with her "new" family and witters on and on about what a wonderful woman her mother is having "survived" such a cruel and unfair life yet still managing to raise two wonderful children. Never mind that she's actually had three children and had one adopted (which she conveniently forgets along with the fact that her new partner isn't DSD's real father), and that the third one is only a few months old so Christ knows what will become of it. I should imagine it will be the "scapegoat", poor little bugger.


madelineashton Wed 10-Oct-12 23:22:37

NADM, sometimes not very often, but I do have a heart after all I feel sad for the ex as she had a non-existent relationship with her Dad. He was an abusive alcoholic who abandoned her and her mother then died in a drink drive accident. She and her Mum only had each other then her mum died and left her with her new husband who remarried a truly Wicked SM... So all in all a very tragic life and no understanding of a healthy parent/child relationship. I mostly like to believe that she has no idea what she is doing to her Dd sad then at other times I feel incredibly frustrated that she hasn't managed to use the resources at her disposal to sort herself out angry

madelineashton Wed 10-Oct-12 23:23:06

And as a result my DD is in therapy!!! angryangryangry

Cloverhoney Thu 11-Oct-12 11:41:04

Thanks ladies and sorry to hijack your posts Madelineashton.

Someone told me yesterday about PAYG phones where you can only call certain numbers so we could set it up so SC could only call our house, their Dad's mobile, grandparents etc. That sounds like a plan. The mobile will prob be 'lost' in the black hole that is BM's house anyway hence really don't want to sign up to an expensive contract.

It's such a minefield this stuff isn't it? I think it is mostly about control in our case I'm afraid. BM feels threatened my DH's relationship with SC. Perhaps more so by my relationship with SC. I can understand why and empathize to a point. What I can't understand is why she doesn't seem at all able to put her own feelings to one side for the sake of her children. :-(((

Moominsarescary Thu 11-Oct-12 11:47:45

We ended up getting ds1 a pay and go, you can look at different options, some give unlimited calls for a certain amount a month and you can buy bolt ons to give you unlimited texts

madelineashton Thu 11-Oct-12 16:38:32

Thanks so much whoever reported that I used one of the girl's names!!!! What a div!

charlearose Thu 11-Oct-12 17:46:47

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

madelineashton Thu 11-Oct-12 19:11:30

It was really the internet use that was the problem - and sending picture messages. DSD lives on Facebook, Instgram, Tumbler, itunes, spotify etc. She would literally die if it was suggested that she would have a pay as you go phone with £10 a month on it. She has unlimited calls and texts and 750mb of internet and it wasn't enough....

NotaDisneyMum Thu 11-Oct-12 19:22:29

Well - she's going to have a shock now then! When will it be cut off?

Is he going to tell her in advance or wait for her to work it out? She will scream all sorts of obscenities at him - he'll need a lot of support not to cave in; especially when she turns on the waterworks!

madelineashton Thu 11-Oct-12 19:31:17

Thats the weird thing... He has told her and it was cut off immediately. She didn't really out up a fight. She wouldnt answer her phone so it was over text. Initially she said she was sorry and she hadn't intended to go over and would he please give her another chance. He siad that he felt like that is all she wants him for and that he felt like she was being cruel to keep on knowingly go over her phone limit so he had no choice but to follow through and cut it off. She just responded with "I'm sorry, I understand" and that was it.

Which as he said himself - just makes him feel even more shit. When I woke up this morning he had been awake a while and was looking voer the texts again and again. He asked me what i thought she meant and I said it could be one of many things and we would never know. Maybe she said that in the hope that he would think she was being grown up and had learnt her lesson so he'd connect the phone again.... maybe she has finally realised that it's worng to expect the guy she hates to pay for her phone.... maybe she is genuinely bored with the whole thing.... maybe Mum has told her that she had to keep going with him paying for the phone as long as possible but that ultimately if he did cut it off, Mum would just get her a new one... there are a hundred possibilities. But he is just beating himself up trying to work it all out.

He feels like he's severed the final connection that they had. Which has set him back to depressed withdrawn mode all over again... sad

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