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Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

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Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

Step-parenting

Teenage stepsons in our bedroom

325 replies

allnewtaketwo · 07/10/2012 20:17

Yesterday, DSS (16) was in our bedroom, solely because he needed to print something out (i wasn't aware of this at the time). At one point I heard banging and thumping around upstairs and asked DH to go up and see what was going on. Turns out both DSSs were play? fighting in our bedroom, on our bed. I was very annoyed, and said to DH that I don't want them in our bedroom anymore. Not only is that the one room in our house that I can have any privacy, but I think I can reasonably expect to not having a young adult model and his teenage brother fighting on my bed.

Roll forward to today. I was walking upstairs and saw DSS1 walking into my bedroom. 5 mins before, I had been busy on the computer in the bedroom (online banking) and also had out some underwear on radiator to dry. Had only left room to go to loo. I spoke to DH and turns out he'd told DSS he could use put computer.

I was very annoyed and DH couldn't understand why. We have a laptop FGS. Am do cross. I don't think I'm unreasonable in not wanting to have a 16 year old male in my bedroom, let alone seeing my private banking details. Am just having a rant here!

OP posts:

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AlmostAHipster · 07/10/2012 20:19

I would be very cross too. It sounds like your DH isn't taking your needs very seriously. You have my sympathy.

Arisbottle · 07/10/2012 20:20

Do you not trust your stepson ?

onceortwice · 07/10/2012 20:21

Eeww... I wouldn't deal with that either. I have two DSDs (One nearly 18 who has had a serious BF, and the only reason he is allowed to stay is they have a separate house in the grounds, so not in our house....

Can you move the PC or speak to your DH?

Inneedofbrandy · 07/10/2012 20:21

Would you feel the same way about a bio 16 son?

I hate anyone in my bedroom as it's my room. I wouldn't let my dc play in it, your dh should have enforced it if you agreed that. So not your dss fault he was in there.

omletta · 07/10/2012 20:25

Really? You don't want your DSS in your bedroom? I find that very odd, how long have you been his stepmom?

allnewtaketwo · 07/10/2012 20:25

My DS is definitely not allowed to fight on my bed, no. And no, when he's a teenager he will use a laptop, not the desktop in my bedroom.

Nothing to do with trust. I trust my friends, but certainly wouldn't want them seeing my banking details. Same for my parents, siblings. Banking details are private, nothing to do with trust. Same with underwear!

OP posts:

allnewtaketwo · 07/10/2012 20:27

Omelette are you a step patent?

There is absolutely no reason whatsoever for him to be fighting iny bedroom. Or using the pc. There is a family laptop downstairs which he is free to use at any time

OP posts:

allnewtaketwo · 07/10/2012 20:28

And yes, its most definitely my DH I'm cross with. Everyone had the right to sp d privacy. A 16 year old might not understand or respect that, but an adult should.

OP posts:

brdgrl · 07/10/2012 20:33

I don't mind my stepkids knocking at the door, being asked in, and staying for a chat. I would very much mind them being in our bedroom when we are not there, or rough-housing on our bed.

And I do not want my DSCs or my DD seeing our banking details, our emails, or our internet history. It is not appropriate.

Does your DH have reasonable boundaries with the kids in other areas of life?

omletta · 07/10/2012 20:34

Its Omletta and yes I am a step parent and can't imagine banning my steps from any room, ever. In the same way as my children will never be banned from any room
The fighting I agree is unacceptable, but just being in your room, particularly when the printer is in there is surely normal?

ecuse · 07/10/2012 20:41

Oh... It's difficult. Do they live with you? I can see both sides.

From their point of view - this is (I'm assuming at least part time) their home. It's weird for them if there are areas they're banned from, and may make them feel unwelcome or uncle. If you were their mum I doubt you'd give it a second thought. Unless there's some particular cause for concern about theft or inappropriate sexual stuff you're not telling us then it's just a bit of laundry and a browser window they won't have the least interest in.

What this seems to say is that you don't feel they're part of your family and that you tolerate them rather than welcome or love them. If that's the case then YANBU to want or even need a sanctuary from them and your DH should back you up because it's your house too.

But you should know that the kids will pick up on that and so will your DH and I would think that would have repercussions for your family dynamics.

ecuse · 07/10/2012 20:43

Erm ... uncomfortable not uncle... Bloody autocorrect.

Arisbottle · 07/10/2012 20:45

I am a step parent, my biological children often wander into my bedroom and therefore I allow my stepson to do the same.

I only use Internet banking on my iPad so it would not be left open. Do not feel a need to hide from my stepson though

brdgrl · 07/10/2012 20:51

I just don't think it is weird at all to have rooms in the home that are not open to the children. My DSCs aren't allowed in my office, and as I say above, I would expect them to keep out of our bedroom, unless invited in. The same will apply to my DD (she is only 2 at the moment, so no, she doesn't have free rein of the house anyway!). I wouldn't say "banned", I think that is a loaded word - but no, they aren't welcome in those rooms unless invited. ACtually, I don't go in my DH's ofice unless invited!

I think it is absolutely wrong to suggest that the OP needs to have all areas of the home open to the children at all times, or else she is somehow mistreating them or making them feel 'not part of the family'. It should be naturalised - if it is presented to the children as something normal and respectful, that is how they will understand it.

PenguinBeak · 07/10/2012 20:58

No DCs - bio or otherwise - allowed in our bedroom without knocking and supervised; my DD irons in our room once a week while I tidy/MN/chat in the sane room and DSS occasionally knocks in the night if his sleep is disturbed but we expect our privacy to be respected.

In return, we ensure that neither DC invades each others privacy, and we respect theirs - although we reserve the right to enter their rooms at any time, it's our house and they are not entitled to privacy, it is a privilege they have earned.

colditz · 07/10/2012 21:00

I don't think children wandering in and out of your room, bio or step, is normal at all. Everyone I know has a ban on their children playing in the mother's bedroom. It's a big no no here, whether you're related to me or not.

Bonsoir · 07/10/2012 21:01

I don't like my DSSs going in my bedroom or bathroom. They do tend to hang around outside the door of our bedroom too, waiting for DP to come out, and I find that very annoying and invasive of my privacy. They take up a lot of space and I do need somewhere I can go that I can relax in!

allnewtaketwo · 07/10/2012 21:01

I am the sort if person who needs some personal space and a sanctuary. My bedroom is the only place in the house that affords me this. I hadn't 'banned' anyone from anywhere except that they were fighting on my bed and I was cross, yes, as its so dis-respectful and inappropriate. I don't thinks it's unreasonable to not want a 6 ft tall young adult male fighting my bed. nothing to do with not being welcome in the house at all. And in fact I wouldn't dream of wandering into their bedroom, they have a right to privacy as well

OP posts:

Bonsoir · 07/10/2012 21:02

I don't go into my DSSs' room either.

NotaDisneyMum · 07/10/2012 21:03

Bonsoir I thought my DSS was alone in loitering outside our bedroom door waiting for his Dad!
It's really creepy!

allnewtaketwo · 07/10/2012 21:05

Bonsoir it's exactly that. Older teenage boys indeed do take up a lot of space. There is no shortage of rooms at all in our house for them to have their stuff or wander in and out of.

OP posts:

Bonsoir · 07/10/2012 21:08

NADM - DSS1 (not DSS2) actually waits for DP outside the loo!

ravenAK · 07/10/2012 21:09

Mine are banned from my study, unless they knock, & dh's studio is also invitation only.

They wouldn't be expected to be in our bedroom unless they came in to see one of us - no playing in there.

Don't think it makes a difference whether they're steps or not, tbh.

Bonsoir · 07/10/2012 21:09

allnewtaketwo - we have no shortage of space either - the DSSs have their own (huge) bedroom, bathroom and loo, and there is lots of communal space. But they seem to use it all up!

Inertia · 07/10/2012 21:10

No need for any children (step or bio) to be playing in their parents' bedroom. Our two are much younger and have always known from toddlerhood that they are not allowed in our room unless we are there and have said they can come in, or if they need us during the night.

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