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Very very concerned

(112 Posts)
catandthebear Tue 25-Sep-12 16:49:45

Hello everyone
I am really concerned about my partners youngest son (aged 7) and the level of hate he is expressing about me.
We have been together for a year, having both left our marriages to be together. I have had very little to do with his children due to his (soon to be) ex wife. his children were obviously upset about the seperation and are angry about my role in this. His son in particular has expressed extreme anger at this and has been very open about wanting me to die and wanting to kill me. I accept that this is probably a natural reaction in the early stages, but last night on the phone he told DP that he wanted him to kill me by hanging me very slowly until I died.
This in its self is upsetting, but I find the fact that his mother considers this acceptable and encourages it as a form of expressing his upset. When DP raised his concerns she just blmaes him and reassures the son that he is right to say these things.
Because i don't really have a relationship with the children, it isn't a direct issue for me, but I can't help being concerned and incredibly upset for the child.
Has anyone else had any experience with this.
I have a child myself and would be mortified if he expressed any desire to harm or kill someone. I am obviously concerned about how this will effect our future relationship, because I do feel that there is very little opportunity for me to play any role in their life int he future.
I had a break down over a year ago which resulted in an attemped suicide and self harm. DP's (soon to be ex) wife as tole the children all about this and painted a terrifying picture of me to them. I would love to have a child with DP, but this is looking very unlikely due to how badly his children have taken the seperation and his guilt (another concern and another Thread all together)
Please help if you can.
Would be grateful for any advice.

Northernlurkerisbackatwork Tue 25-Sep-12 17:02:41

I think this young child is expressing his own natural sadness and anger together with a fair dose of his mother's rage. I don't think there is anything you can do about it all tbh. I doubt DP can manage much either. Fact is your relationship broke up his marriage. Now judging by the ex wife's behaviour after the split I'm guessing that things weren't perfect before you came on the picture but you were still the catalyst. You have to take responsibility for that - as I'm sure you do. However nobody should be threatened with violence and the images he is realting are very graphic. If it continues you might want to think about speaking to Social Services because I'm wondering exactly what his mum is exposing him to.
It may just blow over though in which case I think you have to take it as a temporary side effect of the marriage breakdown.

purpleroses Tue 25-Sep-12 17:17:13

I had a bit of this from DP's eldest DS - he was 11 then but he told everyone I was an evil witch, and drew picutres of my house burning down...

I was in an easier situation than you in that his parents were split well before I came along, and as far as I know his mum wasn't stirring things. DP's attitude was that he would get over it, and his DS was forced at times to sit in the same room as me, eat at the table with me, etc until his sulky protest got a bit tiresome for him I think.

I get on fine with him now, and the main thing that has changed it I think is that he actually knows me and realises that I'm OK. DP also reassured him that he wasn't going to have to move house or anything though I think that his anger was probably in part because me being on the scene rubbed it in that his mum was never going to move back in with DP. A realisation that he had to deal with at some point.

The other thing we did, alongside DP reassuring him, was to make light of his protest - just to brush it aside as if it were a bit of a joke. Not easy when they're saying awful things, but it did seem to work. His siblings gave him a bit of a hard time over it too.

Do you think maybe you need to actually get to know your DP's DS? It's easier for him to have you as an imaginary boogie man when he doesn't really know you. I'd be sceptical of the suggestion above that his mum must have exposed him to bad stuff for him to be coming up with this kind of thing - kids can feel a great deal of anger, and are not always good at expressing it appropriately. Obviously not good if she's feeding his fantasies, but not sure what you can really do about that. Not sure you should be thinking about having a child with your DP until you've got to know his existing children really.

NotaDisneyMum Tue 25-Sep-12 17:36:33

What kind of day to day involvement does your DP have in his DC's lives? Is he in contact with school? What about the GP? If not, perhaps this is a good first step.

Your DP can act independently of his ex to seek support for his DS, who is obviously a very unhappy little boy who is struggling to understand and express his emotions. He may well be acting out at school, or suffering minor medical problems as a result of the anxiety and stress - and often in cases where parents have split, those trying to support the DC's only have a partial picture of what is going on in the DC's lives as they are only dealing with one parent.

If your DP's ex is being negative about you or your DP to her DC's, then they may well be experiencing a degree of alienation - there is a book called "Divorce Poison", and a video called "Welcome Back Pluto" which both deal with this issue, and more recently, Karen Woodall has written in her blog about her work in this area:

Revelsarethebest Tue 25-Sep-12 18:27:45

Oh my word!!

Northern and Purple what awful situations!

I ve no advice except sympathy :-(

Northernlurkerisbackatwork Tue 25-Sep-12 18:35:39

Revels - I think you've misread my post. I havent been in that situation. Was commenting only on my reading of it.

akaemmafrost Tue 25-Sep-12 20:28:37

Well what did you expect?!

I am always astounded at what arseholes the birth mother is made out to be in every single thread I read on here from a step mum. This is the fourth today and not just on the step parents board just read one in AIBU. Always incompetent, toxic, terrible mothers. And never an opportunity missed to get a dig in about her on even the most innocuous threads.

YOU and your DP broke up his parents marriage. I have zero surprise at his response to you. Butt out and let your DP and the child's mother sort it out.

NotaDisneyMum Tue 25-Sep-12 20:39:24

Ladies - its open season on SM's again!

akaemmafrost Tue 25-Sep-12 20:48:23

Same as it is on birth mothers.

olibeansmummy Tue 25-Sep-12 20:55:41

I'm sorry but I have to agree I'm not surprised your Dss is so upset. You make it sound like its all fine that you and your dp both left your marriages for each other, when really you have shattered a lot of people's worlds. It's people like you that give step mums a bad name. So often oeople accuse the step mum of being the evil OW when they're not, and jump to conclusions. The child doesn't know you so has nothing else to base their feelings on and children can be melodramatic. I'm sorry but I don't think you can expect happy families.

NotaDisneyMum Tue 25-Sep-12 21:00:51

How does a 7 year old come to know the details of his parents separation, though?
If the OP has no relationship with the DC, then the parents are the ones who have given him that information. A 7 year old can only say that he hates daddy's girlfriend if he knows such a person exists.

Judging the OP for her relationship decisions is one thing, but this DCs distress is the result of both his parents behaviour, not hers sad

akaemmafrost Tue 25-Sep-12 21:13:37

Which is why I said butt out and let his parents deal with it. Everything is obviously very raw. It's the child I feel sorry for, all that pain and anger sad. OP needs to stop feeling sorry for herself and accept that actions of that magnitude have repercussions and she may not get her happy ever after. Sure she will though, her DP sounds pretty selfish as does she I can't imagine his child's pain will stand in the way of his Deserving To Be Happy for too long.

Mydogsleepsonthebed Tue 25-Sep-12 21:18:19

So you were the OW? And the 7 year old hates you for it?

lottiegarbanzo Tue 25-Sep-12 21:24:30

Well, it's much easier for the mother and child to blame the OW for the breakup of their family, rather than blaming the husband / father that they love. Of course it was actually his choice to end his marriage but that can take a long, long time to reconcile themselves to. It's easier to see him as weak, indecisive and dragged away by you.

It will take time to accept their father isn't coming back before the children can start to accept you. It's up to him to prime them to view you as a reasonable, pleasant person.

NotaDisneyMum Tue 25-Sep-12 21:26:59

Why the hell is a 7 year old angry at his Dads OW?

What kind of parent does that to a child?

clam Tue 25-Sep-12 21:35:17

Well, like it or not, you were jointly responsible for breaking up this little boy's world. Did you really imagine he'd welcome you with open arms?

purpleroses Tue 25-Sep-12 21:35:52

I don't think the OP is feeling sorry for herself. I think she wants to help this child to accept the situation.

It's been a year, she says. That's a long time in the life of a 7 year old. And should be time enough too for his mum to have come to terms with what has happened. Whether or not they were right to start a relationship is all in the past now - it's happened, and everyone needs to move on.

The 7 year old is angry that his dad is not with his mum. He's using the OP as the target for this anger. Possibly fueled by his mum - she shouldn't have done this, but it takes an enourmous amount of self-restraint not to tell your child what you feel to be the truth about why you have split up with their other parent. I personally wouldn't judge her for having told the 7 year old of the OP's existance. It may have been unavoidable to tell him.

But now it's a year on, so time to move on. The OP's DP needs to ensure a solid relationship with his son, and then tell him that it's time to meet the new woman in his life, and reassure him that she is really a nice person, and that whether she exists or not, he and his ex are not going to get back together again.

theredhen Tue 25-Sep-12 21:40:03

It's one that still has feelings for the father and doesn't want the child to hate him, so the other woman is the easy target.

akaemmafrost Tue 25-Sep-12 21:40:18

I don't agree she wants to help the child at all. She's worried about herself. SHE wants a child in the future with her DP but can't see this happening and worries about the future of the relationship between her and her DP. So now everyone needs to STFU and get on with things.

And seriously it's classic to vilify the ex in order to justify leaving them for someone else. I take the representation of the ex W behaviour with a very heavy pinch of salt.

clam Tue 25-Sep-12 21:41:16

Who says it's time to move on? Those who would prefer to sweep all the aggro under the carpet. You can't dictate when someone else should have finished with their feelings about something. Not your call.

The child's very upset still. You can't change that by saying "stop being upset now."

NotaDisneyMum Tue 25-Sep-12 21:41:36

purple I think you're right - it does take a great deal of self restraint not to badmouth the OW to young children - but it is no less morally reprehensible than what the OP did.

The OP is being flamed for breaking up a marriage - but (I am presuming) it was the DCs parents who explained to the DC the role of the OP in the breakup of the marriage angry

A 7 year old boy is angry not because of what the OP did - but because he has been told about it, and considers it a negative thing sad

MirandaWest Tue 25-Sep-12 21:47:03

As someone with a 7 year old whose XH had an affair with someone and is now with them, I have never said anything to my DC about how she in part broke up my marriage. She will hopefully be a part of my DCs life for a while - why on earth would I bad mouth her to them? What good would it do? Yes I have to bite my lip occasionally but I am a grown up and my DCs happiness is more important than me letting them know why Daddy moved out tbh. They have what seems to be a good relationship with her and I don't want to rock the boat there.

Beamur Tue 25-Sep-12 21:47:27

What a horrible situation all round.
You're a year into this relationship, have had a breakdown and still no signs of an amicable relationship with your DP's children and are even questioning whether or not you'll be able to have more kids due to the baggage that your relationship has created...are you sure you want your life to be like this?
Being a SM in a situation where everyone is being mature and kind can be challenging, let alone where there is so much bitterness. Because, no matter how much you love your DP and vice versa, your relationship will be affected by these issues.

Inertia Tue 25-Sep-12 21:48:28

This child is clearly devastated, and feeling incredible anger that he doesn't know how to deal with. The things that he is saying are obviously inappropriate, and what his parents need to do is work together to access the most suitable professional help for their child to deal with this. What you need to do is step back and let his parents deal with it.

I don't think you can't be surprised that the children have taken this badly. You and their father have destroyed the family life they had, and it's utterly unrealistic to expect that the children will be happy to build a relationship with you. If you break up a family, the pieces don't fit together in your nice life plan jigsaw- you have to deal with the effects of what you and your partner did. And I really don't think you're in any position to start stamping your feet about wanting a baby- if you want a new family of your own without having to consider other people, then you shouldn't have taken up with a man who already has a family.

I'm sorry about your health issues, and I hope you are getting the help you need to deal with them.

clam Tue 25-Sep-12 21:50:11

OK, so presumably the child has been told about the OW. Who knows what she actually said.
But it's not beyond the realms of possibility that his feelings on the subject are entirely his own. I know that, had this happened to me as a child, I would have been impossible to placate on the subject. Call it a failing in my personality if you like, but would still have a major problem even now, as an adult.

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