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Am I mad? WSM gone soft!

(11 Posts)
NotaDisneyMum Fri 05-Oct-12 23:14:23

My DSD spoke to me for the first time in 2 years this week. We said hello to each other.

The back story is that she was 12 years old when I became a part of her Dads life, she was subject to a great deal of pressure from her mums side of the family and eventually gave her Dad an ultimatum to choose between his partner (me) and her. He refused to give me up for her, she refused to have anything to do with him (or me).

Over the last 6 months, DP has begun to re-establish a relationship with her and I've willingly given them the space in our home to do that by going out or staying out of the way when she visits. We briefly came into contact during the last visit because it was at short notice and I had things to finish off. DP is gradually working towards the idea of DSD spending time with me in the future.

Anyway - against that backdrop - we're looking for someone to pop in and feed/exercise our dogs when we're away from home for a long day next month.
Am I mad to have suggested to DP that DSD might want to do it to earn some extra cash? Based on what he's told me, she's perfectly capable, and is rather pay her than a stranger? Opinions?

purpleroses Fri 05-Oct-12 23:20:09

Why not? Small steps in the right direction...

theredhen Sat 06-Oct-12 07:21:14

Do you think it might look like you're "using" her? I know you would be paying her but might it look like to her that you're needing some help, so as she's back on the scene you expect her to do it?

I know you don't mean it like that and I don't know her personality but it might come across as a bit if a "cheek".

mummytime Sat 06-Oct-12 07:33:11

I would get him to ask with no pressure, and have a back up available.

Thumbwitch Sat 06-Oct-12 07:37:58

It might be too soon - and if anything went even remotely wrong, it might set everything back enormously.

But still, probably worth at least asking her if she'd like to, with the proviso, as mummytime says, that there's no pressure to say yes and you can easily get someone else but you thought she might like the extra cash so gave her first refusal.

thinkfast Sat 06-Oct-12 07:41:13

Could you phrase it as we offering £x for someone to feed the cat while we re away. Can you think of anyone who we can really trust who might like to do it?

brdgrl Sat 06-Oct-12 10:44:11

Does she normally have a key to the place to come and go as she likes (thogh obviously hasn't 'liked' to for some time).

I think I would be uncomfortable - at this stage in the reconciliation - to have her in the house when I was not there.

Too soon, in my opinion.

NotaDisneyMum Sat 06-Oct-12 10:53:34

No, she hasn't got a key - and we know she's capable of snooping because she told her dad recently that she read all her mums divorce paperwork that she found when home alone!

Thumbwitch Sat 06-Oct-12 11:20:43

Umm, well I'm not sure I'd want her loose in my home under the current circumstances then! In another while, when she has demonstrated that she has come around to you more, then perhaps - but one "hello" isn't enough, IMO.

2blessed2bstressed Sat 06-Oct-12 11:31:45

I would be a little bit worried about someone who has had such a problem with me in the past, having free access to my home when I wasn't there, to be honest.
I see that you're trying to do a nice thing, but I don't know if I could be so trusting. Other than her issues with you, is she normally a good kid? Maybe my view is coloured by the fact that dsd1 has been in all manner of trouble, and nearly set fire to my kitchen last year...even though dp and I were in the house!

Eliza22 Thu 18-Oct-12 08:58:31

I'd say no. Get someone else. Simply on the basis of it being too soon. Your dp is just about getting a relationship going again. Nothing has really changed for YOU. How old is she now, by the way?

That's a BIG ultimatum "her or me". I don't think you've really turned a corner with this sd. My own dh has recently restarted seeing his sd after 16 months of "I won't visit you as I can't stand HER" (me). At the moment, I'm like you and he needs to see his daughter (she's just started uni). I have no intention in putting myself in the firing line of her vitriol again. Actually, I can't actually see myself ever having any king of relationship with her again. I'd be aghast at the thought of her let loose in our home whilst we're away.

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