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always the bad cop? AIBU?

(29 Posts)
taxiforme Sun 07-Oct-12 00:06:10

Sound familiar?

DSD2 is 15 in a few weeks. She has "planned" that she is getting an Ipod touch. Which my DH has "said" she will "pay half" with her birthday money.

I find out tonight, that she has also "planned" and told 3 friends that we will be taking them to London "shopping" and then for a meal. We live 150 miles from London. Train tickets for 6 of us (her three friends and both DH and me who she wants to come) are £160 for all of us, driving not an option as car too small and 300 miles in a day then London for 8 hours... err no.

Meal out with drinks (£20 each?) and burger/sarnie lunch (£7 each?) in central London for six?

Asked her what she would be using to go "shopping" with... "her birthday money" was the reply..so that's the birthday money for the ipod touch?

Its my only Saturday off that month.

I have just explained to her how much this will all cost and all that DD1 had was a sleepover for her party a couple of weeks ago. Can she maybe take only one friend or just go with one of us? It's not her 18th FFS.

Did not go down well.

I have just been presented with a spreadsheet made by her and DH. Cost is £297!! I am at a loss.

Mum is RP, she is not involved in any of this as far as I am aware as I am certain it would be a non starter with her. She would be horrified at the expense. DD2 is slow to mature (has not started periods yet) and can be attention seeking.

Yes we can afford it, but I am NOT as a matter of principle, spending £300 on this "party". If I give in, where will it stop?

When I say "I" I have a very good job, my DH would not be able to afford all these things without my help.

I have no kids of my own.

Help.

NotaDisneyMum Sun 07-Oct-12 01:01:21

Your DH has budgeted a trip to London for his DD, using shared money, without consulting you - and has told his DD about it?

Being bad cop isn't the issue - being taken for granted by your DH is sad

ChaoticismyLife Sun 07-Oct-12 09:47:50

I agree with NADM. The problem here is your DH. You need to sit down and have a chat with him and point out how unfair he is being.

taxiforme Sun 07-Oct-12 11:15:56

No, sorry, my DH hasn't budgeted/planned it. In fact she first came to him with an idea of staying overnight in London and he told her to think again, maybe a meal and a film/bowling locally or maybe a shopping and lunch trip to a local city.

She did think again..but not what he expected and she has invited her friends and presented us with a fait accompli.

My DH has played the "Ok..what do you think Taxi?" When I said that it was just too expensive and to re think again it was then my DH got involved with her planning and the ridiculous spreadsheet (sensing the disappointment lip trembling and "its not fair"and disney dadding overload).

He has actually played a blinder now as his answer to her is to make the trip conditional on his ExW paying a "contribution" of £90 which is half the cost of DD2's friends.

I am not sure whether to laugh or cry. I can see the sense in this if it were a party with a sensible budget which she could attend if she wanted to. ExW is absolutely bound to say no. Result. We don't go. Exw is the meanie (and me).

Why can't he JUST SAY NO?

Rages at computer...angry

Qwertyytrewq Sun 07-Oct-12 11:54:36

If I could afford it, I'd do it.

NatashaBee Sun 07-Oct-12 11:58:47

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ChaoticismyLife Sun 07-Oct-12 12:20:05

I still think he's being unfair, to both you and his ex. He is his daughter's parent not her friend and needs to learn to say no. An Ipod touch and a shopping trip to London is too excessive for a 15th, she'll be expecting a trip to New York, all expenses, including spending money, paid for her 18th at this rate.

glasscompletelybroken Sun 07-Oct-12 12:52:13

I think when she came to you and her dad with this plan he should have jusr laughed and straight away said it was out of the question. Why does she think she can just make a plan like this with her friends and then present it to the adults who will be paying and expect it to happen?

I would definately say no and make it clear that in future she has to discuss what she would like to do for her birthday with the adults first and that will avoid her having the embarrassing disappontment of telling her friends it's not happening.

I don't know why it still shocks me that so many step-kids have this overwhelming sense of entitlement!

glasscompletelybroken Sun 07-Oct-12 12:53:56

Also Qwertyytrewq - even if I could afford this, and more, I would not do it now because of the way it has been presented by this spoilt child.

mrsfuzzy Sun 07-Oct-12 13:06:31

glass, i totally agree with you, give in and you make a rod for your own back. qwerty? no way jose. all parties have made their stand but who is exactly the parent here? it's sad when relationships/ marriages break up but parents cannot be emotionally blackmailed by their kids for it happening, because that all it is at the end of the day, i hate you, youre mean, quivering lip. yes, have a tantrum if you want but i will only listen when you calm down. it isn't just about the money aspect, but she has made arrangments that she had no right to do, she is stropping because she doesn't want to lose face with her mates, dad needs to step up to the mark and you all need to talk about what is feasible to do, she might act like a diva but she'll get over it. it might be a case of take the revised offer or nothing at all. noone should be dictated to by their kids.

talkingnonsense Sun 07-Oct-12 13:10:29

Also if you spend that on her what about poor dsd1? Can you remind dh what he did for his eldest dd?

VBisme Sun 07-Oct-12 13:52:47

Of course it's too much, kids try to push their luck, it's up to the parents to control it.
I get stuck paying for most things for the step kids, and I'm starting to resent them for it, don't let that happen to you.sad

colditz Sun 07-Oct-12 13:56:52

You can just say no. She is not bad to ask for it, and you are.not bad to say no!

taxiforme Sun 07-Oct-12 14:34:18

Thanks all for your support.

I have laid it on the line that he plan is too extravagant in every respect. We have finally come to an agreement. That she can have the same in money terms as DSD1 had for her 15th birthday (Thorpe Park with one friend buy one get one free in). She has even worked out how much we would have spent on petrol!

I suspect that this is all a flash in the pan and having slept on it and chatted to DH a bit more. I suspect also, sadly, that DSD2 is trying to "buy" friendships with some of the cooler girls. DSD2 is not academic, she is not great at sport, she is large in every respect- nearly six foot and a size 18 with size 9 feet - and is yet to find her elegant side (Hollister is a pipe dream for her) and seems to be left behind by her old friends.

In any event, no one has consulted DH exW. DSD1 and DSS are not included in the plans. ExW is being asked to pay for some of it, she is being asked to have DSD1 and DSS all Saturday (and likely Sat night) as it is an access weekend. DSD1 and DSS are missing out on a weekend with their dad...

I suspect that all this is symptomatic of a child who is needy and attention seeking. Both her mum and dad have recently re married - even our respective honeymoons were subject of her comments. When DH exW re married recently DSD2 commented to us that "mum took us on honeymoon with her as she loves us so much".

mrsfuzzy Sun 07-Oct-12 14:43:32

sounds like you hit the nail on the head with the attention thing, it's a shame there is so much pressure on kids to feel that they must be better than everyone else to be popular,

talkingnonsense Sun 07-Oct-12 16:47:39

Poor poppet I feel sorry for her now! Can you find some inexpensive confidence boosting thing to do- Zumba? Cooking course? Pet?

nkf Sun 07-Oct-12 16:52:03

I think she is asking for too much and your husband is being weak and foolish. Can't see what you've done wrong.

nkf Sun 07-Oct-12 16:54:22

Also, why do the other siblings miss out on time with their father? And why does the ex have to pay towards it?

SminkoPinko Sun 07-Oct-12 17:18:15

Agree that you shouldn't have to fund her party and that her parents aren't handling this very well, especially her father.

But are you aware that you sound like you don't like her very much at all? You haven't mentioned anything positive about her but have said she's attention seeking, fat, inelegant and needy.sad

taxiforme Sun 07-Oct-12 18:21:31

Sminko, I appreciate what you say and yes, I expected that comment to be honest. It's fair to say that I am a little fed up with her attitude at the moment, too and really am taking on board that DH needs to man up with this. It shouldnt be for me to have this conversation with myself/mummsnetters.

I would never use the words "fat". She is 14 and a size 18, she has size 9 feet and is nearly six feet tall. These are objective facts. She is large (subjective, but I doubt those statistics could be anything else). I refered to her not "finding her elegant side" as a way to express that change that teenage girls go through, some earlier, some later, where they are suddenly self aware. All of a sudden, almost a woman. I used the phrase "left behind" I only wish you could see her with the said "friends" the contrast is palpable.

The photos of me circa 1982 could be described as " taxi seeking and not yet finding her elegant side by way of Chelsea Girl".

I refered to "symptomatic" of needy and attention seeking. Wouldn't you agree? It might be symptomatic of autistim/ADHD? Maybe not. This is not the first time this type of "it's all about me" behaviour has raised it's head.

However, in the context I was writing those comments it was, in a safe environment, to illustrate (writ large I admit) how she appears in contrast to her friends at the moment and a possible reason why she has gotten into this daft plan and put all thought of others aside in the first place.

My reasoning and explanation of why she has been left behind (which is also based on other things that have happened over the past year or so) wouldn't make sense if I had said she was the cool, trendy, homecoming queen, clever yet popular.

Otherwise we have always had a very good relationship and I have known her for 5 years now. I have taken her recently to a West end show on her own, taken her and DD1 shopping and we have just been on a great family holiday.

mrsfuzzy Sun 07-Oct-12 20:03:31

taxi, you dont need to justify yourself to anyone, its good that you are sorting this out though. whatever you end up doing for the birthday have fun!

brdgrl Sun 07-Oct-12 20:25:30

taxi, it sounds like you have dealt with this well, agree that you do not need to justify yourself.
A "flat no" would have been entirely reasonable. As it is, it sounds a reasonable if imperfect compromise, and at least you and your DH have arrived at the end solution together.

Tryharder Sun 07-Oct-12 20:29:56

If you can afford it, why not? Why can't you do what she wants instead of always saying no just because you don't really like her.

brdgrl Sun 07-Oct-12 20:36:06

If you can afford it, why not? Why can't you do what she wants instead of always saying no just because you don't really like her.

Tryharder, is this how you parent, really? Anything your child asks for? The only limit is your bank balance?

waltermittymissus Sun 07-Oct-12 20:36:14

Your DH was completely out of order to help her plan this! Completely! I'd be fuming!

And I know he didn't do it to beging with, but he shouldn't have done it AT ALL.

Does he often leave you to do the no's? Because if so, you need to have some SERIOUS words with him. I can't stand this Disney dad bullshit.

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