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Step daughter wont listen to me

(13 Posts)
Revelsarethebest Sun 23-Sep-12 16:28:41

My step daughter whos 8 doesnt do as she is told for me.

If she is messing about with something that she knows shes not allowed to touch (like DH gym equipment) when i remind her that she isnt allowed to play on that, and she knows this and will she please get off it.

She then continues messing with it, and smirks at me at the same time.

I then tell her to go to the naughty step (DH is a big fan of this) and she still smirks at me and doesnt go.

I then have to go over to her and lead her by her arm to the naughty step. She does then stay there.

DH does bollock her when she doesnt listen to me as she does as shes told first time for him.

This really annoys me, and i find it very hard to control myself when she sits there smirking at me.

Her brother whos a few years older does as he is told for me no problems.

How do i deal with this?

LaurieFairyCake Sun 23-Sep-12 16:34:31

You deal with it exactly as you're doing - give her a warning before the naughty step then put her on it.

Do it calmly and don't 'notice' or look at the smirk, it's secondary behaviour.

Totally agree it's infuriating but not 'noticing' makes it stop quicker.

UC Mon 24-Sep-12 09:35:35

Agree with LFC. Keep dealing with it exactly the same. She's pushing to see where the boundaries are, and to see whether your DH will back you or her. He is also doing the right thing, and backing you up (thank goodness!).

Don't give up, keep on going and she will realise eventually that it just isn't worth it.

purpleroses Mon 24-Sep-12 11:13:12

She sounds just like my DD - always pushing boundaries. I have an older DS too and he is just so easy - I've never put him on the naughty step in his life.

I think you're doing fine, and wouldn't blame yourself for the way she is. At 8 you might want to think about alternative punishments though - she may soon be getting a bit old for the naughty step. I moved a few years back to giving my DD fines for bad behaviour - really small fines (1p at first, and now 10p) so that I wouldn't hesitate to implement them. They work brilliantly and the threat is usually sufficient to get her to behave. She's 9 now.

Revelsarethebest Mon 24-Sep-12 13:06:26

Thanks for the advice. I ve spoken to DH that maybe she is getting alittle too old for the naughty step. But he says as shes bothered about going to it, starts crying sometimes etc then he feels it works if they are bothered about going there. Its when shes not bothered about going that we ll try something else.

littlebluechair Mon 24-Sep-12 13:22:36

Hi, I think the naughty step is too small a punishment for doing something she knows she is not to do and is probably doing simply to get a reaction. Persistently breaking a house rule e.g. not touching gym equipment needs something bigger as IMO a child should be capable of following that rule unless they have some behavioural issue which prevents following any rule IYSWIM.

I would bet my bottom dollar she is crying for attention rather than genuine upset at spending a brief spell on the naughty step.

I have two questions which I think are important - how often does she 'play with' the equipment in an average day and is she actually climbing onto it or just touching it as she goes past or whatever?

littlebluechair Mon 24-Sep-12 13:24:07

I used 'punishment' when I actually mean 'consequence' - I am not a massive fan of random punishments but there are natural consequences to not being trustworthy enough to stick to rules/instructions.

hattifattner Mon 24-Sep-12 13:27:51

try giving an alternative...

EIther you go to the naughty step (Id actually make this go to your room) or you will have no TV for the rest of the day - which do you choose?

Then hold fast to the no TV rule.

We actually make this a no screen time rule, so no computer, TV, phone, DS etc.

You should only have to do it once, she will get the message.

It also will help you stay very calm.

Revelsarethebest Mon 24-Sep-12 14:12:25

She has to be told about 3 times a day when shes here, shes actually climbing on it.

I explain to her that its not a toy, you know your not allowed on it, i tell you everything you are here (DH has to tell her aswell), so please get off it.

I have visions of her doing herself an injury, as when i was about a year younger than her i was messing with my dads gym equipment and fell off it and had stiches in my forehead. (still have a slight scar now).

We do take some pocket money off aswell.

littlebluechair Mon 24-Sep-12 14:28:30

I would give her a sticker chart, two strikes and you're out.

Do not mention the gym equipment except to explain the chart. Every time you go on/touch the gym equipment you get a sticker. If you get two stickers in a day you have to go to bed at 6:30, lights out. If you are too babyish to follow rules you are too babyish to stay up til an 8yo bedtime.

She is winding you up IMO. You are giving loads of attention by talking so much with all the explaining. This way you never have to mention it again.

But I am mean!

hattifattner Mon 24-Sep-12 14:33:24

ah yes, early bedtimes are good because they take away the audience. :D

also good to say "Oh you must be VERY tired if you cannot remember a simple instruction like stay off the equipment. You'll have to go to bed early tonight."

Do it every time, she will soon find another way to torment you. The gym equipment is just the power struggle du jour. Tomorrow it will be over food or clothes on the floor or something else.

Develop a strategy that doesnt give her a lot of attention, and stick to it.

littlebluechair Mon 24-Sep-12 14:40:38

The gym equipment is just the power struggle du jour This is depressingly true grin

biddyofsuburbia Mon 24-Sep-12 14:43:58

Stick to your guns as above re; consequences of not doing as she is told.

On the flip side you could always try and up the positive rewards of doing as she is asked as well, i.e praise her when she behaves properly. Or get her a little treat now and again when she has been behaving well for you, or even tell her you have enjoyed having her around, (I am making the assumption she's not with you all the time). Even if she is annoying and even if she puts up a lot of resistance. Make sure you also do the same for DSS as well! Just thinking that whilst you will never be able to 'buy' her love or respect sometimes a little bit of praise goes a long way.

The smirking and defiance may just be a front?

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