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Step son's abusive step father

(8 Posts)
Gingersnap88 Wed 03-Oct-12 10:17:50

DSS's mum is getting back together with her partner after a month apart. He'll be moving back in after a few weeks. DSS is really upset, says he doesn't want to live with someone who is mean to him and his mum sad and who hurts him when they play fight. He's angry at his mum too as he feels betrayed (he tried to protect her during the last argument where he threatened to hit her).
What can we do to support and protect him?
DH and ex having been arguing as she wants DH to talk to DSS about accepting her partner which DH will not to (he has tried to be very positive before this last argument, the threat of violence is too much for him).
I'm scared and very worried. Any advice?

LondonInBoots Wed 03-Oct-12 18:39:49

Would DSS be able to move in with you and DH and not live ft with the mother and boyfriend? It would take him out of harms way, and prove to his mother that he is serious, and would hopefully make her think about deciding to live with the bf?

Also, tell his school that you are concerned so they can keep an eye and offer him support, and can contact you or DH if he comes in with buries one day or something?

taxiforme Tue 09-Oct-12 00:16:41

How old is DSS?
Are SS involved? Were the police involved?

My frank advice that, in order to protect him he needs to be removed from the threat of violence in the home. These type of incidents are rarely a flash in the pan. Leopard and spots for the abusive SD.

Poor kid, makes me want to weep, you sound fantastically supportive and your DH is on side. I expect that DSS is feeling that his views don't matter even on the most important things and very conflicted. Just listen to him as much she you can and provide a safe place for him.

Gingersnap88 Tue 09-Oct-12 07:44:42

DSS is 7. SS are not involved, they have been once before. I feel it's in DSS best interest to notify DSS for his protection (as well as the school) but DH doesn't want to cause trouble (ex has a habit of with-holding contact and telling DSS that daddy doesn't love him etc). He says he has to wait and let her make her mistakes.
I find this very difficult as for me, it's a dangerous situation. The poor lad was saying how much he hates this man, and now his mum has had a chat with him and apparently now he doesn't mind this bloke being part of his life again. I just don't see it personally, and am at a loss as to why she would do this to her son.
I was there once as a child, and remember feeling incredibly unloved and second best. I don't want this for DSS but feel totally powerless sad his behaviour is deteriorating and he has violent outburst mixed with being very clingy. I really feel for him.

ThingsThatGoBumpInTheNight Thu 11-Oct-12 01:52:46

Could he move in with you and DH x

Gingersnap88 Thu 11-Oct-12 21:25:55

We would be more than happy to but his mum would not be okay with this at all. Hes gone from saying he hates him etc to being alright about it after a chat with his mum, that worries me too sad

ThingsThatGoBumpInTheNight Fri 12-Oct-12 13:32:52

I'd say the next time he is upset about it, make moves towards going for residence. He doesn't need to be in that situation. He deserves a safe and happy childhood, and if you're willing to take him in as well, then it would be the best move for him.

If she withholds contact you could say she is alienating DH which is emotionally abusive for DSS .. its grounds to go to court as well, and i'm positive you would win if you went for full custody.

Agree with the poster who said provide a safe and supportive place for him.

Poor little mite sad

ThingsThatGoBumpInTheNight Fri 12-Oct-12 13:42:12

She may have told him that her partner won't be violent again.
If he does this will let the little lad down, not to mention be very frightened for his mum, if she chooses this man over him, ...... eugh ...... you know what that will do, don't have to spell it out, she needs to know that DH is serious about protecting his DS from witnessing abuse, and growing up thinking that hitting a woman is ok.
And hurting him when they playfight? What a bully sad i playfight with DS1 and DS2, none of us get hurt.. out of puff yes, and with me and DS1 (he's 15) its rougher and more 'holds' and stuff (he's stronger than me blush
But it would never go too far apart from the tea towel flicking competitions and we have a codeword that stops all rough and tumble.

An adult hurting a child no matter if its in play or for real is disgusting, ok accidents happen but this sounds like he is trying to prove to DS that he 'can' hurt him and make him feel powerless.

Vile man.

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